Apple’s pulling the cord on its iOS guillotine a little early this year. The next operating system update will only be available for the iPhone 5S and newer devices. That means if you have an iPhone 5 or an iPhone 5C, your expensive slab of aluminum and glass is about to become obsolete. This will be the first time that Apple has cut off updates for a device mid-cycle.

Authorities in Auckland, New Zealand are urging all dumbasses to look both ways before they cross train tracks, after a local dumbass was nearly hit yesterday. But in fairness to the dumbass, the new electric trains in the area are pretty quiet. Too quiet, if you ask this dumbass. Modern urban life is one of noise, for dumbasses and non-dumbasses alike.

When 25-year-old Cary McCook told his friends that he got run over by a deer they thought it was a joke. It was April Fools’ Day, after all, and who gets bulldozed by a deer? McCook, a member of the Kwadacha First Nation tribe and a hip hop artist with Reka-NatioN, was getting dropped off at a hotel in British Columbia when the deer came out of nowhere. “I still can’t believe I got hit by a deer,” McCook told the Revelstoke Review in Canada.

I’d like you to imagine a crazy, far-out scenario for a moment. Close your eyes and try to picture what it would look like if you lived in a militarized police state with authoritarian tendencies. What do you see? I realize that this exercise is difficult for Americans who live in the land of the free and the home of the brave.

There are stories about vigilante Uber drivers that are funny, and there are stories that are scary. The latest news from Charleston, South Carolina is a little bit of both—but with an extra dose of the psychotic. Uber driver David Stanley Hubbard was arrested on Saturday after a pair of passengers, apparently fearing for their lives, fled his vehicle at a stoplight.

A tick sucks some monkey blood. A monkey’s grooming partner picks the tick off. The tick lands in some sap. The whole thing fossilizes. Scientists discover the cells inside the tick in the amber. They turn the blood cells into monkey clones and you’ve essentially got some sort of Jurassic Park in real life. That might actually be happening after one well-known scientist’s amber discovery. Except for the cloning and Jurassic Park part.

Nikon is, ostensibly, a remarkable company. Sure, it had to lay off quite a few people last year, and back in February, it cancelled a hotly anticipated line of cameras. But Nikon’s a tech-based company that’s managed to innovate and survive a hundred years. Nikon started as an optics company and has endured as one, even as photography has evolved considerably. Few companies can claim the same! What better way to celebrate 100 years of (mostly) success than with the release of.

Folks, the moment we’ve all been waiting for is finally official: Verizon is going to combine Yahoo (huh?) and AOL (what?) into one useless conglomerate called “Oath.” Holy shit! Oath? What a wacky name. A tweet this afternoon from the AOL CEO Tim Armstrong appeared to confirm earlier rumblings that the dusty internet companies will combine into one even dustier Frankenstein. They’re even rolling out an absurd #hashtag to go along with it.

Snakes are scary. Even little ones—the way they move, the prospect of venom, those little forked tongues—can send chills down your neck. But did you know that some snakes can eat human beings? A tragic incident in Indonesia recently reminded the world of this fact. A 25-year-old man named Akbar disappeared on Sunday when he was harvesting palm oil on the Indonesian island of Sulawesi.

The Australian state of Queensland was hit hard this week by a vicious tropical cyclone. And while there has been property damage, thankfully no one was seriously injured by Cyclone Debbie. Well, no one, unless you count this 5-foot long shark that was found dead this morning near the floodwaters. The bull shark was found in a puddle in the town of Ayr, just north of where Cylcone Debbie made landfall.