Footy On The Med

Footy on the Med goes (slightly) inland: John and Alex find themselves 35 miles from the Mediterranean Sea to watch a Ligue 2 clash between Nimes and Quevilly-Rouen. The seeds for their geographical misfire were sown in the Nice v Montpellier game of one half, when Alex, put on the spot by John, declared: "Yes, Nimes is on the Med." Alas, despite their scaling the immaculate Roman amphitheatre in the centre of Nimes, armed with a discreet but fully operational telescope, the Med could not be seen. Water, water, not everywhere, But the wine is nice to drink, said Alex. Well, now we're in Nimes-not-on-the-Med we may as well go to the game, said John. At a largely empty Stade des Costieres, the pair find there's a boycott by the home fans but some decent football in a Nimes 2-1 win. They realise that Eric Cantona is ubiquitous, discuss Flaubert's contention that there is no truth, only perception, and resolve to check with The Navigator before they go anywhere again. If they can find him. Recorded at the Stade des Costieres on Saturday, 21 November 2021.

Selfishly, John continues his family holiday and can't make it to the small matter of El Clasico. Fearlessly, Alex takes the plunge and forces himself to venture alone to Camp Nou. Selflessly, Producer Fred, Alex's mate from Saturday footy back in London - now living in Barcelona - provides enlightenment: "It's pronounced the 'now' camp, not the 'nu' camp," he declares. "Well, come along then!" says Alex. And lo, Alex and Fred provide a discursive take on one of the biggest games of all, Barcelona v Real Madrid. The home side are missing Messi and lose 1-2, but before the game is over there's a silver lining for all things Barca: a film called Doctor Nou. Recorded at Camp Nou - that's Now - on Sunday 24 October 2021.

It's Nice v Montpellier, 5pm on a Sunday afternoon. A game just down the road from Menton. "Not too far to travel," says Alex. "Speak for yourself," says John, "I'll have just taken my folks back home. I land at Nice airport at 4.10pm." Ever the optimist, Alex drives to Nice airport to pick up John. He waits. And he waits. John's plane is late, and then suffers from a lack of stairs. There's nothing for it: once again, Alex must push on without his pod partner. He sets forth, but an excursion leaves his voice hoarse, his equilibrium less than equal and France's peages overflowing with donations. John, meanwhile, has a snooze, meditates, learns a new language, makes lifelong friends and says 'Allez!' to a taxi driver. The pair are reunited at half-time at the Allianz Riviera stadium, home of Mefi the eagle, scene of volcanic English destruction in Euro 2016. John and Alex realise that football is a game of one half, admire Nice's MC and witness the away side nick a 1-0 win without the talismanic Teji Savannier, thanks to a nicely taken strike in the 80th minute by Florent Mollet. Recorded at the Allianz Riviera stadium on Sunday, 7 November 2021.

Is the word 'ciao' emblematic of an inherent ambiguity in Italian culture? Is Genoa really the city of 'beautiful confusion'? Is 'que sera' the only viable answer to what the song Que Sera means? And if Monaco lose at home to Marseille, and yet the away fans outnumber those at home by 500-1, is it actually a home fixture? Who's at home, and who's away, and what is home, if it's away? In this mash-up of three games*, John and Alex confront searing questions of human existence and come up with no answers at all. They do, though, find a lot of fun and some fine football at Monaco v Marseille, Genoa v Fiorentina and Sanremo v Imperia. Or was it Imperia v Sanremo?

* when they were learning how to use the gear.

It's a trip to the far south of France for Alex, but sans John, whose family are in town. How will Alex fare without his pod partner at the Stade de la Mosson, the home of Montpellier HSC, as La Paillade take on high-flying Lens? Very well, it turns out, thanks to a superb game of football featuring a titanic battle between to two players, Téji Savanier for the home side and Seko Fofana for the visitors, not to mention the hospitality of "charming, handsome" Frenchman Eric. To the delight of both Alex and Eric, they witness an innovation in the form of pitchside sofas, and thanks to Eric, Alex gets his hands on that rare thing in the Med - a matchday programme. It ends Montpellier 1, Lens 0 and features a Bon Motson spoken in actual French. Recorded at the Stade de la Mosson on Sunday, 17 October 2021.

Two expats abroad, nipping along the Italian Riviera from Menton to the pretty town of Sanremo on a baking hot Wednesday afternoon - what could go wrong? Nothing, really, except for the fearsome feelings of some of the Sanremo faithful at the end of a Serie D clash at home to Casale. The home side had hung on tenaciously for most of the second half despite being down to ten men, with their absurdly youthful goalkeeper playing a blinder. They even contrived to go a goal up courtesy of their enigmatic No. 11, who got a yellow card for his shirt-removing exploits. But then Casale rallied thanks to their No. 8, former Blackpool and Middlesbrough man Malaury Martin. The Frenchman's two goals made it 2-1 to Casale - and prompted some serious Sanremo anger ("let's get out of here", said John). Recorded at the Stadio Comunale on Wednesday, 6 October 2021.

John and Alex leave their base - the French town of Menton - and hop on a train to Genoa, Italy. There they meet Alex the Navigator and, with him and a couple of his mates, enjoy a beer or two before a wonderful game of Serie A football - Sampdoria 3, Udinese 3. Fast, open and skilful, the game produces an early contender for Goal of the Season (anywhere) by veteran Samp player Antonio Candreva. "Absolutely incredible!" screams Alex. Meanwhile, John muses on the miracles (and imponderables) of digital signage and legends such as Zico, Roy Hodgson, Graeme Souness and Danny Dichio make an appearance. Recorded at the Stadio Luigi Ferraris on Sunday, 3 October 2021.