Far more effective than shaming and blaming, a willingness to remain open and supportive has the power to strengthen relationships with loved ones who are on the road to recovery from substances.  But that is only possible when you are willing to create a space for your own transformation as you support others. On this episode of “Rethinking Rock Bottom”, hosts psychologist Carrie Wilkens and Reverend Jan M. Brown learn from Julie, a mother who learned that her son’s anxiety, shame, and pain were hidden motivators that she was unknowingly contributing to.  After discovering the Invitation To Change, Julie learned how to create a space for her own increased self-awareness. She was then able to improve communication by asking open-ended questions that encouraged connection instead of conflict. In turn, he was able to be more open about his struggles which allowed her to help him while experiencing her own transformation on their journey to positive change.

“Make friends with all of the feelings of this long journey.” 

 

• [:30] Mother Julie reflects on her ‘easy kid’ and the early days of Jake’s recovery journey.
• [5:07] The turning point at which Julie knew that Jake needed professional help, and what she discovered as a result.
• [7:00] As a couple, Julie and her husband were united in dealing with their son’s frightening behavior.
• [9:21] In residential treatment, Jake opened up about the root of his issues and the extent of his drug use.
• [10:50] The lack of an aftercare plan set Jake and his parents up for additional struggles once in-patient treatment ended.
• [13:58] Shaming did nothing to help with Jake’s healing and recovery.
• [15:00] “I started educating myself because I knew what we had done wasn’t working.”
• [17:33] In Jake’s mind, his anxiety struggle, drug usage, and defiance all made sense.
• [20:00] As Julie offered Jake increased support, they both reached a breakthrough.
• [22:13] Despite relapsing, Jake responded positively to his mother’s increased compassion.
• [26:35] Keeping an open mind and reframing concerns is key to strengthening relationships.
• [30:00] Self-awareness and self-kindness are essential in supporting your own growth.
• [31:45] The value of sitting with discomfort and encouraging openness from your loved one.
• [34:05] Julie shares her ideas for encouraging alternatives and finding ways for Jake to cope.
• [38:00] Making friends with her feelings gave Julie the space to transform alongside her son.
• [39:00] The practices that allow Julie to find meaning in what matters most.
• [39:40] Julie offers hope for listeners as they face the long journey of recovery.
• [41:45] The ITC program offers skills and support that can effectively and lovingly reach a loved one through increased learning and openness.

 

Additional Resources:

• The Opposite of Addiction by Julie Merberg (Learn more about Julie through her substack!)
• CMC: Foundation For Change
• SpiritWorks Foundation
• The Beyond Addition Workbook for Family and Friends
• Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change

 

Tweetables:

• “Looking back on it, I wish someone had said to me, you are at the beginning of a really long journey. Do not expect to get your kid out of six weeks of rehab and have everything tied up with a ribbon.” — Julie
• “At that point, he started transforming into this person that I didn’t recognize… I felt like I had no idea who he really was anymore.” — Julie
• “The stricter we became with rules and the more judgmental and critical, and the more we tried to rein him in, the more he rebelled and really the angrier he became.” — Julie
• “Change takes time and setbacks are bound to happen, even while progress is being made.” — Jan
• “In my own mind, I’ve shifted and I understand that discomfort is growth.” — Julie
• “If I know what’s going on, there’s a shot at making things better.  If he’s hiding somewhere, something, there’s nothing I can do.” — Julie