Herein we present a general microanalytical technique rant, at least three soap boxes (my favorite being "I want to also rant about bulk chemistry techniques and why if these techniques are “so routine” that we still have some labs that suck at understanding (or respecting) how to do basic chemistry well"), and the story of how a geologist with a graduate degree in geochemistry found themself crushing rocks at the USGS and living in both Omaha, Nebraska and ::shudder:: Newark, New Jersey.