We talked about midlife last week. Today, I want to present the gifts of midlife. It lives in the change from let me over explain myself to, I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. How liberating. I don’t want to stay up late and if you want to see me our plans will have to be earlier. Period, end of statement. No explanations needed. If you have friends who are in midlife or beyond- they give you the knowing nod of mutual understanding. The camaraderie of we have gotten through the people pleasing phase (or are working on it) of our lives, pushing harder to prove ourselves phase and into an acceptance of and understanding of ourselves and what we need. We just say no, finally, like our DARE officers encouraged.

Midlife is a gift. It makes us take stock of what we were doing, what wasn’t working, what serves us now. We are working to differentiate- In mental health, differentiation (or differentiation of self) is the ability to keep your own identity, thoughts, and feelings while staying emotionally close to other people. (This is work you can do outside of midlife, but if you haven’t been working on identity and emotional regulation that is internal and not reliant on others, tolerating discomfort, and managing your own reactivity to distress, there is no better time than the present), Isn’t that a gift? We can tolerate differences without thinking we have to change it, or losing our identity in the relationship. We can judge ourselves and others harshly or we can use self compassion and self compassion will always be a winner.

You can’t beat midlife changes and the transition and transformation it offers. We can only join it. Today we talk about the journey to exploring new ways of connecting to ourselves and others as we move through this transformation. And if you aren’t in midlife, but just want some new ways to take care of yourself, boost your mood and improve your community connections, then this can help you too.

Chin plucking, seeing a toilet and starting to pee before you pull your pants down, knees cracking, colonoscopies, you enjoy moomoos, wearing the widest brim sunhat, pickleball leagues, you like to go to dinner at 5 and be home by 8 to get to bed by 9, elastic waist anything, excited to get the AARP free cooler to join, readers all over the house, flat stomach only with SPANX, oversharing medical issues, drawing on your eyebrows, wedge shoes or ballet flats, texting your friends as a reminder to talk about something, hating autocorrect, wear a skirt bathing suit, mood swings

And for our guy listeners does this sound familiar

Mysterious nose and ear hair growth, waking up with an injury no idea how you did it, pulling a muscle opening a jar, grunting when you sit down or get up, thinking about dying your beard or facial hair, Dad music its not cool, your kids are horrified by your texting, guys text thread and you are talking gut health, readers hanging off your shirt or you are searching they are on top of your head, snoring, prostrate is your small talk, googling symptoms and assuming it’s the end, buying a boat, sports car, motorcycle, an Ebike so you do not have to peddle, guys trip who has the most medication

If any of this sounds familiar today we are tackling midlife and all it’s glory. Be loud and proud we have worked hard and worn uncomfortable clothes for years and have earned the right to wear elastic pants, sensible shoes, draw in our eyebrows, get Botox and not give a crap on what others think.

By now, many of you have dropped your child off at college. Maybe some are dreading it because it’s just around the corner. Today we ask, did you ever think you would miss socks on the ground? Or stare longingly at the open room door? Would you miss the stomping of feet or a slam of a door? My guess is that this day always seemed so far away. In some distant future that you could put off thinking about until it got closer. But then everything that other parents including your own told you when your child was just newborn, that the days are long but the years are so short, rings so loudly in your ears.

And today we talk about grief. We acknowledge that grief comes in many forms, divorce, child moving to college, loss of a job, retirement, estrangement, loss of a pet…..loss of a stage of your life. There is no way around grief, no set pathway that will direct you quickly to acceptance and feeling better. You got to go through it and you cannot avoid it. Because it lives in the little things like socks on the floor and can hit you when you least expect it to. And maybe this is all something we can learn from. Maybe it tells us to celebrate the things we are most irritated with because oddly those are the things you may miss the most. Join our chat today as we talk about stages of grief.

This may be the least romantic break up in history. When your child trades you in for a dorm room. There will never be a break up quite like this with hurtful statements and grieving the little cherubs they use to be. For example some of the comments you may hear or if you have some good ones please share.

I am never coming back ( Really does the dorm food and house you over the holidays? Will your meal plan ( we are paying for) cover 365 days a year.

I do not say this statement due to it may be perceived as me poking the bear.

That is amazing that you can live 365 days a year in a closet with communal showers and sharing space with another person when you have never shared a room or eaten anything but name brand organic food.

I hold back this snark.

No one wants to live here, it’s terrible.

What? The air condition, heat, refrigerator filled with your favorites, your favorite meals being prepared, sharing a washer and dryer with only 3 other people you know, large living spaces you do not share, your own bathroom or bathroom you share with one of other person, a kitchen with a dishwasher, stove, fridge you filled with ingredients.

Correct these living conditions are deplorable how have you survived the last 18 years.

I hold back this feedback.

You are so annoying and then the body language eye rolls, grunts, one word answers constantly feeling as the parent you are the most annoying human in the world. Plus we are constantly asking questions bc they are not talking to us. This creates a pattern of them constantly being annoyed and getting the side eye.

If this sounds familiar they are not becoming monsters they are fledgling. Badly, loudly, at full volume. This is the podcast where we take your teenager’s worst behavior and turn it into a TED Talk about evolutionary biology. They are right on developmental targets and doing what they need to do to minimize the grief of transitioning out of childhood into quasi adulthood, cutting the apron strings and leaving their safety zone. Most won’t admit but they are grieving and scared.

Today we are talking about one of the biggest parenting milestones. Dropping your kid off at college. It was yesterday you were doing a U turn going 60 in a 35 to get a forgotten sports bag and get your child to practice on time, sitting in the never ending carpool line where there is always the one parent not moving up and causing a complete jam, running up a forgotten water bottle, loading up 10 kids in a 8 seat car to go to a game, laughing at the conversations, then they start driving and these conversations are missed but they still walk in the house every night knowing they are in the basement or creeping around the house after midnight hearing popcorn pop and the fridge raided.

Now we are packing giant blue bags with the XL sheets, comforters, desk lamp, fan, shower caddy, hygiene products, snacks, mini fridges, microwaves, hoodies, clothes for all types of weather, plastic bins, etc.

All for the preparation of dropping your child off to a foreign land where they will need to figure out how to live in a very small space with another person, eat food made in mass quantities, have free will and decide go to class not go to class, wake up not wake up, drink not drink have the time of their life while you adjust to the silence and not knowing what they are doing. They have walked out of your house for the last time with this being their only home. A lot of my college kids like to come home but struggle with transitioning back to home and want to return to their independent college lifestyle. This is exactly what should be happening but can be tough on a parent. You have done your job and they will soar or sink. No matter what happens it will all work out.

In the next couple of weeks we will be dropping off our kids at college feeling proud, sad, worried, excited. Some may feel happy due to their kid soiling the nest prior to drop off and whatever you are feeling is okay. I thought I would be a sobbing mess and I feel ready to drop off and let him soar. TBD if I fall apart at drop off.

Do you have shame about how you may feel about things, how you respond to your environment, and how you respond that is not congruent with your values?

This is the client that comes in and usually has extreme guilt about how they are feeling about their reactions that they feel are not congruent with their identity. This could be a person that fantasizes about running away and disconnecting from their children or spouse even though things are going well. Exploring the feeling they are experiencing when they want to go into flight can be helpful then exploring when they have felt that way in the past. Many times this is due to trauma they have experienced. Everyone experiences life differently and what one person may find traumatic another person does not. It is important to not minimize an experience that causes someone trauma. This can range from a peer experience on the playground that some kids shook off and another where the child hung onto it and panics in social situations. This can also apply to phyical/sexual abuse and how a person perceives or reacts to it. It is important to not assume there was trauma if the person is not viewing it as trauma. We look at past situations and see if there is a connection to how they are responding now. It is very effective for clients when they make this connection. It can help them not feel guilt and shame for the way they feel or think and work can begin to change the reactions.

Ester Perrel says that if you are lucky you can experience many different marriages to the same person. I like to think the same goes for friendships. This is a perfectly timed chat on friendship because I just spent the weekend with two of my oldest friends and then some of our friends from our 20s, shout out to the dirty oars my old rowing team. The rhythm of our conversations, the inside jokes and laughing about how we used to be, the friendship dynamics of the group just feels like a comfy old shoe. Friendships are a source of connection, meaning, and a source of well being and longevity (remember how social relationships help us live longer?) if you can weather the ups and downs of life together.

Friendship is not easy to navigate as each of us go through difficult times, struggles with mental health, deaths, marriages, divorces, and parenting. There can be natural changes in our social circles, conflicts over boundaries and expectations, even how you define what it means to be a good friend. Today we explore friendships and how to identify a healthy one versus an unhealthy one.

Anxiety has become one of the number one things that bring people into therapy. Most come in when it has become unbearable and it is negatively impacting their daily living to where they struggle in relationships, work and overall functioning. Many have been experiencing anxiety since they were kids and did not recognize and assumed this was normal. The constant worry thoughts, assuming the worse, shaking, difficulty sleeping, compulsive behaviors, avoiding things, fear manifesting to somatic sx. GI issues that can not be explained by medical definitions, dizzy, fainting spells, heart palpitations. None explained by a medical issue. After a medical condition has been ruled out they come in our doors.

A barrier in treatment is once they learn ways to manage they get anxious about not being anxious. It can be uncomfortable to not have anxiety if you have always had anxiety. Hence the resistance starts and the negative self talk about creating a calm space and having stillness in life. This is where we hear I cannot meditate, I have to keep moving, I hate yoga, walking maybe.. These are learned behaiviors that you have to be busy, productive, moving and it is shameful to take time to ground in nature, sit in stillness, do a workout that does not burn a 500 calories,etc. I know this well I was one of these people and had to unlearn these thoughts. They are thoughts not facts. Sitting in stillness, meditating, yoga being still can be scary bc you are no longer avoiding.

Life can really beat you down. You have a hard day, week, month, maybe year or several years. We go through so many seasons in our lives. You can’t be alive and not face challenges along the way. We watched fairytales when we were kids and oddly all of those fairy tales involved tales of death (usually the mother) evil antagonists (often the stepmother) and some epic battle against the evil in their lives before they overcome usually with some helpers along the way until they persevere and live happily ever after.

According to World Health Organization estimates, the average person goes through 1 to 3 major traumatic events in their lifetime, with an international study pointing to an average of 3.2 traumatic experiences per capita. [1, 2, 3] Yup, that sounds like a lot.

So, we all need to build resilience within ourselves. While none of us welcome adversity or trauma into our lives, we can come out the other end with a profound personal transformation and growth. You’ve heard us say this before, but we grow through pain. It is inevitable according to the WHO and that pain has the power to transform. Even if you fantasized about running away from life while it was happening. Today, we explore what resiliency means and what you can do to build it within yourself.

Last week we polled men on what they wish women knew. This week we polled women on what they wished their partners knew.

If you could sit down with hundreds of women and ask them one question—’What’s one thing you wish your partner understood?’—what do you think they’d say? Today, we’re answering that question.

Here are some comments we heard

I wish they knew:

I’m not mad about the dishes; I’m tired of being the manager

I do not need this problem fixed I need an ear to listen

Foreplay starts at 9am not 9pm

The little things matter more than the big things

I want to go on dates

We have some ideas on ways to strengthen your relationship and have some fun in the process.