Out of the many revelations in the recently released report on Human Rights Violations in International Adoption from the Republic of Korea’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, there’s been one I’ve allotted multiple sessions of reflection.
Specifically this passage:
Last week’s question of the week was: what is something you’ve lost through adoption? One of the things I talked about in this episode is my family’s name. I think that’s a really simple, but really impactful, thing to lose (or never have to begin with). After sitting with the report for a few days more—specifically the above passage—I realized there is another loss I don’t think I’ve really had a long, sit-down discussion with someone else about. That loss?
The truth.
And I mean the truth, truth.
When I last went to Korea, I decided I was going to do a file review at Holt (the agency that facilitated my adoption). Upon doing this, I learned that they had information about my birth mother (that they would not give me) and that in order to contact her I would need to file a petition through the NCRC (National Center for the Rights of the Child) to initiate a 90-day letter writing campaign, during which they would write and send three letters to the address on file and if she responded affirmatively we could go from there. If she responded negatively or not at all, I’d have to wait an entire calendar year to start the process over again.
I decided that I was going to wait to start that process until after I’d finished writing the memoir I was working on. This was my way of reclaiming agency over this part of my story, agency I felt I had sorely lacked and, now, felt like I had a (more) firm grasp on.
About a month later, I received an email from the social worker at Holt stating they had initiated the letter-writing campaign. I was shocked and confused; I was certain I’d not submitted the form. Instead of responding, though, I chose another route: silence. These things never end up getting responses anyways, I told myself, and decided that this would be the case for me.
A week later I received another email from the same social worker who informed me that my birth mother had received their first letter and that she was aware of me but she was hesitant to establish contact because she had a family now that did not know of me. The social worker said they had convinced her to establish contact anyways because it would be good for “a stronger relationship” and so she (with presumed reluctance) said that she’d accept a letter and photos. I never ended up sending those.
When I did, a year later, I got an auto-response saying that the social worker assigned to me would receive my message. I haven’t heard back.
Apart from having yet to establish contact with my birth mother because I felt like my agency had been wrested away once again and now I have extreme guilt and regret over this, the thing I’ve struggled with the most is that even if we were to reconnect, and even if I were able to hear the story of my relinquishment from her very lips, Korean or not, would I truly be able to believe it?
I don’t know that I could (I also can’t say).
That is what I’ve lost through adoption. Because of adoption. Via adoption. I’ve lost the ability to know my true origins, 100%, beyond a shadow off a doubt. I’ve gone through the rationalizations, the justifications, the hard conversations. I’ve spent time reflecting on why that even matters, if it’s that important, if it really does mean that much.
I think it does. I think it matters. I think it is important. It means A LOT. And the knowing of that loss, understanding that loss, and, for lack of a better phrase, making peace with that loss, is some of the most important work I’ve ever done. Because it is in that knowing and that understanding that I can build. It’s from this foundation that I can grow and move through the world as the most whole version of me.
Because, while adoption ensured that I could never be whole, it will not be the barrier that keeps me from being my most whole self.
Final Thoughts
* If you have thoughts about this report and would like to discuss, I’d love to chat about it. Feel free to send me an email.
* I am no longer writing a memoir, but I am currently working on a book that will hopefully come out in 2026.
* I’ve recently started Pluribus, a new show from Vince Gilligan (creator of Breaking Bad), and am really enjoying it. Stories about resisting assimilation will always be up my alley. Uh… spoiler alert about the show kind of?
* I also recently guested on a podcast based here in Indy: The New Oldheads. Great show. Music-focused, but driven by culture and conversation. Tap in if you’re interested.
🕯️ This Week’s Conversation: Human Rights Violations in International Adoption
I dive into the findings and referrals from the Human Rights Violations in International Adoption report released by Korea’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission.
Read the report.
🌸 Mentioned in this Episode
* Lisa Wool-Rim Sjöblom/정울림
* Adoptee Film Fest
* Leadership Summit for Adoptees, Fosters, and Allies
💭 Question of the Week
If you could choose a fictional character to be your best friend, who would it be (and why??)??????
We’re getting fun with the next episode. Send if your thoughts!!!!
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