Fresh Start with Dr David - Season 2 - Episode 18 - Boundaries & Limitations - 05082023

This Podcast Episode is all about Boundaries & Limits

Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.

7 Types of Boundaries You May Need

What is an example of a boundary?

A boundary is a border and it can be physical, such as a fence between two properties, or abstract, such as a moral boundary that society decides it is wrong to cross. If you have no sense of boundaries, you probably annoy people sometimes by getting too close to them or talking about inappropriate topics.

What does a person with no boundaries look like?

https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-set-boundaries/

You can set boundaries around:

Emotional energy

Boundaries can be set with:

Family 

Though they aren’t as blatantly clear as a fence, wall, or “no trespassing” sign, healthy boundaries communicate to others what you will and will not tolerate. In short, boundaries empower you to take charge of your life.

Personal boundaries are at the root of a fulfilled, balanced life. Without them, people can quickly lose themselves in their work, relationships, familial obligations, or service to others. They can even wind up being exploited or taken advantage of by people who do not respect them. 

These borders help define what you are willing to say “yes” to and what you decide to say “no” to. They give you a sense of agency and sovereignty over your decisions. 

Like an internal compass, boundaries can all start with a “gut feeling” that tells you when you have the time or energy to devote to something versus when you need to say “no.” 

Good boundaries free you to live life on your terms. 

Healthy Boundaries vs. Unhealthy Boundaries 

People with solid boundaries tend to have lower levels of stress and higher self-esteem because they prioritize their well-being. 

On the other hand, people without boundaries may inadvertently let others take advantage of them. 

People without boundaries can be easily persuaded into things they don’t want to do because they may be acting out of guilt or obligation rather than self-love. 

Signs of Healthy Boundaries Potential Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries

Protect yourself from getting taken advantage of

Vulnerable to being “used” or taken advantage of

Own your time 

Over-commit your time to others and leave little time for yourself

High self-esteem and self-respect 

Lower self-esteem and critical inner dialogue

Prioritize time for yourself 

Give a lot of their time to other people

You only take on responsibilities you can handle; you don’t overcommit yourself Feeling exhausted or burnt out by overwhelming commitments and responsibilities

Authentically say “no” if you don’t have the energy or capacity to do something Have a hard time saying “no”

Feel guilty for expressing boundaries

Strong sense of identity and direction Change yourself to fit in with different people

Take care of your own problems and understand that you cannot heal other people’s issues for them 

Take on other people’s problems as your own

You clearly communicate your needs and wants; you prioritize your self-care 

You put other people’s needs and wants before your own

Suppose you’re tired of living your life for other people or find yourself exhausted by all the commitments you’ve made to others. In that case, it’s time to set some boundaries and reclaim the power of your time, energy, and mental well-being. 

5 Effective Ways to Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries comes down to communication. Communicating your needs and desires is the most vital step toward defining your limitations and living a more liberated existence. 

Visualize and Name Your Limits

The first and most important step to defining your boundaries is to make them concrete. Boundaries are often confusing and abstract because they feel invisible in our daily lives. 

However, by visualizing your boundaries and writing them down, you can get much more clarity on where you want to draw the line between you and other people.

Set aside some time to reflect on the state of your life. Ask yourself:

What is causing me unnecessary stress or discomfort?

For example:

A daily routine

On the outside of the circle, write down anything that causes you discomfort, pain, annoyance, or emotional exhaustion. These are the people or situations pushing the limits of your boundaries. 

For example:

Your mom telling you what to do with your life

Openly Communicate Your Boundaries

One of the biggest mistakes people make is setting boundaries in their minds but not openly sharing them with the people in their life. Sometimes people assume that you should know their boundaries. But if they didn’t clearly communicate where they’ve drawn the line, how will you know when you’ve overstepped it? 

This can seem daunting and scary, but it can feel like a significant relief once you get it out of the way. As social psychology researcher Brene Brown says, “clear is kind, unclear is unkind.” Once you know your boundaries, you have to communicate them. 

Take a deep breath, gather your resolve, and assertively express your needs in a kind, direct way.

Here’s how:

HOW TO CLEARLY COMMUNICATE BOUNDARIES

Time Boundary “I can only stay for an hour” or “If you’re going to be late, please let me know ahead of time.”

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