Hi there,

So many of the questions I get on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are about kids feeling left out. That hurts, but in this week’s episode I offer some ideas for deepening friendships.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Check out this month’s featured webinar on Helping Siblings Get Along!

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 49 - Feeling different and rejected (Charlotte, Age 8)

Ep. 70 - Knowing when and how to stop (Owen, Age 8)

Ep. 77 - Friend is nicer to someone else (Maya, Age 8)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Have you ever wished you had more playdates? Who do you think you’d like to invite over? What would you like to do with them?

• How is friendship different from a game?

• Dr. Friendtastic said, “Positive and negative actions don’t have equal impact” on relationships. What does that mean? (Hint: How do kind or unkind actions affect a friendship?)

• Why is a one-on-one get-together a good way to deepen a friendship?

Transcript

Do you prefer to play games of luck or games of skill? A game of luck is something like a race around the board game–like Snakes and Ladders–where your progress on the board depends on the roll of the dice. A game of skill is something like basketball. It depends mostly on the abilities you’ve developed and the strategies you choose. Of course, there’s always a bit of luck even in skill game.

Friendship is not a game, but it does require skill, strategy, and a bit of luck.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Let’s listen to today’s question:

My name is Matthew. My age is 7. My question is, why do some of my friends have lots of playdates, and I don’t have any?

Hi, Matthew. Thanks for sending in your question! When you see others having lots of play dates, and you don’t have any, it’s easy to think that they won the friendship game, and somehow you lost. This might make you feel envious, resentful, lonely, and discouraged. It hurts to be in their role of an outsider,

The thing is, friendship is not a game; it’s about relationships. There aren’t points; just connections. So, if you want more play dates, our job is to figure out how to help you build stronger connections.

First, ask yourself, is it possible you might be doing something that accidentally pushes others away? It takes a lot of courage to look at our own actions the way others might view them and be open to seeing ways we might need to change. But this is an important first step.

Imagine if you and I were classmates, and the first day, I lent you a pencil when you forgot yours. And the second day, I sat with you at lunch and chatted with you about our favorite movie. And the third day, I played four-square with you at recess, and then the fourth day, I punched you in the stomach. I would never do that, of course. This is just a thought experiment to make a point. Would you care at all about the pencil and the movie chat and the four-square game after I punched you? Absolutey not! Positive and negative actions don’t have equal impact. Positive actions slowly build a relationship; negative actions quickly erase the positives and damage a relationship.

I’m not saying you’re going around punching people! I’m sure you’re not! I am suggesting that you look carefully at how you treat others because that’s something in your control, and it can have a big impact on your relationships.

OK, the next thing we need to do is think about who might be open to becoming closer friends with you. Who do you know who seems friendly and kind and shares your interests?

Sometimes kids only want to be friends with the most popular kids they know, but if they have nothing in common with them, that’s not going to work. If you don’t know anyone now who seems open to you, that’s okay. Go out and find someone! What do you like to do that you could do with other people? That might be a way to connect with friends.

The next step is to signal openness to friendship. If you want to be closer friends with someone, how could you let them know? Well, you’d definitely want to smile and say hi, and look happy to see them! You might also do small acts of kindness for them. You’d chat, do fun things with them, and show interest in things that matter to them. You’d try to get to know more about them and also let them know more about you. And then—here’s the big one—after you’d spent some time building your connection, you’d deepen it by inviting them to get together.

Don’t wait too long to do this because it’s such a powerful way to deepen a friendship! It tells someone, “Hey! I like you enough that I want to spend extra time with you, beyond where we usually see each other!”

Obviously, you can’t go up to a kid you hardly know and invite them over for a play date. Well, you could, but they probably wouldn’t respond well! But if you’ve had fun together once, that’s a good enough basis to invite them over.

If we think about friendship as a game, that implies that there are points and winners and losers. If we think about friendship as relationships, then the main question isn’t “Who’s winning?” It’s “What can you give?” I bet you have a lot to give as a friend!

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.