Hi there,

Whenever I hear about a kid doing something wrong, I always ask myself, “What problem is this kid trying to solve?” If I can figure that out, then I might be able either to fix the problem that leads to the bad behavior or help the kid learn better ways to solve that problem.

In this week’s podcast episode, Martha feels annoyed that her friend keeps lying and boasting. Confronting the friend hasn’t helped. Maybe addressing the problem that leads the friend to want to lie could lessen this behavior. But that requires moving past accusatory, “You’re bad!” thinking.

Let me know what you think!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Be sure to check out this month’s featured workshop on helping your child cope with big feelings, plus my new Full-Access Membership!

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 53 - How to stay calm when someone is bragging (Lillian, Age 11)

Ep. 20 - Lying friend (Anna, Age 9)

Ep. 115 - Her lies hurt her friendship (Sofia, Age 8)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

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1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What are three truths and a lie about you? (Also explain which statement is not true and why.)

• Would you like to have a Flemish Giant rabbit for a pet? Why or why not? (Look up a picture of them if you’re not sure.)

• What are some reasons why kids might lie? Why does Dr. Friendtastic think Martha’s friend might be lying?

• How might lying to impress friends backfire? (Hint: How will friends feel if they find out they’ve been tricked?)

• When someone says something that’s not true, how can you tell if they’re lying, playing, or just mistaken?

Transcript

Have you ever played the game Three Truths and a Lie?
The game involves each player making four statements about themselves. Three of these statements are true, and one is not true. Other players then have to guess which one is not true.

Let’s try it! I’m going to tell you four things about me, and you can try to guess which of them is not true.

Number one: My husband and I have four children.

Number two: Two days a week, on the days when I’m not seeing clients, I study drawing and oil painting.

Number three: I was born in Chicago, in the United States, but when I was a kid, my family lived in Lima, Peru and Madrid, Spain.

Number four: I have a pet rabbit, named Fluffy, who is a Flemish Giant rabbit.

So, which of those statements is not true? Can you guess? It’s number 4. I don’t have any pets, but I think Flemish Giant rabbits are extremely cute. If you haven’t seen pictures of them, look them up!

The game Three Truths and a Lie isn’t really about lying because the goal isn’t to trick anyone; it’s to get to know each other better. After everyone guesses, the player tells the truth. Real lies, on the other hand, can hurt friendships.

Take a listen!

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Let’s hear today’s question:

Hi, Dr. Friendtastic my name is Martha, and I am 9 years old. My question is, my best friend started lying and boasting to our group of friends. She doesn’t stop when I ask her to stop and looks at me weirdly. I really like her, and I don’t want to break up because this is getting me really upset. What should I do?

Hi, Martha! Thanks for sending in your question. I can understand why it would annoy you to hear your friend lying and boasting. You know what she’s saying isn’t true, but she keeps saying it, even though you’ve asked her to stop.

Usually, when kids lie, it’s because they’re trying to avoid getting in trouble or having a conflict. In your friend’s case, my guess is that she’s lying because she believes that she needs to be better than she really is in order to be liked and accepted by the friend group.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “But lying and bragging is not going to help her be liked!” And you’re absolutely right! Real closeness can’t be built through lies.

But if you accuse her of lying in front of everyone, what’s going to happen? My guess is that your friend would feel even more insecure, and she’d probably hold onto her lies even harder. It’s embarrassing to be corrected, especially in front of an audience.

I’m not excusing or defending your friend’s lying and boasting. Those are clearly the wrong things to do.

At the same time, I think we’ve all had moments of thinking we’re not good enough or feeling like an outsider in a group. Her urge to lie is understandable, even if the action isn’t good.

You say you like this girl, so I wonder if you’d be willing to try a less confrontational approach. I suspect that the key to unlocking this pattern will be to help her feel more accepted.

What if you smile and show you’re happy to see her when you’re together? What if you compliment her in front of everyone and make a point of including her when your friend group is chatting or doing something? What if you invite her to do something with just the two of you? All of these could help her feel like she matters, she belongs, and you like her, just as she is.

And if she lies or boasts? Instead of announcing, “You’re lying!”, what if you think to yourself, “Ah, she’s feeling insecure right now,” then just say, “Hmmm” and change the subject? “Hmmm” is a boring response that means nothing and let’s you step past that uncomfortable moment.

This combination of more warmth and less attention to the lies probably won’t instantly stop her boasting, but if you do it consistently, I predict that she’ll have much less need to lie. And you’ll know that you’ve done some important work to strengthen your friendship.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.