Hi there,

Navigating closeness vs. separateness is a fundamental part of every relationship. Too much closeness can feel suffocating. Too much separateness means the relationship fades or ends.

As adults, we’ve all had to find what works on this continuum in particular relationships. And sometimes the answer changes over time.

Kids also have to figure this out, and their relationships often change even faster than adult relationships do.

In this week’s episode, Sloane feels hurt by her friends request for space. I talk about what this request might mean, and what she can and can’t control.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 123 - How to Keep Friends (Eva, Age 6)

Ep. 111 - Friend won’t forgive her (Thea, Age 10)

Ep. 73 - Best friend suddenly stops playing with him (J.J., Age 11)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• How have you tried to learn about other cultures? (Hint: Do you know any words in a different language? Have you eaten food from a different culture? Have you had the chance to travel to different countries? Have you read books about someone who lives in a different country or comes from a different culture?)

• Do you like physical affection with friends or do you prefer a hands-off style of relating? How do you let friends know what you prefer?

• Has a friend ever told you they wanted space from you or didn’t want to be your friend anymore? What happened?

• Have you ever wanted physical or emotional space from a friend? How did you handle that?

Transcript

I’m very interested in learning about cultural differences! It’s respectful, and it also opens our minds to understanding that there’s no one right way to do things.

One place where cultural differences show up is with personal space. A 2017 study from the Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology found that, on average, people from Argentina stand 2.5 feet (or about 3 quarters of a meter) apart when they’re talking with strangers. People from Romania stand 4.5 feet (or almost one-and-a-half meters) away from strangers. People from the US and England average standing about 3 feet or one meter apart when chatting to strangers.

Now, of course, within a particular culture, there can be a big range in what individual people like. Also, the personal space people look for can be both physical and emotional. Take a listen to hear how this can be relevant for friendship.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

My name is Sloane. I am 6 years old, and my question is: what if you want to become a friend, but the friend does not want to have space?

Hi, Sloane! Thanks for sending in your question. It sounds like you want to be friends with someone, but she’s told you that she “wants space.” Ouch! It hurts to be rejected. Maybe you’re also feeling sad, angry, and left out. That’s understandable!

Let’s start by trying to imagine what this other kid is thinking and feeling. That’s not easy to do when you’re having a lot of big feelings yourself, but it’s an important step.

What do you think she means when she says she “wants space”? It’s possible she’s referring to physical space. Maybe you enjoy touching and hugging, and she’s more of a hands-off person. Maybe you tend to stand close, and she tends to feel crowded easily and likes more elbow room.

If she’s asking for physical space, I think you know what you need to do. If she doesn’t like being touched or having you stand close, you need to respect that, even if it’s not what you like. Step back. Give her room. If you don’t, she’ll probably feel very angry because you’re not listening to her.

But what if it’s not about physical space? What if she’s talking about emotional space? Emotional space means having room to feel what we feel.

Maybe she’s looking for a less close friendship with you. In other words, maybe she likes you, but she doesn’t want to spend all of her time with you because she also wants to hang out with other friends. That’s fair. She’s allowed to pick who she wants to play with. You may feel jealous if she wants to be with someone else and not you sometimes, but this doesn’t have to be a friendship-ender. Let her go and just try to be pleasant company when you’re together.

Or, maybe she’s looking for more drastic emotional space. What if, even though you like her, she doesn’t want to be friends with you?

Double ouch! That really stings! When we offer someone the gift of our friendship, and they don’t want it, that hurts. And if she’s friends with your other friends, it might seem like she’s trying to kick you out of the group.

Let’s think about what you can and can’t control in this situation. You can’t make this girl like you or want to be your friend. You can only control what you do.

You may want to take an honest look at your actions to see if there’s something you’ve been doing that might make her not want to be around you. If there is, it might help to apologize and try not to do that anymore. If you adjust your behavior, she may not need as much emotional space.

Yelling at her and telling her she’s mean, or telling everyone else you know that she’s mean, won’t help the situation.

If this girl is playing with all your other friends but doesn’t want to play with you, that’s trickier. She does not have the right to kick you out of the group. If you want to play with your other friends, do that! You don’t need her permission. You can give her space just by focusing on others. Don’t be unkind to her or insist she should leave. Just treat her in a polite but neutral way. If she says you have to leave, you could respond, “That’s silly. You don’t get to decide anything about my other friendships.”

You could also choose to play with someone else for a while–to give her the space she wants and a chance to miss you. In a week or so, you could try again with this girl. Or, you might feel happier playing with people who like you and want you around.

Your friendship is a gift. My hope is that you’ll give it to people who appreciate it and you!

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.