Hi there,

“She’s copying me!” is a common kid complaint. We all like to think of ourselves as unique, so when someone copies us, in either a mocking or admiring way, it rankles.

In this week’s podcast, Jemma feels hemmed in by a copycat friend. I talk about some possible reasons behind the copying and some not-so-obvious ways to handle the situation. Let me know what you think!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Be sure to check out this month’s featured workshop on helping your child cope with big feelings, plus my new Full-Access Membership!

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 18 - Building great leadership skills (Kai, Age 9)

Ep. 31: When someone tries to be annoying (Mila, age 10)

Ep. 30 - Why do some kids push others around? (Michael, Age 10)

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Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What are some reasons why a kid might copy another kid?

• Why do you think kids often feel annoyed when someone copies them?

• What’s the difference between copying someone versus being inspired by someone?

• How is copying someone’s outfit or favorite sports team different from copying someone’s art or writing?

Transcript

Are you a twin or do you know a pair of twins? On average, twins are born from the same mom about 17 minutes apart, and they often share a special sense of closeness. Around 40% of twins make up their own, private language, which is very cool!

Most twins are fraternal. Even though they’re born about the same time, they’re no more alike than other brothers and sisters. Only about one-third of twins are identical, which means they have the same genes.

Identical twins look alike, but they’re different people. They have their own unique fingerprints, and they may also have different interests or personalities. Some twins enjoy dressing alike. Others definitely don’t.

What happens when someone who is not your twin tries to be like you? That’s complicated. Take a listen!

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Let’s hear today’s question:

Hi, my name is Jemma. I’m 12 years old, and I have a friend, who I really like, but she’s very clingy and copies a lot of things I do, and I don’t want to push her away. What do I do?

Hi, Jemma. Thanks for sending in your question! It sounds like you’re having some conflicting feelings. On the one hand, you like this friend, and you don’t want to hurt her feelings or damage your friendship. On the other hand, you feel irritated when she copies you.

Let’s start by trying to imagine why your friend is copying you. My guess is it’s because she likes and admires you. She might even wish she were more like you. Maybe she admires your sense of style and doubts her own. Maybe she copies your activities so she can spend more time with you. Maybe she copies your interest in a certain singer or sports team because she respects your opinion and wants to share this interest with you. But it’s also possible some of the copying happens without her realizing it. It’s easy to pick up phrases or habits that we observe in others without deliberately trying to copy them.

Now, from your point of view, being copied can be annoying. If you come up with a cool hairdo, and she wears the same hairdo, then you feel less unique, and it’s also not clear to others who came up with the hairdo idea first!

So, what can you do about all of this? The first step is to think about what’s truly unique to you.

Companies will sometimes create trademarks, which are legal claims that “These words or symbols belong only to us!” But not everything can be trademarked. For instance, you couldn’t trademark the word “banana” because that’s a general thing that belongs to everyone. You also couldn’t trademark the words “cool” or “sparkly” or “English” because those could describe a lot of things.

On the other hand, my name, “Dr. Friendtastic,” is trademarked because it’s unique, and it’s a big part of what I do.

So, if you’re wearing a certain style of clothes, and so are a bazillion other people, well, that would be annoying to have your friend wear the same outfit, but we can’t really say that’s unique to you!

Same with if she copies your interest in a singer or a sports team or activity. Lots of people probably like those, too, so you can’t claim them as only yours.

What can you claim as uniquely yours? Things that come from your imagination. Your writing. Your artwork. But remember different artists have painted their own view of the same subject or scene, and that’s okay.

Rather than trying to prevent her from copying you, which I’m not sure is possible, it may be more useful to think about the situation differently.

For instance, instead of focusing on her copying, what if you focus on the fact that you are able to inspire her? I think it’s pretty amazing when someone inspires others to do good things. Take pride in the fact that you are a leader.

It also sounds like you’re someone with a lot of great ideas! Trust your own creativity. You’re going to keep on having new ideas. Maybe she’ll copy you. Maybe she won’t, but how fun that you have an unlimited supply of interests and ideas to discover!

Should you talk to your friend about the copying? That’s tricky. You can’t tell her, “You’re not allowed to like what I like!” But, it might help to express admiration for something about her that’s different from you. That could help your friend feel more confident and less inclined to do everything the same as you.

It also might help to hang out with this friend in a group, rather than just one-on-one. This could ease some of the clinginess. The different friends in the group could also help her see that it’s possible to be close without being exactly the same.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.