Audio from the YouTube video - watch here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtVSKVI5nAY

The typical response to men experiencing performance anxiety is "deal with it! Take pills. Study Tantra. It's your problem." Today's rumination is all about whether we have to take responsibility for our performance at all. Intimacy should be about celebrating - and not judging - each other's pleasure. This offers a different way of working with it.

Apologies for the audio issues. I'm still ironing out my setup with OBS. You'd think it would be simple, but... apparently it isn't.

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It’s official – men are in a loneliness epidemic. Equimundo recently published its “State Of

American Men 2023” report, showcasing some alarming statistics related to men’s social and mental health. Some of the most striking statistics: 

40% of all men show depressive symptoms; 44% of all men had thoughts of suicide in the prior two weeks; 65% of men aged 18 to 23 say that “no one really knows me well” ;  48% say their online lives are more engaging and rewarding than their offline lives ; and almost 30% of younger men reported not spending time with someone outside their household in the past week.

Find the full report here: https://www.equimundo.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/STATE-OF-AMERICAN-MEN-2023.pdf

There are so many reasons for this, some of which are covered in the episode: men are lacking the soft skills (relational skills) that would help them build social infrastructures that support their wellbeing. Today’s discussion covers how this hurts men, especially when things take a turn for the worse in their lives, and how men can proactively address this. Men need to get better at finding and growing emotionally deep and resilient relationships.

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This episode references a previous episode, "Men's Groups - Why They're Critical to Everyone's Wellbeing". Listen to that here:

https://pod.fo/e/20ec84

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Gentle Man is proud this week to host a longtime collaborator, Robin Nelson. Robin is a podcaster and lifelong enjoyer of videogames. We discuss videogames and their role (if any) in perpetuating real-life violence. We examine how gaming intersected our other childhood influences and the role it plays in our adult lives. Robin also explores gun ownership and how gaming fostered that interest in him. This conversation is a critical meditation on the role that outside and media influences play on male violence.

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Today I’m thrilled to share my conversation with Shura Eagen, MS, LPC. Shura is a licensed therapist who works with men on a daily basis in a number of applied modalities. I invited her on the show to talk about the common issues she sees coming up for the men she works with. We discuss how men often experience unknown emotions as “anxiety”, and that befriending the sensations - rather than fixing them - is the way forward. We discuss the dynamics of partners in the home, dating in the age of digital loneliness, and raising children with more opportunity to play and find their self expression.

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Shura Eagen has a master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling with an emphasis in Somatic Psychology through Prescott College. She has completed advanced training in trauma-informed Hakomi Mindfulness-based Somatic Psychotherapy and Experiential Attachment Psychotherapy through the M.E.T.A. Institute in Portland, OR. In 2020, she became a level I AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) therapist, and her current focus in working with her clients is breathwork. Find Shura and learn more about her offerings at

https://www.luminousheartwellness.org/

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Today we are discussing the (what should be) controversial topic of male polarity. This is a theory popularized by David Deida that states that masculine and feminine energies must be balanced and opposite to create attraction between people. In his book "The Way of the Superior Man" and through his teachings, David outlines how people can improve their relationships and their sex lives by adhering to the behavioral guidelines of the polarity they're trying to achieve. In this episode we cover why these teachings are problematic and how they are essentially a New Age repackaging of old patriarchal ideals. We also cover alternate teachings and theories that provide much more useful and realistic blueprints for people trying to grow or preserve intimacy in their relationships.

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Esther Perel's article "In Long-Term Relationships, When Do You Find Yourself Most Drawn to Your Partner?"

https://www.estherperel.com/blog/when-are-you-drawn-to-your-partner-in-long-term-relationships

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The rigidness of expectation on male behavior from our culture is mirrored in the rigidness in the bodies of men. We internalize messages about how we’re supposed to hold ourselves and act, and these messages literally shape our bodies. It can take a lifetime to assess and address the implications of this. When we are held back from expressing our authentic desires, we restrict the flow of our life’s force. When we allow social expectations to limit our behavior, we stifle vital parts of ourselves. This episode identifies areas in which this commonly happens for men and outlines strategies for giving ourselves more freedom.

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Shame is one of the deepest challenges men face and one of the strongest reinforcing elements defining gender roles in culture. From the moment we are born and continuing on into our lives, we are exposed to shaming by our parents, siblings, peers, romantic partners and coworkers. Shame is so pernicious because it often lurks internalized in our own psyches – we may not even be aware of the original external motive that informed our negative internal dialogues. The amount of restrictions that shame places on men consciously and unconsciously is monumental. Working through shame gives men greater access to the things they often want: success in dating and their careers, and the esteem of their peers. This episode outlines many of the ways in which shame gets instilled in us, and then supplies 6 tools and approaches for working through it.

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This episode references a previous episode, "Male Body Dysmorphia - It Probably Affects You". Listen to that here:

https://pod.fo/e/1ebd65

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Affection is something adult men often struggle to share with each other. We may feel comfortable showing it towards the women in our lives, whether it’s our spouses or kids or other female relatives. But many men, even those who are close in friendship or share familial ties, are loath to share much physical or verbal affection with other men. Many factors go into this, such as a pervasive culture of homophobia, memory of traumatic harm at the hands of other men, and lack of sufficient role modeling in the culture at large. In this episode we explore the challenge and suggest strategies for getting more male affection in your life.

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In this episode, we’re honored to bring an interview with Sage Liskey, activist author and founder of Rad Cat Press. His work for the last many years has focused on wellness in many forms. Today’s conversation focuses on men’s wellness, from finding community to being in more direct conversation about changing gender roles. We explore reflections on dating in a contemporary feminist climate and discuss how education could better serve children and young boys. Sage has a wealth of knowledge on wellness that goes all the way down to the genetic level.

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Sage Liskey is an Oregon-born author, artist, designer, poet, event organizer, and public speaker. He is the founder of the Rad Cat Press and writes books about uplifting lives and reimagining society. His works include You're A Snarky Darkness, Radical Self-Care, and You Are A Great And Powerful Wizard.

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Men often struggle to grieve. Grief is one of the most basic human impulses and imperatives. Without it, we will always on some level lead tortured or incomplete lives. Women in most cultures are more encouraged to feel and express grief, which helps them to maintain healthy emotional balance. Without this same encouragement and healthy outlet, men can become lonely, alienated and violent. Today’s show discusses the challenges of male grief and suggests some approaches to unlocking it.

Also don’t forget to check out previous episode “Boys Don't Cry - How to Work With Feelings” for some useful tips for men wanting to get into grief: https://pod.fo/e/1e457f

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Patreon coming soon!

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