Found Family 365 — Young Felix

A Christmas Day Script-Coms™ gift from me to you, my new found family.

Don’t forget: January 5. Mondays.

Found Family 365 — the pilot episode “That HURTS” premieres.

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ALTA:

Felix loved summertime and his three-ring blow-up pool.

He always had a strong personality. I mean—really something. I should know. I’m the mother.

He could make me do one of three things at any given moment: laugh, cry, or hide. Sometimes I’d choke laughing. Once—or was it twice?—I had to crawl under the table.

One time, while visiting elderly patients in a nursing home, you explained stray cat love affairs to a group of nuns. You were very clear about why the screeching was necessary.

So yes. I’ve hidden under tables.

But my son had laser focus. And when he set his eyes and his mind on doing something, he was almost unstoppable.

Almost.

Tammy Wynette is—and will always be—your godmother and one heck of a gal pal. She’d come over in the summers and, for reasons known only to her and Satan, she loved to aggravate you.

She’d park herself right in the backyard—specifically in your inflatable three-ring pool.

The one you were dying to get into.

She knew it drove you crazy.

That’s why she did it.

Well… mostly.

You couldn’t say “Tammy Wynette.” For some reason, it always came out as Aqua Net.

So you’d stand there, ready for the pool, arms planted firmly on either side of your little belly, wearing the cutest swimsuit—no shirt, full indignation—announcing to the world:

“Aqua Net is hogging the pool again.”

Sometimes I’d chase her out myself.

Other times, you’d had enough.

I’d say, “Baby, just say Tammy.”

You’d say, “Tammy Faye! Get out!”

Then you’d point at the hose.

Tammy would just smile at you.

That’s when you grabbed the fly swatter. No hesitation. You took off running. Full sprint. Swinging it wildly.

At that point, I’d have to intercept—wrestle it out of your hands—because you were absolutely prepared to beat the volume and the body out of her hair.

You were tiny.

But you were not playing.

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ALTA:

You know Tammy loves to aggravate you.

FELIX:

Will you ask her to love me less?

ALTA:

Will you stop attacking her with a fly swatter?

FELIX:

Can I have a bigger pool?

ALTA:

This is serious, baby. You can’t go after people and attack them with items.

FELIX:

Aqua Net wants a bigger pool too.

ALTA:

I think I’m being hustled by a selfish country star and the Coppertone kid.

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I love writing Young Felix.

Maybe it’s the same reason a Southern accent makes my ears perk up.

— Louis Clifford Caldwell Jr.