We often talk about the broken hearts of those who have not been forgiven (the poor hiring managers, the poor billionaires, the poor CEOs, the poor career politicians, the poor arrogant wealth mongers, boo-hoo for them), but we rarely discuss the physical agony of having to forgive. It is a truly humiliating experience. Being forced to swallow your pride when you know damn well that you have done nothing wrong is humbling in all the wrong ways. It teaches us that docility and humility are one and the same, that it is somehow okay to be beaten down over and over again. It is asking too much of a person to always be instructing them to move on from the past, to live in the moment, to forget all of the awful things that people have done, that they still continue to do. This is the mentality that keeps people in abusive relationships, that it is somehow the eternal task of the oppressed to take it in stride. Some days, I just do not have it in me to forgive anymore. I can no longer pretend as if I am a doormat for the world's inhabitants to wipe its filthy shoes on. I cannot live the life of a savior without any of the rewards a savior gets. Saviors have books written about them. They have grand funerals; they are never forgotten. But I will receive no such thing for my forgiveness. I can no longer be punished for being punished. I refuse. I reject that premise outright, no matter what moral system is behind it. It is not up to the victim to be the bigger person. It is up to the abuser to make amends or, in my case, to get lost. Who says I even want to forgive the people who hurt me? The internet? The bible? Other people? Why should I listen to any of these? What sound advice have any of them given to me before? Forgiveness is easy when you behave like a child, when you are immature; this is why many religions elevate child like behavior. They want you to be just like you were when you were five and everything your parents did was amazing, no matter how suspect or awful it really was. What people are asking you to do when they tell you to forgive abusers is to normalize abuse, to make life easier on people who bully, to sit back and take it again and again and again. No, no more. I cannot. I will not. I have had enough of this silly mentality, this very destructive mindset that only ever has moral advice for those who have been wronged and never for those who have done wrong. There are certain things in life I simply cannot forgive. I cannot forgive the education system for making me false promises about a nice new shiny career after I put in the work. I cannot forgive all the lying teachers and administrators who told me I was destined for success if I did the work. I cannot forgive those people, not ever. I cannot forgive all the countless producers, directors and casting directors who, for twenty years, refused to hire me, refused to notice me, refused to let my black ass have a taste of their white theater world. I cannot forgive that. I cannot even think about it without becoming enraged. I cannot forgive the follow your dream promoters: the celebrities, the preachers, the gurus, the spiritualists, the counselors, the therapists, the philosophers, etc. They have wronged me. They led me astray. They almost got me killed. Why would I forgive them? So they can abuse me again? So they can deny me again? So they can lead me on only to disappoint me again? No, not again, not anymore. I am done forgiving the abusers. Let them forgive themselves. Let them know what it is like to be dismissed. It serves them right; this is the bed they have made for themselves and now, they must lie on it...alone, without me in their miserable lives.