Fostering Marriage

We’re discussing the hurtful practice of minimizing your spouse’s needs, thoughts and feelings, and how to do a better job of prioritizing them. 

Understanding Your Spouse's Perspective

The importance of empathy in marriage, especially under the strains of fostering.

The Impact of Minimizing and Undervaluing

Negative consequences of not fully acknowledging your spouse's needs and struggles in a fostering environment.

• Disconnection
• Bitterness and resentment
• Hurt feelings
• Anger
• Guardedness
• Isolation
• Poor mental/emotional health

What does minimizing/under-valuing look like:

• Dismissing Concerns: When your spouse expresses worries or concerns, responding with statements like "You're overreacting" or "It's not that big of a deal" dismisses their feelings.
• Comparative Suffering: Saying things like "Why are you upset about this when there are bigger problems in the world?" or "I've been through worse" invalidates their struggles by comparing them to others'.
• Ignoring Emotional Needs: If your spouse seeks emotional support and you respond with indifference, like changing the subject or showing a lack of interest, it can feel like their needs are being minimized.
• Sarcasm or Mockery: Responding to your spouse's feelings or struggles with sarcasm, like "Oh, you're a real victim, aren't you?" or making fun of their concerns can be deeply hurtful.
• Downplaying Achievements: If your spouse shares an achievement or something they're proud of and you respond with "That's not a big deal" or "Anyone could have done that," it undermines their feelings of accomplishment.
• Belittling Emotions: Statements like "Stop being so sensitive" or "You're always so emotional" can make your spouse feel that their emotions are not valid or are an overreaction.
• Interrupting or Not Listening: When your spouse is talking about their feelings or concerns, consistently interrupting them or not really listening (e.g., looking at your phone) can convey that you don't value what they're saying.
• Offering Solutions Instead of Empathy: Sometimes, in an attempt to be helpful, one might jump to offering solutions ("Just do this instead") without acknowledging the emotional aspect. While well-intentioned, this can come off as dismissive of the emotional experience your spouse is sharing.

Strategies for Prioritizing Each Other's Needs

Prioritizing each other's needs and feelings in a marriage, especially when one spouse is struggling, involves a blend of empathy, communication, and shared responsibility. Here are some strategies that married couples can use:

• Active Listening: Make time to truly listen to each other without interruptions. This means not just hearing the words, but also understanding the emotions and thoughts behind them. Active listening involves acknowledging what your partner is saying and showing empathy.
• Regular Communication: Set aside regular times to check in with each other. This could be daily or weekly, but it's important to have a consistent schedule. Discuss not just day-to-day activities, but also deeper feelings and concerns.
• Empathy and Understanding: Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes, especially when they're struggling. Understanding their perspective can help in responding more compassionately and supportively.
• Managing Expectations: Be realistic about what each of you can offer and receive. This means understanding and accepting each other's limitations, whether they're emotional, physical, or related to time and...

We’ve all heard it. "Date your spouse." "You need date nights!"

Let's flip the script and introduce something we call “Connection Night.”

The Benefits of Connection for Foster Parents

Fostering can be incredibly rewarding, but also challenging, and maintaining a strong relationship is essential. 

Connection nights offer:

• Connection and bonding.
• Stress relief and rejuvenation.
• A break from parenting responsibilities.
• Improved communication and conflict resolution.

Problems Faced When Foster Parents Neglect Connection

Neglecting connection nights can lead to:

• Burnout and emotional exhaustion.
• Strained relationships.
• Reduced ability to support foster children effectively.
• A feeling of being disconnected as a couple.

Inexpensive Connection Ideas for Foster Parents

Budget-friendly date ideas for busy foster parents:

• Lock - In 
• Cook Together: Collaborate on a special meal, maybe even experimenting with new recipes.
• Game Night: Play board games or card games, providing fun competition and interaction.
• Picnic in the Park: Pack a simple picnic and enjoy the outdoors while the kids are at school or daycare.
• Art Night: Get creative with art supplies or crafts.
• Book Club for Two: Choose a book to read together and discuss it.
• Volunteer Together: Give back as a couple by volunteering at a local charity or community event.
• Home Spa Night: Pamper each other with massages, facials, or simply a relaxing bath.
• Nature Walk: Explore a nearby nature trail or park.
• Star Gazing: Enjoy a clear night by lying under the stars with a blanket.

Tips for Making Connection Nights a Priority

Strategies for ensuring date nights become a regular part of your routine:

• Schedule them in advance.
• Enlist the help of friends, family, or babysitters. 
• Be flexible with your time.
• Communicate your needs with your partner.

Prioritizing Connection Nights can help maintain a strong and healthy relationship, while providing the best care for the foster children. Remember, a strong couple is the foundation for a strong family.

Thank you for listening to the Fostering Marriage podcast. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review our podcast to help us reach more foster parents and caregivers. 

If you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, please feel free to reach out to us at fosteringmarriage.com. We're here to support you in your fostering journey.

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it. 

In this month's episode, we’re discussing how to recognize and navigate grief together in marriage because grief is such a big part of the fostering and even adoption journey. 

We have a very special guest with us, Dr. Melody Aguayo! 

Dr. Melody is a parenting coach with a huge heart for families and children. With many years under her belt, Melody's seen it all: from high-risk kids needing a guiding hand, to those neurotypical dynamos that keep parents on their toes. She's all about swapping out those stressful control battles for a home filled with joy and peace.

Melody's not your average coach. She digs deep into understanding what makes parents tick (and occasionally ticked off!). 

She has her Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy from East Tennessee State University and a Ph.D. in Psychology from Capella University. Plus, she's a certified TBRI Practitioner and Circle of Security Parent Trainer. But here's the thing –  she says it’s her own journey as a parent that has been her greatest teacher. She’s a wife and mother of two adopted children and our parenting coach.

Dr. Melody shares about:

• How grief commonly manifests in couples who are involved in fostering
• How couples can effectively communicate their grief to each other without feeling overwhelmed
• How to recognize signs of grief in each other
• What to do when you're grieving and how to deal with it better
• When to seeking professional help for grief
• How to support each other through the grieving process
• How to keep from burning out
• How to build resilience for long-term coping with grief

And lastly, Dr. Melody dishes on who loads the dishwasher better between her and her husband? :)

If you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, please feel free to reach out to us at fosteringmarriage.com.

In part 2 of our “Identity outside of fostering” series, we cover traps to avoid and how our self-perception shapes how we communicate.

Today, we’re getting into some deeper things concerning identity, and we want to shed some light on the traps or dangers of how we see ourselves to help all of us make better decisions in our lives and especially in our marriages. 

We’re approaching this from the perspective of a stay at home parent. However, if you’re not a stay at home parent and still struggling with this, take the content and apply it to you.

Traps that trip us up:

Comparing yourself to your spouse

• Leads to jealousy, bitterness or resentment
• That leads to conflict in your marriage

Comparing yourself to your former life before marriage or kids

• Leads to depression, anger, shame, feelings of unworthiness
• That leads marriage issues because your spouse doesn’t like the “new” you, or you feel like they couldn’t possibly
• Victim mentality can happen where you even blame your spouse for life today

If one spouse pressures the other to be more, do more, achieve more

• Leads to one person feeling like a failure or not good enough especially for their spouse

Caring a lot about your spouse’s opinion to the point you allow it to shape your self-perception

Culture/societal expectations that are real or perceived that leave you feeling insignificant or unworthy

Controlling people or a controlling spouse whom you lack healthy boundaries with leaving you feeling:

• Guilted or like a disappointment or a failure
• Leads to major people pleasing because you feel that will make them happy and then they’ll like you, or to avoid assumed conflict or maybe they’ll eventually be nicer to you if you please them
• This doesn’t work and just reinforces unworthiness and a poor self-image

How your spouse’s opinion/care/support affect a spouse’s identity in good ways

• Supportive and caring of you
• Accepting of who you are
• Encouraging to grow and improve but not in a controlling way
• Encouraging of you as a parent and the important work you’re doing
• Encouraging breaks and replenishment time

Identity and communication

In an argument, people sometimes communicate from a place of defending who they see themselves as or who we want someone else to see us as

• For example, in an argument or fight, we say things like “I’m just trying to get you to see (insert positive thing about yourself or your intent)
• The goal is to be heard or understood because you’re feeling not understood which leaves a person feeling sad, alone or worse, rejected

Another thing people do is they subtly or not so subtly share things that are meant to make us look good to someone else

• Again, this is another one of those finding worth and significance in people’s opinions of us and how it makes us feel better about ourselves
• The question is why don’t we feel fine about ourselves without people’s opinion or affirmation

How we see ourselves is so powerful and so much of our thinking, decisions and emotions hinges on self-perception. 

Finding freedom in self-forgetfulness

The pursuit of selflessness and less selfishness

Shedding of ego and pride allows a married couple to be serving, generous and sacrificial to each other

Contentment and health can be found in neither holding an identity of good or bad, significant or insignificant, but in not focusing on self so much period and focusing on others

• This can be monumentally challenging for some of us
• Story about us adopting and how I (Joel) felt my selfishness come to the surface and it said “don’t do it.”
• We have to practice not focusing on...

In this episode, we’re talking about finding an identity outside of being a foster parent. 

What is identity

• Identity is who you see yourself as
• Many people aren’t happy with who they see themselves as feel not good enough, not important/significant and can say things like “I’m just a mom or  __________”

Joel interviews MaryBeth (the main parent in our family)

1. How did not financially contributing anymore impact you?
2. Tell me about guilt over not contributing “equally”?
3. How can a mom who has gifts, talents and an education and she’s not using them feel?
4. How did you get to a place of thinking this is where you belong?
5. How much did friendships help?
6. How much did the kids getting older make a difference?
7. How important is finding a new way to use your gifts and talents help?
8. How often do you think a mom/parent doesn’t treat themselves as equally important in the family and why is it so important for them to see themselves as equally important? 
9. How can a mother reframe “motherhood” that helps them in the “small or mundane things” of being a mom? 
10. What have been some of the most impactful books that helped you as a mom
11. How does this recipe help with a person’s identity in a good way? Or is it not really an identity thing after all

Conclusion

Next month we will be going deeper into identity and self perception, looking at how it shows up and affects you and your marriage.

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it. 

And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.

In this episode, we’re talking about recognizing and working through bad responses to each other as a result of stress and things that trigger you.

Stressors of fostering: 

1. The stressors that the main load bearer can have (episode 13)
2. Bulk of tasks (paperwork to organizing now chaotic schedules) to parenting (often a child - or children with trauma)
3. Stressors that the non-load bearer can have. 
4. There’s still a load they’re carrying including emotional, parenting challenges of their own, worry about the load bearer, or guilt or feeling responsible for the emotional well-being of the load bearer or even shame of not knowing what to do to help situations
5. Triggers 
6. Our Root System
7. Brief mention of personality styles and how they come into play - listen to those episodes (episodes 5 & 6)

Bad Responses:

• Highlight certain responses: angry, defensive, frustrated, etc.
• Recognize you’re triggered
• Importance of beginning to self-manage
• If you need to pause the conversation, pause it so you can regroup
• There’s no value in contributing to conflict

Questions to ask yourself 

• What is bothering me/ What is the real problem? 
• Why is that bothering me/ a problem? 
• What is it I want them to hear from me?
• Do I just want to be heard? Do I want something to change? 
• Am I making assumptions? 
• Did I assume bad intent in my spouse? 
• I’m being judged
• Am I assuming their expectations?
• (me and assuming that Joel wanted the house clean) (ask the question.)
• Am I believing any lies? 

How to re-start communication 

• When communication goes bad, we need to communicate about communication, not the topic anymore
• Soften tone
• Each person share how they contributed to conflict, what they’re responsible for, what they were struggling with in the conversation (without attacking/accusing) and apologize for stuff
• And then pick up the topic again
• Practice better communication from what you just learned
• Ask questions of each other
• If/ when you’re triggered by what your spouse is saying, go back to pausing or softening your tone, asking yourself why you’re triggered, etc. 
• Finish telling the Joel late story

Conclusion

Personal growth and self-awareness takes time and practice and it’s essential to your marriage and parenting.

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it. 

And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.

We’re talking about the pursuit of selflessness, doing hard things, pain, sacrificing, or in other words, costly love. 

Why are we talking about this? Because this is what we’ve all chosen by fostering, and it's not easy. It wears at everyone so we need perspective that helps us be strong and .......well, just keep perspective. We think this episode will accomplish that.

This episode isn’t a “5 keys to XXXX," or How-to episode, it’s something we all need to be reminded of and encouraged to keep focusing on. 

The episode centers on the biblical story of Ruth and Naomi.

In this story, we see devotion, pain, suffering on many levels, selflessness, dying to self, and redemption. If you know this story, you may hear some new twists and perspective so don't assume anything. And if you're unfamiliar with it, it's a wonderful story we think you'll connect with, even if you're not of Jewish or Christian faith.

Regardless, we hope this episode encourages you and gives you new perspective to anchor your marriage in as you've chosen this difficult path of sacrificing for someone else.  

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it. 

And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.

We're talking about splitting the mental load of being a foster parent, challenges and how to support each other.

Taking care of your mental and emotional health is so important when you’re pouring out a lot as a parent and facing different challenges and stressful situations day in and day out and you can quickly become like an engine running without oil.

Part of keeping your marriage first is helping each other mentally and emotionally

In a marriage we often fall into our roles of who does what.

Many times, one person takes the lead on the kids and/ or the fostering relationships - whether with DCS or the biological family as well as taking the lead on the fostering tasks - visits, therapies, communications, paperwork, documenting things, etc. Plus just the decision fatigue.

It's important for the spouse who doesn't take on as much to recognize how draining this can be and have empathy.

It's also important to remember you experience, process on and think about things differently.

Here are keys to practice, as the spouse who shoulders more load:

• Communicate how you’re doing
• Ask for help including breaks (30 minutes to a weekend)
• Learning to accept help
• Importance of date nights/get-aways/respite
• Get help/coaching
• Bring up what tasks can come off your plate
• Expectation management (it won’t look like life before)
• Day to day life/routine
• How much you can really get done
• Flex your picture of your life/lifestyle/home/routines

Here are keys to practice, as the spouse who doesn't shoulder as much:

• Pay attention to your spouse and how they’re doing
• Empathize and listen
• Check in to see your spouse is doing from time to time
• Don’t minimize your spouse’s experiences and feelings
• Ask what you can take away from and be specific about it

Remember the big picture of keeping your marriage healthy (i.e. be careful of selfishness, wanting your routines/day-to-day to stay the same, etc.)

Keeping the big picture of a healthy marriage is so important so continue to openly communicate with each other to navigate the day to day, week to week challenges.

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it.

And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.

Today we’re picking up our series on setting healthy boundaries with family and friends. 

Setting boundaries can be one of the hardest things for people to do but one of the most important.

The difference between walls, boundaries and healthy boundaries

Why are healthy boundaries so important?

• Because your marriage is team #1
• Protecting your mental, physical, and emotional well-being by protecting against unhealthy or toxic opinions, behaviors, speech
• Causes conflict and unhealth in you
• Worst of all, causes bad health in your home, including your kids
• Create disunity between the two of you

Signs of healthy boundaries

• You protect yourself from being taken advantage of
• You have margin in your life and don’t overcommit yourself
• You have respectful communication with others
• You have strong self-worth
• You have close, trusting relationships
• You only take responsibility for what you should 
• You can say “no” when needed
• You can set limits for others and not feel guilty
• You have a strong sense of identity and know who you are
• You understand you can’t heal other people or change them for that matter
• You clearly communicate your needs and wants

Signs of potential unhealthy boundaries

• Allow yourself to be used
• Over-commit your time or to other people
• Low self-worth and critical of yourself
• Feel exhausted and burnt out regularly
• Have a hard time saying “no”
• Feel guilty for trying to set boundaries
• Change yourself to fit in with others
• Own other people’s problems as your own
• You constantly put other people’s needs before your own

When your spouse won’t set a boundary with someone they should

• Express what you’re experiencing from the person you think a boundary should be set with
• Express what you’re experiencing in your spouse
• “It seems like you don’t want to address it or don’t see the problem, etc.”
• Express how you see it negatively impacting them/you/your marriage/your family

Ask questions like:

• What do you think about what I’m sharing?
• What do you think we should do? 
• What’s your view point?
• How do we get resolution together? 
• Ultimately, if they won’t set it or you can’t get on the same page… 
• You may need to set it 
• You may seek counseling to better work through these things
• You may need to distance yourself from the person you need to set a boundary with
• You need to continue to talk through this stuff together

What not to do when your spouse isn’t setting a healthy boundary

• Attack or accuse
• Belittle
• Be passive aggressive
• Guilt trip or shame them

How to set healthy boundaries

1. Think through and clarify your boundary or limit

• Ask yourself these questions:
• What’s making me uncomfortable? 
• Why does that make me uncomfortable/uneasy?
• Am I over-reacting? (i.e Am I the problem for myself?”
• What do I want to see change?

2. Prepare to communicate your boundary

• Anticipate responses based on what you know about the person
• Don’t try to plan for every single contingency with a prepared rebuttal
• Prepare your introduction to help your boundary be received well
• The best prepared intro may not matter depending on the other person and what they struggle with
• The first few seconds of a potentially hard conversation can set the tone for the rest of it
• Remember, some people will always respond poorly to healthy boundaries and that’s not your fault so have a healthy boundary and don’t receive it
• If it’s a controlling person,...

In part 1 of our series on setting healthy boundaries, we’re talking about (cue dramatic music) setting healthy boundaries with family and friends. 

This can be one of the hardest things for people to do but one of the most important.

We cover:

• The difference between walls, boundaries and healthy boundaries
• Why boundaries are so important to your marriage
• Protecting your mental, physical, and emotional well-being by protecting against unhealthy or toxic opinions, behaviors, speech
• How a lack of boundaries causes conflict and unhealth in you
• Worst of all, how a lack of boundaries causes bad health in your home, including your kids and creates disunity between the two of you

Common times when healthy boundaries CAN be set:

• Emotional energy
• Time
• Personal space
• Morals and ethics
• Material possessions and finances
• Social media 

Common times where healthy boundaries NEED to be set:

• When someone is setting your reality in a controlling way (this CAN be well intended.)
• Friend or family member tells you you shouldn't foster for whatever reasons.
• When you're fostering - you get all the opinions on how you should be thinking or making decisions in a controlling way - not in an advisory way
• When communication or advice isn’t wanted
• Even when the person is totally well-meaning
• You may be stressed, overwhelmed or whatever and others’ opinions/advice isn’t well-timed or helpful right now
• When someone else’s behavior crosses boundaries
• They do something you’ve requested they not do or vice versa, they refuse to do something you’ve requested and intentionally not doing it

Common mistakes people make instead of setting a healthy boundary:

• Feeling the need to defend or protect
• Lashing out
• Allowing their reality to be set

What holds people back from setting them…period:

• People without boundaries can be easily persuaded into things they don’t want to do because they may be acting out of guilt or obligation rather than what’s best for them or their family

Common ways people hold themselves back from setting them:

• Thinking setting boundaries is mean or wrong or hurtful
• Fear
• People pleasing
• Guilt after setting them before so they won’t do it again
• Fear of making someone upset or angry
• It’s stressful
• It feels disloyal
• Assuming people should “just know”
• Not knowing what to say to set the boundary
• They don’t think it’s their responsibility
• For example, you have an issue with your in-law but your spouse won’t set entertain setting a boundary with their parent

Learning and practicing setting healthy boundaries is okay and a critically important skill for your personal well-being and your fostering marriage. 

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it. 

And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage. 

Join us next month for part 2 of this series on healthy boundaries when we dive into signs of having healthy boundaries, signs of not having them, how to handle it when one of you won’t set a boundary and finally, how to set healthy boundaries.