seroquel, people, psych ward, feel, medication, clubhouse, talk, brain, worse, mania, hospital, terrifying, vaccines, chaos, experience, video, state, suffering, point, induce

It's been nine days since I've talked to myself in this way. And I probably could have talked to myself a little bit sooner but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. The day after I made my last video I went into full PTSD, flash flashbacks, and and usually I would be talking about psychosis. But it was different this time, it was more like a flashback. It's like I could hear what I was saying to myself when I was unconscious. And I won't go into the details of that, because I feel I'm still in fragile state. Usually, when I go into a crisis of some kind, I, I dissociate and I just sort of sit there and I feel like I'm a homeless person. I don't feel like myself. This time was different. I definitely felt like I was me. And I was at home and I was getting ready for the day and I was gonna make some videos. And then go out for the day because I was feeling a little bit sensitive. And I was actually watching a little bit of my videos from the 10 days prior to that video, and I was actually talking about an experience where I woke up scared and then just waited it out. And I talked about maybe taking a Seroquel, PRN. But I didn't and and then it just gets to a point where I just am in a place where I just lost and terrified. And I remember the days before I was watching a program online about vaccines, and I think I talked about it a little bit. But there was this one scene where there's little boy was smacking himself in the head. And when I get into that state of sensitivity, I feel one with everything. And to see that it just really hit me it was like, Oh my god, what are we doing to the children. And I don't mean just with vaccines, whether they're good or bad, who really knows. I feel like it's more of a gesture of thinking we know more about biology, Gaia, ecology, human health, then nature itself. But anyways, I felt strongly that I could actually hear the boy trying to say, my brain, my brain, like it's in my brain. And like, and he was actually trying to communicate even though he just looks like he's flailing around, that gesture is still communicating something. And what it how I felt when I saw that I just I just I I felt like oh, it just the immensity of it. I can't, I can't describe it. Whether it was caused by a vaccine or some something else, genetics environment, is still communicating something these kids, when they get transformed into that, however, that happens, it's still communicating something. And these poor children. But I don't want to think about that right now. And kind of what that showed me is it's very difficult for me to take in information from the outside. And I already researched the vaccine stuff years ago, and I decided it's not for me. I feel like I'm sensitive to it. And I actually feel like some of my troubles could be even leftover mercury in my brain because I received the first round of hepatitis B vaccinations when I was in grade six. So there was definitely mercury in that. And I feel like it can have a delayed reaction. It can be in the Brain kind of dormant. And then if there's some kind of trauma or stress, then it gets, it gets activated somehow. But that's mainly what I'm thinking about really. I do feel like I need to get back to taking better care of my body putting more nutrition in it, though, it doesn't really seem to matter that much. Because I was doing really well health wise when I've had my first so called relapse two years ago. And so this one I just had, I managed to finish getting dressed and and get myself to the mental health clubhouse I'm a part of and talk to someone there and then take a Seroquel calm down a bit, and then somebody gave me a ride to where some of my family lives. And I laid in a bed and had the most intense, internal chaotic suffering I've ever experienced in my brain. It was so painful, and it was it was so out there, what was going on and and each time I woke up, I took another Seroquel, hoping that it would make it better. I don't know if it makes it better, or if it makes it worse. And by making it worse, it makes it better by making it kind of quicker, I don't know, since so far looks like I'm able to avoid the psych ward. I am curious about testing next time taking less of it and just writing it out, though, I think it knocks me out as opposed to maybe being awake through whatever chaos is going on internally. So it seems to be helpful. Again, I'm in favor of it while it's needed. And then not every day when it's not needed. Because even if I take it every day, when it's not needed, it probably is gonna happen again. So I don't see, I don't see the point, it doesn't really prevent it from happening, though it does seem to help me get through it. So I spent a week with family in the first two days I just laid in bed. And then I think the third day I got up for half a day. And then the rest of the days I was up most of the day. So I really only had two days of really intense suffering. And then a couple other nights were a little bit scary. Even last night, I'm still taking the Seroquel each night. Even last night, I remember waking up and feeling kind of scared, but kind of forgetting. And that's the thing it kind of makes you forget, which I think is necessary. Because it's really, really terrifying. And I'll probably unfold more of it as I talk to myself, even though I'm not necessarily going to talk to myself about what I did experience internally because that would be classified as so called hallucination and delusion. I could think of it as possible futures and they could be futures that exist hundreds of years from now or possibly never they're just possibilities because the brain goes into this possibility state and and that's why I feel like for me it's important to not fight it. Not flee from it, not add extra fear to it. But just freeze and just lay there and wait it out. Because if I was to get up and walk around while that is going on, it would not be congruent with anything. It's only congruent with laying in bed and feeling completely terrible. Like this inner chaos is happening and and it seems this inner chaos is just something that's within me and and it's terrifying. It's it's absolutely horrific. I remember as the memory of what was going on in my brain was fading. I remember trying to remember, but then thinking God I don't want I don't want to remember that. Like, please just reset for my mind. And so it did get erased and it definitely feels like a type of death like an inner death. And it's sort of like during an earthquake. Generally we don't want to be running around while the earthquake is happening. We want to stay still or move a few feet to find a safe place to park ourselves while it earthquake. happens and waited out. So this inner turmoil, this chaos, this post traumatic stress reaction or in whatever it is, or psychosis or whatever you want to call it, it's terrifying. And so just getting to a place where I could just wait it out, wait for that inner earthquake to finish. Because had I tried to stay up and about in reality too long I probably would have been funneled to the psych ward. And I was lucky to be able to drive myself to the mental health clubhouse. And I did get to express some of my fears and things that were going on at that time. Some of which I remember I remember talking about Jesus a lot. And in that state, I do connect with that paradigm somewhat. Because I try to explain how it was that I was able to get myself out of a bad situation. Sometimes my brain is like, what was Jesus, he came in and sort of took over your body and walked you on over there. And then so if I follow that line of supposed logic, and I might have been talking about this before, I don't even know. I don't know if it's great to talk about but then after the fact, the fact that I was saved, kind of all my life to Jesus in a way. And I'm not a Christian, by any stretch, but when I get into that state of oneness, sometimes I get in connection with that, because I could go around saying, Jesus saved me and a lot more people would understand that then I have a mental illness, and I have psychosis and things like that. And if I follow the line of Jesus, I didn't mean someone that was very Jesus like, and I talked about how he made me write down, create this Dream Center where people that are homeless can go to heal and have their dignity restored, and then connect with meaningful work. And so I feel like I'm supposed to do that, or at least try. And so that connects me with embodying my mania. If I go back and truly harvest my mania, that was one of the experiences that is harvestable. And and that would be connecting with my altruism. Notice how much noisier it is now that the snow has melted. I really feel like that was an act of divine intervention to put the snow air for over a month, so it'd be nice and quiet. I remember when I was in my first mania, I thought I could control the weather. Maybe the weather does intervene for us sometimes. The SATs an optimistic way of looking at it. Giving thanks for the snow for the peace and quiet that it provided. So yeah, I have a lot to say, because it's been 10 days. And so much has happened. And I wish I was able to make videos during the process. But I just didn't think that it was good to talk about stuff while I was in the process. And maybe next time it happens. I will or at least try to this time I didn't want to because well, usually I'm in the psych ward and I can't really make videos. I can once I get to the point where I can go outside on passes. But this time, since I was with my family, I just didn't really want to make videos about it. But perhaps next time I can at least somewhat The point of this video here is to show that nine days later, I'm back on my feet. And that crisis was just as bad as the one I experienced last year where I ended up in the psych ward and different care units for 33 days. So this time, zero days, a couple calls to my clinician. And I see my doctor today and I just want to be like, how do you explain that? How do you explain that with some unconditional love? Person centeredness not being directed to the hospital, because I didn't want to go was telling the people at the clubhouse. I don't want to go the hospital because of what happened last time. So the blessing of the last time being so bad was sort of that this time, I didn't want to go. Whereas had that not happened, I probably would have been like, yeah, I'm in the state where I need to go to the hospital. So these amazing people were able to keep me safe and somewhat calm, and they're so caring and wonderful. And, and trauma informed if you want to call it that. But I have relationships with these wonderful people. And and that was what saved me. And I'm so grateful, I just words can't really describe. Words can't describe because, you know, they get me out of the psych ward, and they helped me stay out of it. And that could be a big turning point. As not like I it's not like it was any easier. It wasn't. But it wasn't made worse. There wasn't a layer of trauma added by being put in a psych ward and pathologized. My family was very helpful to they just brought me some Moringa powder in juice just checked on me but didn't really pry too much into what I was going through, which was very helpful and, and I didn't feel judgmental eyes and feel anything but care. And it really was such a stark contrast to what I experienced last time. And I actually have a phone call about what I experienced in April, soon, anytime. And I'm really concerned about this whole I intragenic illness thing that I heard the term actually couple of months ago. And then I heard Dr. Kelly Brogan talk about it on her interview on the vaccines revealed program, so it wasn't actually related to vaccines, but she was just talking about how she realized by giving people medications. If she didn't really explain to them that it'd be really hard to come off of these medications. If they were on it for a certain period of time, meaning the medications were going to induce symptoms they didn't have before they started taking the medication, then she wasn't truly giving informed consent. Now she actually helps people come off their medications. And since she's really knowledgeable that coming off of them is actually quite difficult. And then usually that difficulty is translated into Oh, you need your medications. But really, she talks about how the body adapts, and then it seems like we need it. But really, we're just adapted. So I wonder how much of mine is that or I even feel like for me from the very beginning it was I estrogenic because the first medication I was put on olanzapine made me really worse. Maybe better for a little bit but then it made me worse after a month and made me really, really, really suffer. And it wasn't till I went back to the psych ward and was taken off of it. I felt better. So that kind of medication just doesn't do well with me. And it never has. But I feel like since I was put on at first, it made me seem like I was so unwell it turned me into a chronic patient because I showed how I looked in a different video, I was all puffy and big and. And that was basically a mental patient. And since then I've been recovering from being turned into that, which only took two and a half months to turn me into that. But it's taken five and a half years to get to this point. And I'm still on medications and stuff. And I'm not saying that it's all that because I'm also the type of person that doesn't really regret stuff in that I'm always learning. So I've learned a lot to this point. So by having that first bad experience, and then having a so called relapse three and a half years later, that was good, it was quick, in and out of the psych ward, and then another relapse That was quick in another psych ward, and then go to the psych ward and be treated in a way that was similar to the very first time. Even actually, after the very first time, I went back to the psych ward, and I insisted not to be put on antipsychotics, and the doctor listened to me, put me on an antidepressant. And I was on a combination of medication that I was okay with. And from there, I was able to take steps towards getting better. And I had a really good time along the way. So I don't regret that. So for me personally, I actually don't regret if there was any suffering induced by doctors, because I've learned a lot. I've learned what works for me, I've learned what doesn't work for me, I'm continuing to learn maybe one day I'll be able to learn my way out of having to take anything, or maybe not. Because I definitely have been through stuff and done stuff to myself that maybe I need to be medicated. So I don't even know, I think there's a lot I need to embody, before I can take this crutch of medication off. Because when that comes out of my system, it's going to make me feel worse. Before I feel better, and I need to be in a place where I'm strong enough to feel that worst sness if that's a word and cope with that, as well as go on with life. So I would say one thing is financial. Another thing is having a quiet environment to live in being connected with my friends. So it's not something that can be taken lightly. It's something very serious. And part of it too is by doing those things. It's lifestyle design. It's designing my life in a way that is in alignment with what wellness is for me, and it's different for everybody. So I know for me right now, if I was just to go off medication wouldn't be a good idea. Especially after just having a crisis and and it was really, really terrifying. And I'm still here. And sometimes I just have to feel like if I was meant to be dead, I would be dead already because that sure feels like chaotic elements trying to destroy my life. But it could be that it's trying to destroy something else. Like all the things that I saw and talked about, it gets to the point of being too much. So it almost goes to this extreme of too much and then fizzles out like an explosion, and it requires a few days of just resting to allow the brain to just get back to square one. Get back to basics and To me still feels afraid, more so than other times. But maybe not. That's hard to say. I'm only taking one Seroquel fast release at night. And since I do remember waking up afraid, I might try and take two. Because I do want to get back to baseline, I don't want to still be kind of afraid, though I feel like since this time, it felt more like PTSD than psychosis. Maybe that fear will just kind of be there. Now because it was more, it was more real in that it felt like it had more to do with me and my own experience in life, versus just dissociating and feeling like a homeless person. Maybe as a way to psychologically escape from that which I did not want to arise in consciousness as the equivalent fear and suffering that I actually have of my own. It's just translated into, I'm afraid because I'm feeling like a homeless person on the street. And there's a lot more to that there, I almost feel like homeless people are enlightened, and they sit there waiting to rescue those that need rescuing by their consciousness sort of being a mirror of the person in need. So we actually feel like we have to help the homeless people, but they're actually helping us when we just don't understand how. Basically, they're kind of like God in disguise. And we, we don't realize that and part of it is that if they were able to kind of stand up and talk to us, they might be talking about God and other things, and we just dismiss them. But that's all they can do is just sit there and then maybe talk about God if somebody engages them. But they're doing the same thing. They're sitting down and shutting up and freezing because because that's all they can do. But we don't know what they're experiencing, and consciousness and we all share the same consciousness. So it's quite complex. They're waiting for an angel to come and rescue them. So I feel like I need to go see the Dream Center equivalent in Calvary. And also go see Patch Adams because if I create this Dream Center, it has to be kind of like a Patch Adams place where everyone is equal. Whether it's the janitor, or the doctor or whatever. And even having people that are there in the Dream Center, starting to connect with their altruism right away, you know, feeling useful helping out. So it has to be I'm not sure. And I was thinking that it's more like people and space. It's not a system. It's just space, and people and what people bring to the space and the space that people create around them. And I already have a good example of this from the clubhouse. I've talked about mental health and been critical of things in the system. For the clubhouse model, I've never seen anything that I would think twice about because it's just beautiful, beautiful people, interacting with people beautifully treating people beautifully. It's It's wonderful and I really feel like I owe my life to that place. I went there after my second hospitalization after I had to be taken off that medication and was able to build a pretty good life. And I still go there and it's the people. So again, I can't be critical of my journey because I wouldn't change a thing though I would change stuff for the next generation of people who have to experience these services, because it can be quite painful and there can be a lot of harm. That people that are quite well meaning in the system are inducing. And they don't see that they're doing it. So there's so much to talk about, I haven't made a video and so long, but I made some notes in my book. And it's, it's all for me to remember what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. When I was watching my videos, I was thinking this is a good process. But I also need to talk myself into embodied mania, which is, which is pretty much just making sure I'm showered and ready in the morning and just showing up. It was Bell, let's talk day, yesterday, and I was at the clubhouse all day and had some really good conversations with people. And I just loved that place. I feel like how they helped me last week, sort of like how the Dream Center would help people to take them in and not label them just care for them. And I feel like I only live to that place. And I'm still intending to go to California. And if I do go I hope I can have some space and some silence to just come back and and do the best I can for other people. And I think I'll be able to serve people better without labeling them and judging them. Then I could by participating in the paradigm that is bent on that. And that's why I really do like the clubhouse because they don't ask about diagnosis. It's really just a community of people of wonderful people that are misunderstood. And the people that receive them unconditionally, non judgmentally. And so it's just beautiful. You can't tell the workers apart from the people who go to the clubhouse and and that's so important. So I'm really happy that I was able to make that doctor and the system obsolete. For myself, at least this time. That's English prime. This time, not saying go on never happened or have to go to hospital. I'm just saying this time. I was able to just lay there, freeze waited out and not allow my inner chaos and turmoil and pain and suffering to flower into the whole hoopla around going to the hospital. I'm not saying that that's a good idea to not go to the hospital. It's definitely the best out there right now. I'm just saying that it is possible to get to the point where one can avoid it with enough support. Even I've talked about my SAP strap when I wasn't quite ready to leave and I was starting to feel very terrified. I thought about my zap strap and I thought, should I just fasten myself here now. And I felt like get to the clubhouse, get to the clubhouse get to the clubhouse. And so knowing that I had that option made it so I could get to the clubhouse. So it's not just a matter of Oh, I don't need to go to the hospital. There's a lot involved in that. That means abstract by my bed I have a few Seroquel. And so I'm ready any time. And as long as I grab my phone I always have a charger cord beside my bed, then I can lay there myself as long as I want and then call for help. And maybe next time, that's what I'll do. I'll just lay there and wait it out myself and then call for somebody to release me when when I'm ready. I'm not sure that would sort of be the next level is doing it without anybody's help. And also another thing I could do is take Seroquel earlier maybe to avoid that from coming on. I was talking about it in my video on the fourth or the seventh. And then it was the 18th that things went down. So I wonder if next time I can prevent it from really going that deep. Right now I'm on Seroquel daily, and I'm not sure how long they'll take it I have a feeling that I might have to take it a little bit longer because of the different flavor of this crisis. I don't know. Usually I would still be on it like twice or three times a day right now. I've only been taking it at night for several days. And I don't know if that's quite enough. But the thing is, I want to be able to drive and stuff like that. So so we'll see what happens but lots to talk about with this. And I'm really looking forward to not talking about mental health after this week or so, because there's still because there's still a few things that I have to deal with. So yeah, this is not meant to say stay out of the hospital. It's just for me, I'd like to make that kind of care and treatment obsolete. putting myself in the path of being put turn alized

people, experiencing, talking, crisis, brain, psych ward, dream, feel, mania, embodied, day, clubhouse, mental health, ward, treated, psych, gestures, life, person, altruism

I feel like it's a countdown until my next crisis. That seems to happen every six to eight and a half months, I was able to stretch it out to eight and a half months this time, because the next longest was eight months. And it was a couple days after the new year that I was sort of celebrating gay. I haven't had a crisis in over eight months, which was the longest time without a crisis. And then I just had a crisis that started nine days ago. And already, seemingly mostly through it, even though I am still taking a circle at night. And I'm hoping to be able to stop that by two weeks maximum, so that would be five more days. But we'll see. I really liked how this time I could administer my own medication during crisis. And I wasn't in the hospital. So I could almost od on it, if I chose to, which I wasn't really intending to do, or not take any of it or just take one a day instead of maybe three a day if I was in the hospital, so I liked that. Yet, the crisis was more intense in my brain, that one night, and I must feel more afraid of it because it's the fourth time it's happened. And it seems to happen every six to eight and a half months. So I really feel like I just have a countdown until the next one. And I wonder if there's anything I can do to prevent it from happening. And one thing I am doing, which I have been talking about is to no longer work in mental health, at least in the part of the system that I find, for me, at least, at times, does more harm than good. There's other areas of the system that do work really well. The ones that are more relationship based and psychosocial based. And that's really what saved me from having to go to the psych ward was the relationships at the clubhouse, so I will be no longer working in mental health. But there are still a few things that I need to do over the next couple of weeks to tie up some loose ends. And I hope they don't bother me too much. It's interesting how crisis sort of erases my memory. I don't really remember what I was talking about. I remember talking about like brain growth and all this stuff. And I'm sort of thinking, I don't know if it's good to actually grow one's brain in isolation, whether that's part of the process or not. And even with embodied mania, if it's not relational, then it can get out of hand. Because even if one is able to grow one's perspective, to be able to see more and more and understand more and, and read between the lines of reality, it gets to the point where one's brain is almost like one with reality. And when it's one with reality, one loses one's individual ego identity. And when that happens, it's hard to operate in society. And when one sees so much and then sees too much of things that are maybe interesting and good. One can also see things that one might not want to see which is partly what the egos job is is to block those things that we're not ready to look at and ready to see yet. And medication can help with that as well. And I also feel like the state of shame is dangerous for sure. So I got myself into a place of shame yet a strong perception of things. And I saw way too much. And then my brain almost has to go to seeing way, way, way too much possible futures and then basically get, like fried by aliens from outer space or something. And then, and then just come back to like, whoa, whoa, like that was the scariest movie I've ever seen that I had to experience inside me instead of on a television screen. It was absolutely terrifying and so scary that I can't even really remember it. And I don't want to actually, it was unbelievable. And that's probably why it's easy to forget, because it's very hard to believe. So. So I'll just kind of forget about that stuff for now. And move on to embodying mania. And today, I went to the clubhouse. And I was there most of the day, because one way to stay embodied is to be around other bodies. So embodying one's mania isn't just about embodying one's mania, but making it relational, which I think I was talking about a long, long time ago. And also, by making it relational, it makes it more embodied because you're embodied as that version of yourself, and then you're relating in that way, which mirrors it to other people, which mirrors it back to you, and you're interacting in that way. So even now, after having those terrifying experiences, and going through that process, I'm not wanting to go and relate about that stuff, because it's not. That's actually the stuff I experienced, actually, it was not worth harvesting. And it seems that those seeds just died into oblivion, and I can't even remember them. So it's not something that I can reflect on and be like, well, I want to harvest that the experience was more harvestable in terms of very near to ideal scenario, from me being able to stay out of the psych ward, as opposed to being funneled into the system, I can almost see myself as the seed getting myself to the clubhouse and then getting myself to my family with their health. As opposed to being this person who walks toward the psych ward, and the ambulance and the police or whoever would be interacting with me in that whole scenario. Didn't happen, I didn't unfold that as what flowered in front of me, I was able to avoid that. And that's taken years to be able to do it takes relationships and trust and, and friendships and family and prs ends and quiet and surrender and just laying there and waiting out whatever it is that wants to implode in my brain. And and it was kind of nice to not have to explain what I was experiencing inside to professionals because they'd be writing it down and then using that as justification for changing my meds or, or putting me through some new kind of rigmarole. Whereas I just gave myself extra meds and just laid there and I didn't have to talk about it. Or say how bad it is for them to decide if I'm worthy of being in the psych ward or not. And all of that that happens because usually if I go I have to explain it to one person, and then another person and then another person, and then they decide and then I wait and then I get into the psych ward. And there's this whole long process. And I didn't have to repeat any of that stuff. I did talk about some of what I was experiencing to the people at the clubhouse. And it was more just having a conversation about it as opposed to having them gather that information in terms of treatment and diagnosis and things like that. So it was quite ideal. And again, I'm very grateful. And I do actually feel like unconditional love heals all, my family was unconditionally loving this time, not that they weren't before. But before they funneled me to the psych ward, that's all they knew how to do. But somehow, this time, I was able to get there. And they were able to care for me for a couple of days. And, and then I was sort of back to myself to some degree. And even though I was very much in a state of panic, PTSD, trauma, terror, everything, I was still able to remain watchful about what it was that people were doing to me and how they were treating me. And I just remember, seeing, like, Wow, this is amazing. They're doing exactly what I need. And I don't even have to say anything. And I feel like, I feel like somehow, by talking to myself so much about this stuff, that almost created that in the fabric of reality somehow, or the fabric of my reality. Because we're talking so much about how I had a bad experience in the psych ward, I really knew in my heart and brain cells in neurology, that I didn't want to go to the psych ward. And the people that I was talking to, they also knew that I didn't want to go. So they didn't just immediately put me in that direction. They were able to use their skills that they had, as well as the fact that we have a relationship and, and connection and, and mutual respect and understanding and, and use those factors, those inner human dimension factors, to keep me feeling calm and save, and, and listen to me and understand me and, and just provide that space, and it just shows the hearts of those people. It's just amazing. And I just wish that people like me could be treated that way without having to have the relationships. What I mean is a person could go to the psych ward and be treated that kind be treated as if we are all friends. be treated with unconditional love, even though a person might be saying and experiencing things that are seemingly strange. Seeing that it's temporary, and somebody can really get back on their feet very quickly if they're treated with compassion and care, more so than if they're treated with paternalism eyes, and, and, and that kind of treatment that we all react badly to. Whether we're unwell mentally, emotionally, physically or not, nobody likes to be told what to do. People like to be collaborated with and listened to. And so I don't understand why that just can't be the norm. So yeah, I was watching the whole time with the part of me that was completely lucid, because there's still a large part of me that is very lucid during those times and and I just felt very grateful that I was being treated exactly how I would ask, and maybe that's part of what I created in the fabric of my reality and in my neurology by talking to myself because like I said, this time was more of a flashback than a dissociation and by having a flashback, I was still me having a flashback versus just sitting there dissociated and terrified. So perhaps by talking to myself, I was able to get myself into a state where I could talk about some of that and also remain myself and I think I even said that in a video a long, long time ago, that my problem is that I need to kid Darcy, which is a Spanish word for to remain myself. I think to remain oneself. So I was able to remain myself, partly because I knew I had this app strap. And I was able to finish getting ready and drive myself to the clubhouse, which is about 1520 minutes away. And getting there. They diverted me from the hospital as well to my family, and my family was able to watch out for me. And they didn't look at me in a fearful way, mainly to because I know now that if there's scary stuff going on inside, that it's not happening on the outside. So it's something that I have to go through myself. And I've talked a lot about a lot of it and how it could be this and could be that and so many different reframes. I don't even know if what I experienced this time in my brain even fits any of the reframes that have said it was very strong and powerful. And, and so many things, it's it was just like, a death. And I was basically ready to die if I needed to. And so what I'm saying that is I didn't try to engage my family and getting them to talk with me about the stuff. They're not mental health people, they're not counselors, the stuff I was experiencing inside was, was not congruent with their reality. So when I got to the place where they were to stay with them, I wasn't like, let's start talking about these aliens wrapping my brain. No, I just went to bed lay down, was experiencing hell inside. But I was just laying there quietly and taking extra circle and trying to get some sleep and, and it went on for a day. And, and then bits and pieces after that. So by me just surrendering to the crap, I had to go through myself, which I would have probably talked somewhat about if I ended up in the hospital because I have to justify why I'm there. I'm experiencing this and that and the next thing. So by avoiding the hospital, I don't even have to talk about some of these awful things that were going on in my brain. And and that could have been partly why they just sort of disappeared into oblivion is because I didn't talk about them. Whereas if I would have been up and about in the psych ward, and maybe writing about stuff or, or having to talk to nurses about what I was experiencing. Maybe that would have given some kind of remembrance to it. But I just let it all wither away. And maybe that's why it was a lot faster to I didn't really engage it. So there is something to not engaging some of it. Especially if one wants to remain outside the psych ward, I chose to just surrender lay down, ready to have my brain dissolve and dive if necessary. And that didn't happen. Though, I probably killed a lot of brain cells by taking Seroquel. And when I talked about the brain growth thing for I think certain medications actually make the brain shrink. They say the mental illness makes the brain shrink. But I think most people that are diagnosed with a mental illness are probably on some kind of brain shrinking med. So they never really take that into consideration. And even if they do control for it, it's probably manipulated in some way to make it like oh, it's not the meds, it's just the brain shrinking, which maybe it is maybe the brain actually needs to shrink somewhat after growing to such a point of seeing and experiencing so much internally that it's a bit too much. And I think to that, again, it's important to be embodied. embodied mania, have the gestures going share the energy to create those neural networks of sharing and gesturing in those ways. So it's actually embedded in the organism, not just as a blueprint in the brain. And I was spending too much time by myself. I was at home a lot, the weather was bad, I made a lot of videos with myself. And I think that was a good foundation, because I actually think that a lot of what I was talking about with myself, helped actually create this more ideal crisis situation that just happened. And now for the embodied mania part, instead of just harvesting, instead of just talking about it, the embodied part is actually something I need to work on now. And one way to be embodied is be out around people. Because one is also relational. So by making one's body visible to other bodies, one's body is kind of more real, in a way, because other bodies, which are almost like cameras are seeing you are seeing me. And so when I was, well, for three and a half years before my first so called relapse, I lived in a supportive housing building. And the clubhouse was downstairs. So I was always, always always around people being seen by people and seeing people and saying hi, and smiling, just the gestures of being alive and being human. And then I worked for a chiropractor. And so I was always around people again, at least five days a week, seeing lots of people that would come into the office. And I lived alone for a year and a half that time. And then I ended up back in the hospital. I had gone off my meds with the help of my doctor. But then after that I had the parasport job where I'm not really around as many people. And so I think that being around people is one way to stay embodied. So that's what I did today. And another way would be, go to the driving range, hit some golf balls, go snowboarding. These are things I can't necessarily afford right now. But I think having a few different activities that are using my body and not being so much in my mind and not talking so much about abstracting about harvesting mania and thinking about the way the brain works, I need to start to think about how the body works and not just think about it, but actually just use my body. And sitting here on the couch making videos is not really a good use of my body, I don't think so I still want to make videos, but it's important for me to actually just be in my body, especially after a crisis where there's all these weird thoughts going on. Less thinking and more. More moving and and interacting with people is going to be important. I think in the summer, I'm going to buy a stand up paddleboard, and then that's a way to go out and just be on the water. And so I realized that I need to actually start living my dream, or I'm going to keep reliving my nightmare, as in psychosis, or PTSD. So I need to tie up the loose ends with the mental health thing. I'm still going to go to California and see how long I'll be there. Hopefully, I can still make some videos. And I'm hoping to get trained in ecpr while I'm in California, and also wanting to go see Celine Dion. For some reason, after my first mental health crisis, I would just watch a lot of her music videos and her different DVDs like her world tour one and then she had a different one of her concert in Boston and she's just such a beautiful and integris person that it just really helped me to watch her. And then luckily I met a beautiful and integris person to just be my mentor in real life. But I feel like I want to see Celine Dion Live in Vegas. And I did go to Vegas to see her, but then she had canceled her show. So I did go, but didn't get to see her. And since I had this latest crisis, I missed out on a bunch of hours at work, too. And so it seems like my funds are just hard to come by, they're hard to come by in mental health. So when I get back, I'll probably get a job, maybe working for a chiropractor again, or something like that. Something that's just fun, and not requiring a lot of seeing things that could be somewhat dramatic. And I'm still going to bring ecpr here in September or October or something like that. So I'll be working on that while I'm gone. So that's part of my dream. And also, I'd like to learn something kind of musical like, like electronic music production, I used to do a little bit of that. And maybe singing. And I also want to take a trip to the Dream Center in Calgary, and a trip to see Patch Adams and take a course with him. Because I feel like if there's some kind of Dream Center created to help people, it needs to be somewhat like Patch Adams, equality. And I probably talked about that in my last video, I think. So I wonder how many of my dreams gonna make come true in the next eight months. And we'll embodying that and, and experiencing that prevent the next crisis. I don't know if it will. But by not working in mental health and replacing that with dreams, it could be a good step, and it could at least be more fun. And when I think about it, I was able to be very well for three and a half years. So there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to again, somehow, I was also thinking that I could go back and watch my videos and try to extract the key concepts because that way I could actually embody them. So I could work towards embodying some of the stuff I was talking about and actually test it out. Or I might just go about being more embodied and see what comes out of that. So one thing is altruism. I do have some food that I want to give out to homeless people. So I could do that one day, I was thinking of doing a 30 day altruism challenge, making sure I get to do something altruistic each day. The trouble is those that I don't want to get hyper sensitized to traumatic things right now. So exposing myself to people that are suffering right now might be really difficult to see. I need to be a little bit stronger. I think I think I need to get this mental health stuff off my plate, because the whole thing about what I'm sharing in terms of mental health is that a lot of times people are very traumatized. And it's made worse by the way they're treated. So that trauma is not taken into account. So if I'm still talking about that stuff, it might be difficult to actually go out and see people suffering at this moment. So by staying out of the psych ward, I feel like I just accomplished the psychological equivalent of the four minute mile. Before Roger Bannister ran the four minute mile most people thought it was impossible for human beings to do. And before I would have thought it was impossible for me to stay out of the psych ward if I had a full blown crisis, so called psychosis. But I just actually pulled off a four day crisis. Without the Ipu. I also need to find more laughter again, somehow I used to laugh all the time laughing, being ridiculous all the time. Mental Health just isn't that funny yet. I thought of a saying May your dream unfold the dream of humanity and of course more nature would be great. I also thought of making a budget for things like the stand up paddleboard and, and seeing Celine Dion and, and just going for it. I don't really have very much money right now, but I have a lot of credit. And I sort of wonder if I just started going for my dreams, regardless of cost, within reason. And also started up that social purpose business, if I would be able to sort of get to this place where I am able to pay for the things I want to do, because what I mainly want to do is learn and if I travel somewhere, it would be to learn like to go see patch items. That's what interests me the most is just learning. And then also having it created so that some of the profit goes towards the Dream Center. And even if the Dream Center wasn't a building to start, like an actual full out, building, I feel like individual people can be dream centers, they can activate their dream center and become a space to help others activate their dream center. And that would sort of be in alignment with the peer potential project that I talked about. And I don't even remember all that stuff I talked about. But I do need to go back in terms of those projects, as well as just embodying mania. And being in my body and less in my head. And if I'm in my head, do so with other people in terms of conversation and dialogue. So even though I still have quite a bit of stuff written down in terms of the direction I was going before, I feel it's important to put that on hold because I could go that way. infinitely, I think. Now, I feel like it's important to embody all this self dialogue I've had so not just embody my mania, but embody the self dialogue, because so much of what I was talking about, from harvesting mania, and just thinking about the brain and everything. That was all harvested from self dialog, and like I said, most of it I just came up with in the moment. It wasn't actually something I wrote down. So I wrote down something I thought of and then when I was talking about it with myself, thought of something else. And I could do that infinitely. But what I'm saying is, I harvested the mania but I'm also harvesting myself dialog or I need to go back and harvest myself dialog and put the key concepts together for myself in order to create my life as a dreamscape. So maybe the only way to escape mental health is to have one's life as a dreamscape. And sometimes I think of the concept of escape velocity. And I feel like we could have dreamscape velocity, I need to be going at the speed of my dreams or moving towards that dream. And that's what the velocity is, is. It's where it's either going away from one's dreams or going towards one's dreams. And so I think it's important to do that. And that's what I need to be committed to from now on or I'll just end up being committed to the psych ward again. So hopefully, some good stuff comes out of it. I hope to be able to be embodied and to unfold my dream which is really to see other people who have gone through similar things to myself be able to transcend and transform and live the life of their dreams and have their visions that they probably had. And find people who have a similar vision because this Dream Center project isn't going to come together by just me. And I'm lucky that I know that I do have people in my life that would support that. And it's interesting because I could say, Oh, I'm building the Dream Center, because Shane told me to who Shane, I don't know, some homeless man. But I've met once. And that sounds kind of crazy. And it is kind of crazy in a way, but it's something a crazy person would try and do. And I think a person has to be pretty crazy to actually think they can change this world and to attempt to, but I feel like if I don't attempt to change this world, make it better for the next generation. Then I'll probably be attempting to end my life again, at some point. So I feel like I've died several times, I don't really have much to lose. And so some of this embodied stuff is actually gestures to myself gestures to myself that I'm going to remain in this body. So I managed to remain myself. khadar say, How do I remain this body? How do I, how do I walk out life as this body without having it in congruent with what's going on in my brain to the point that I just have to lay down for a couple of days, to be able to be revived? me say one out of five people has a crisis like this, or some kind of challenge. And so I want to help a billion people. And I feel like I need to repay my karmic debt to the universe. So these CPR, I want to work in prevention, preventing people from getting a label. And also people that do have labels preventing them from being re traumatized by the system. And also perhaps getting them to a point where they might be able to heal from their label and actually recover from the system not necessarily recovered from mental illness, because a lot of it is it genic and caused by the very treatments that are there to supposedly help and some of them are helpful some of the time. But some of the time, it's not helpful and makes things worse. And that's the part that is not cool to me. So yeah, I feel part of it, though, is get connected to your altruism right away. If you felt that altruistic sense in you. And you felt so much suffering and pain, it's probably because you were connecting with your altruistic sense. And you're really feeling the situation's that you were seeing, and maybe all the situations related to that situation you were seeing that you never realized that you didn't really see before in the past, so it's not just the pain of that situation, but all the ones that we missed along the way, because we're busy thinking about something else. And so it can be very painful. But I feel if we can get connected to our altruism right away, then that would be in alignment with what the process is trying to connect us with the fact that we're all one consciousness. So when we're seeing with that one consciousness, we see and feel what it is we're seeing, because we have that in our neurology or mirror neurons, in order for us to be able to respond adequately to situations for not blocking it off with our mental mentalization. So anyway, if I'm not able to go out and be altruistic yet, because of sensitivity of vision, acquired highly sensitive person hood, then I might just make small donations to different charities online, or something that I can do that won't hurt my heart too much. I was speaking to a woman who said that in the native culture, a crisis like a hat is actually called a snake bite because it slows us down gets us to reflect on what we've experienced lately. And and we sort of shed a skin and it's interesting because I've talked about brain metamorphosis or brain chrysalis and and yeah

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