Episode 2: Being a victim, victim mindset, and how to be empowered to rebuild your life.
Free resources: coach.sandfalter.com
Transcript:
Have you felt broken after divorce or other heartbreak? Are you looking for hope, inspiration, and tools to help you heal? Then you've come to the right place. Welcome to from Heartbreak to Healing podcast. I'm Sandy Falter, a certified grief coach, mom and grandma, my own journey of loss. Once left, my heart shattered, but God met me in the brokenness and step by step I learned how to rebuild a beautiful joy filled life.
Now I'm here to walk with you. Each week you'll hear encouragement, practical tools, and hope to remind you that even in the heart of seasons healing is possible and your best days are still ahead.
Hi friends, welcome back to From Heartbreak to Healing podcast. I'm Sandy Falter and I'm glad you're here with me today.
Are you struggling to move forward with your life after divorce? Struggling to let go of the past and what happened to you In our first episode, I shared a little bit about my story going from those shattering moments of loss to hope and being able to rebuild my life. Today we're going to talk about being a victim, victim mindset, and how to be empowered to rebuild your life.
When I experienced betrayal in my marriage, I felt like a victim, and honestly, I was. Betrayal cuts deep.
It leaves you. Shocked, devastated, and powerless.
We need to be careful not to ruminate and stay in this space where we get trapped in a victim mindset.
For me, the problem wasn't the feeling I was having it was that I went from a very justified pity party to a victim mindset.
I was thinking in absolute terms. I would say things like, "I will never be happy again."
But let's be clear, being a victim is not the same thing as having victim mindset.
Victim mindset is when we believe that everything is happening to us and we have no power or control.
It's that voice that says,
Nothing ever works out for me. I'll never heal.
This always happens to me. It's thinking and speaking in absolutes.
It's understandable,
But if we stay in this space of blaming and ruminating about the past, we get stuck in these negative emotions of fear, blame, shame, and despair.
We also might start to feel entitled and self-absorbed. Sometimes with victim mindset, people get learned helplessness and their expectations change of what others "should" do for them because of what has happened to them. We give up our power. This is not a happy place to live, and those emotions are heavy and draining.
When we have a victim mindset, we're focused on the past and what has happened to us, and often blame and comparison are the roadblock to our growth and progress.
But the good news is when we can elevate our emotions, we can feel connection and joy again.
Every emotion that we feel sends signals throughout our body, sending neurotransmitters and hormones that affect the way we feel.
We don't want to live in this space of these negative emotions with all the effects they have on our body.
Let's talk about what we can do.
How do we keep from spiraling into a victim mindset after divorce or when we have become a victim? Every spring I have to clean my decks and my balconies. I live in the Pacific Northwest, and after a year there is a lot of moss that accumulates. When we moved into this house almost two decades ago, my home was full. My husband and I had six children living here, and it was awesome and busy and wonderful.
But you know the saying, many hands make light work. Well, on this particular Saturday, I was out by myself scrubbing and picking the moss out of the boards of my decking.
So as I scrubbed on my hands and knees, my thoughts started to spiral,
And soon I was wallowing in emotions of anger and despair and resentment.
There I was headed towards that victim mindset again. I have to tell you, Satan loves to keep us in this head space. He doesn't want us to feel joy and peace and enlightenment, all those wonderful, yummy emotions that make us feel good and help us connect with others.
He wants to keep us in shame and fear and keep us from feeling God's love for us,
But God's ways are higher. He wants to elevate us. He wants to bless us with joy and goodness.
So as I was scrubbing and spiraling in these negative emotions, having my pity party, I realized what was happening. I caught myself and I stopped. I stood up. I dropped my scrub brush and said, "not today."
I knew what was happening and I needed to stop that pattern.
I took control.
I knew I had done the work to live an empowered life, and I wasn't going to play victim.
So instead of letting these feelings control me, I took control and I started to think of all the things I was grateful for.
It took me all day to finish that job, and as I worked, my joy increased as I thought about all the things that I am blessed with, all that I'm grateful for. I have a strong body. I have this beautiful home that I have been able to continue to live in. So many great memories in this space. I am empowered, I have tools to rebuild my life, and the list went on and on. I was tired and happy I chose gratitude over grumpiness my entire day and my perspective shifted.
Gratitude is one of the most powerful tools to shift our emotions, our perspective, and our mood.
I know that when you're in pain, it's hard to think of anything you're grateful for, but even one small thing can change everything.
I had to start small in the beginning after my husband left: the sunrise, chocolate, the sound of my grandchild or my child's laughter.
All these little things that I was grateful for lifts my spirit.
Gratitude rewires your brain to see possibility, not just pain.
Gratitude is a principle and a practice. So how do you practice gratitude? One way you can start is by making a list. I challenge you for the next 30 days to write down three things you're grateful for every night or every morning.
I'm sure you can find three things, and as you look for the goodness in your life, God's hand in your life, all these little miracles that happen every day.
As you do this, I want you to notice how it elevates your mood and shifts your perspective.
The second tool is reframing. Instead of asking, "why me?" You could ask yourself, "what now?" "What next?" That shift in language moves us towards growth and healing.
When we shift from "why?" - which can be blaming and shaming- to "how?" or "what?" We're getting curious, and that is empowering. It brings control back into our lives.
So next time you have the thought, "why is this happening to me?" Reframe that. "What do I do now?"
"What can I do next?"
"How should I move forward?" Those questions will get you curious, they'll elevate your mood and give you power back.
The third tool is another powerful antidote to victim mindset, and that is radical acceptance.
Once I came to accept where I was and not focus on how I got there,
And that healing was my responsibility, I went from feeling out of control and powerless to feeling empowered.
On our next episode, we're going to dive into radical acceptance and how to use it to start healing.
I know what it feels like to be a victim. I also know what it feels like to be stuck in victim mindset. So if that's where you find yourself right now, just know that healing is possible. It's okay.
It doesn't mean you're weak and it doesn't mean that God has abandoned you.
His grace is enough.
Even when you're stuck in fear or grief,
He has the power to help you heal. He is the Master Healer,
And little by little you can rise again.
To a place of courage, peace, and joy.
I have something special for you to help you on your healing journey. It's A PDF with 20 tools to guide you in your healing and a free webinar.
You can get them right now coach.sandyfalter.com.
Thank you so much for spending time with me today. If this episode resonated with you or you thought of a friend who could use this, please share and subscribe.
Remember, friend,
you are enough, and with God all things are possible. I'll see you back here next time at From Heartbreak to Healing.
Thank you for spending this time with me on From Heartbreak to Healing podcast. My hope is that you leave each episode reminded that you are not alone and that God has hope, peace, and a purpose waiting for you beyond the heartbreak. If today's conversation encouraged you, please share it with a friend who needs it too.
And don't forget to click the link in the show notes for free resources to support you on your healing journey. Until next time my friend, remember, you are stronger than you feel. You are enough exactly as you are, and you are deeply loved.
