Gilmore & Green: Where Healing and Hope Meet

Family Estrangement: Hope, Healing, and the Path to Reconnection

When an adult child severs ties, the silence that follows can be deafening. On this episode of Mindful Moments: Insights to Empower the Soul, licensed marriage and family therapists Sharilyn Green and Dr. Debi Gilmore step into the "silent epidemic" of family estrangement.

While the pain is profound, there is a path forward. This conversation isn’t just about understanding why estrangement happens; it’s about the radical humility and patient strategies required to build a bridge back to your loved ones. Whether you are currently in the thick of a cutoff or looking to support someone who is, this episode offers a compassionate roadmap for navigating the emotional turmoil and finding peace in the waiting.

In this episode, we explore:

-The Cultural Shift: Why are we seeing a rise in estrangement today compared to previous generations?

- The Power of Validation: How acknowledging your child’s perspective (even when it differs from yours) is the key to reopening the door.

- Boundaries & Self-Care: Why building a meaningful life for yourself is a crucial part of the reconciliation process.

- Consistency vs. Pressure: How to maintain a "gentle presence" without overstepping.

- The Role of Faith: Using prayer and spirituality as a source of strength during the "long game" of healing.

"Reconciliation isn't just about getting back to how things were—it's about building something healthier than before."

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Episode Timestamps

00:00 – The Silent Epidemic: Why we need to talk about estrangement.

01:57 – Real Stories: Addressing listener heartbreaks and shared experiences.

02:34 – The Changing Landscape: How modern family dynamics have shifted.

08:08 – Intent vs. Impact: Why "good intentions" sometimes lead to misunderstandings.

09:37 – The Humility Hack: Using validation to lower defenses.

16:56 – Respecting the "No": How to honor boundaries while holding onto hope.

22:28 – Spiritual Anchors: Finding peace through faith and prayer.

23:30 – A New Perspective: Reframing this season as an opportunity for growth.

What Makes a Great Friend? How to be one and how to find one

Struggling with loneliness or wondering how to make friends as an adult? Join Dr. Debi Gilmore and Sharilyn Green as they discuss the life-saving power of friendship and share a practical guide to building healthy friendships for emotional wellbeing.

Find our podcast on your favorite platform: https://tr.ee/BH7nQdpheW

Key Discussion Points

1. The Science of Connection

The Harvard Happiness Project: A long-term study confirming that relationships are the primary key to human happiness.

The Midas Study: Data from 2,100+ adults showing that healthy relationships help us live longer and age better.

Quality over Quantity: Most individuals only need 2 to 5 close friends to reap the full psychological and physical benefits.

The Loneliness Epidemic: Addressing the Surgeon General’s 2023 declaration and how isolation impacts heart health, dementia risk, and mortality.

2. What Makes a "Good Friend"?

Debi and Sharilyn outline the essential traits to look for—and to emulate:

Consistency & Reliability: Showing up, being steady, and building emotional safety.

Deep Listening: Attuning to tone and emotion so the other person feels truly "gotten."

Celebrating Wins: Feeling joy for another’s success without envy or competition.

Holding Pain: Sitting with a friend in their struggle without trying to "fix" it or minimize it.

Kind Honesty: Offering truth paired with warmth—the "relational sweet spot."

The "Safe House" Rule: Ensuring a friend’s name and reputation are safe in your home and conversations.

3. The ABCS of Secure Attachment

As EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) practitioners, the hosts highlight four elements that create secure bonds:

Acceptance, Belonging, Comfort, Safety

These are essential to healthy friendships.

Practical Tools & Tips

How to Find and Build New Friendships:

Join organized groups: Book clubs, hiking groups, or service organizations.

Be a "Yes" Person: Practice saying "yes" to small invitations like grabbing lunch.

Initiate Micro-moments: A simple smile, a sincere compliment, or a follow-up text.

The Power of Prayer: Praying for "tender mercies"—for God to place people in your path and for the eyes to see them.

Steps for Repairing a Ruptured Friendship:

-Acknowledge the issue: Take responsibility for your part.

-Apologize swiftly: Don't let injuries "seal over" and become permanent scars.

-Communicate openly: Listen to their perspective without judgment.

-Be patient: Trust requires a new track record of consistency.

-Make new memories: Pave the way for a future that is often stronger than the past.

"Therefore, What?" (Weekly Challenges)

Sharilyn: Commit to being more observant of those who are lonely during the holiday season and reaching out intentionally.

Debi: Move beyond "cliché invitations." Instead of saying "we should grab lunch," follow through with a specific date and time to build real connection.

Notable Quotes

"The love of our neighbor in all its fullness simply means being able to say, 'What are you going through?'" — Simone Weil

"Your name is safe in my house."

"The highest type of discernment is that which perceives in others and uncovers for them their better natures." — Stephen Richards

00:00 Introduction: The Value of Friendship

00:35 The Science of Happiness and Friendship

01:56 Understanding Personality Types in Friendships

02:37 The Loneliness Epidemic

05:20 Core Traits of a Good Friend

14:25 Practical Tips for Making New Friends

17:58 Repairing Broken Friendships

23:41 The Importance of Personal Ministry

26:29 Conclusion: Taking Action on Friendship

Egalitarian vs. Authoritarian Marriages: Building Balanced Relationships

In this episode, Dr. Debi Gilmore and Sharilyn Green dive deep into the power dynamics of marriage. They explore the painful reality of feeling "invisible" in a relationship and distinguish between Authoritarian (unbalanced/controlling) and Egalitarian (balanced/equal) partnerships. Drawing on extensive research, they discuss how sharing power, collaborating on roles, and fostering emotional reciprocity can build a resilient, fulfilling marriage that survives the "storms of life."

Key Discussion Points

The Pain of Invisibility: How being "seen" is a core human need and how a lack of voice leads to profound loneliness in a marriage.

Defining the Egalitarian Marriage: It isn’t about 50/50 chores; it’s about mutual respect, shared authority, and flexible roles based on strengths rather than rigid gender norms.

The Authoritarian Dynamic: Recognizing the signs of imbalance—where one partner holds primary power, and the other feels the need to "ask permission" or walk on eggshells.

Research-Backed Benefits: Why egalitarian couples report higher relationship satisfaction, better conflict resolution, and faster recovery from life’s stressors.

The "Mental Load": Acknowledging the invisible tasks (schedules, emotional tracking) and the importance of "spinning the plates" together.

Quiet Quitting in Marriage: A look at the trend of disconnection and "emotional divorce" that happens when power imbalances go unaddressed.

Self-Assessment: How is your Power Balance?

We suggest asking these questions to evaluate your relationship health:

Decision Making: Who makes the final call when you disagree?

Prioritization: Whose preferences take center stage on a day-to-day basis?

Emotional Labor: Who usually notices tension first and initiates the repair?

Career & Money: Are both careers valued equally, regardless of income differences?

Steps to Rebalance Your Relationship

-Name the Pattern, Not the Person: Focus on the "system" of the relationship rather than blaming your partner.

-Seek Mutual Influence: Practice the phrase, "Help me understand," to invite your partner's perspective.

-Establish Non-Negotiables: Commit to zero tolerance for demeaning language, stonewalling, or using divorce as a threat.

-Embrace Transparency: Share full access to finances, schedules, and parenting decisions.

-Seek Professional Help: Consider Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to gain insight into negative cycles.

"Therefore, What?" (Weekly Takeaways)

Sharilyn: Committed to approaching "controlling" behaviors in her clinic with more compassion, understanding that they often stem from deep-seated insecurities or past models of survival.

Dr. Debi Gilmore: Reflects on the gratitude she feels for her own egalitarian partnership and encourages listeners to explicitly thank their partners for their support.

Notable Quotes

"Collaborating means we put it all in the bowl, we mix it up and have a wonderful salad—a blend." – Dr. Debi Gilmore

"Egalitarian marriages are built on safety, reciprocity, and partnership, while authoritarian marriages are built on fear, hierarchy, and reactivity." – Sharilyn Green

NEXT WEEK: A deep dive into the science backed antidote of loneliness, depression, addiction, apathy and disconnection! It’ll surprise you.

00:00 The Need to Be Seen in Marriage

00:51 Introduction to the Podcast

01:25 Understanding Egalitarian Relationships

04:09 Characteristics of Egalitarian Marriages

05:21 Challenges and Flexibility in Roles

06:26 Emotional and Mental Load Sharing

07:44 Collaborative Leadership and Equity

10:08 Research Supporting Egalitarian Marriages

12:31 Assessing Your Relationship

14:32 Authoritarian vs. Egalitarian Relationships

18:29 Emotional Climate and Communication

20:26 Conflict Styles and Power Dynamics

21:19 Impact of Authoritarian Marriages

23:50 Restoring Balance and Seeking Help

28:54 Conclusion and Personal Reflections

The Healing Power of Chosen Families: Understanding Fictive Kin Relationships

In this episode, marriage and family therapists Sharilyn Green and Dr. Debi Gilmore explore the concept of 'fictive kin' or chosen families. Listen in to learn the emotional benefits of these relationships, particularly for individuals from broken or dysfunctional families. Fictive kin can offer emotional support, reduce loneliness, and foster personal growth. They also warn those with chosen family relationships against potential pitfalls such as over-dependency and emphasize the importance of maintaining healthy boundaries. You will feel the value of chosen families as a sign of personal resilience and emotional growth, rather than a failure to connect with biological relatives.

A Few Key Takeaways

Resilience Over Failure: Choosing family is a proactive step toward health. It allows you to experience "safe attachment" that may have been missing in childhood.

Intentionality is Key: Unlike biological ties, fictive kin are based on mutual satisfaction and reciprocity rather than tradition or obligation.

Boundaries Protect the Gift: Clear expectations prevent "rescuer dynamics" and ensure the relationship remains a source of strength, not stress.

The "Therapy" Distinction: While chosen families provide incredible support, deep trauma work should still be handled with a trained therapist to avoid displacing past wounds onto new friends.

Coming Up Next Week - Subscribe to get notified!

Join us next time as we explore the balance of power in relationships and the benefits of an egalitarian marriage. We’ll discuss how shared leadership and mutual respect create a stronger foundation for long-term love.

Episode Timeline

00:00 | The "Claiming" Process: Why chosen family feels different than obligation.

01:03 | Defining Fictive Kin: Understanding non-biological bonding.

02:27 | Building a Village: The unique benefits of voluntary family ties.

05:02 | The Science of Safety: How these bonds lower cortisol and heal trauma.

11:34 | Healthy Boundaries: Spotting red flags like over-dependency or "learned helplessness."

19:18 | Therapy vs. Tribe: Why chosen family compliments—but doesn't replace—professional healing.

23:35 | Personal Reflections: A "Therefore, What?" look at the gift of these relationships.

How Does the Parable of the Ten Virgins Apply to Me?

In this episode, Dr. Debi Gilmore and Sharilyn Green, both marriage and family therapists, delve into the Parable of the Ten Virgins from the New Testament. They explore its implications for spiritual, emotional, and relational preparedness for the return of Jesus Christ. Sharing personal anecdotes and insights, they discuss the importance of individual efforts in building relationships with God, oneself, and others, while emphasizing the non-transactional, heart-changing nature of spiritual growth. The conversation also touches on the symbolism and cultural context of Jewish weddings at the time of Christ and highlights a new sculpture in Salt Lake City's Temple Square that visually represents the relationships discussed. They conclude by encouraging listeners to share their light and cultivate spiritual resilience in daily life.

Because it requires deeply personal work to acquire, oil cannot be shared. While this felt "unfair" as children, it makes sense through a relational lens as the oil is symbolic of personal efforts and preparations in these three relationships: with God, with others, and with ourselves.

Oil with God: Knowing God through intimate processes like repentance, experiencing grace, cultivating humility, prayer, study, worship, and personal experiences with the Atonement.

Oil with Others: Developing emotional self-regulation, awareness, maturity, safety, and healthy boundaries. Being truly present and consistent in words and actions.

Oil with Self: Gaining a deep understanding of one's true identity and inherent worth. Security in self enhances all other relationships.

Next week: What is fictive kin? Tune in to learn the benefits of chosen families!

00:00 Introduction to the Parable of the Ten Virgins

00:56 Personal Reflections on the Parable

03:34 Understanding Jewish Wedding Traditions

07:17 The Symbolism of the Oil and the Virgins

07:53 The New Sculpture on Temple Square

09:29 The Importance of Personal Preparation

17:33 Sharing Light with Others

22:48 Final Thoughts and Takeaways

Building Secure Attachment: Keys to Healthy Adult Relationships

In this episode of 'Mindful Moments: Insights to Empower the Soul,' Dr. Debi Gilmore and Sharilyn explore the fundamental principles of healthy attachment in adult committed relationships. They stress the importance of swift repair in maintaining trust, emotional safety, and deep friendship. The hosts detail the 'ARE' acronym—Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement—as a framework for building secure attachment. They also discuss the necessity of predictable behavior, emotional co-regulation, and frequent shows of appreciation and affection. This episode is packed with practical advice for both couples and individuals seeking to form stronger emotional bonds.

Key takeaways:

Conflict is inevitable: Secure attachment is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to achieve swift repair after a disagreement.

Built through effort: Secure relationships are built "moment by moment, repair by repair," requiring intention, humility, and practice.

The A-R-E Principle

Accessible: Present and non-distracted (e.g., setting down devices, making eye contact).

Responsive: Validating and listening, showing a desire for attunement.

Engaged: Staying present and showing interest even when disagreeing.

Essential Building Blocks of Secure Attachment:

Interdependence: The ideal balance is a mix of dependence and independence.

Repair: The relationship formula is Conflict + Repair = Reconnection.

Emotion Co-Regulation: Partners must learn to help calm each other’s nervous systems

No Threats: Do not use relationship-damaging tactics like threats of divorce, stonewalling, or punitive withdrawal.

In healthy relationships, both partners feel safe, seen, valued, and claimed (or cherished).

Next week: Spiritual and Emotional Counsel from the Parable of the 10 Virgins

00:00 Introduction to Relationship Wounds and Repair

00:38 Welcome to Mindful Moments Podcast

00:56 The Christmas Romance Movie Pattern

02:35 Importance of Healthy Attachment in Adult Relationships

04:01 Agenda for Today's Discussion

04:39 Understanding the A-R-E Principle

12:49 Building Trust and Emotional Safety

15:14 Interdependence in Relationships

17:46 Secure Communication Patterns

20:57 The Power of Relationship Repair

23:50 Emotion Co-Regulation and Transparency

27:05 Appreciation and Affection in Relationships

28:11 Attachment Checklist: Healthy vs. Unhealthy

30:00 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

The Art of Connecting Through Deep Communication

In this episode of 'Mindful Moments: Insights to Empower The Soul,' marriage and family therapists, Dr. Debi Gilmore and Sharilyn Green, discuss the essential skills needed for connecting communication in relationships. They emphasize the importance of honest complaining, deep listening, and validating others' feelings. The conversation highlights how mastering these skills can cultivate deeper connections, emotional safety, and mutual respect in any relationship. The hosts also provide practical tips and specific questions to foster meaningful conversations, encouraging listeners to practice vulnerability and compassion.

Key Takeaways for Deeper Connection

The path to connecting talk involves mastering three essential arts:

1. The Art of Listening (Be Present, Not Prescriptive)

Avoid the "Fix”, Practice Reflective Listening, & Embrace Compassion.

2. The Art of Complaining (Make it "Legal")

Distinguish Complaint from Criticism, Avoid Silencing Feelings, & Be Courageous:

3. The Art of Validation (Sign for the Package)

Validation is not Agreement, Acknowledge Their Value, Be There for Them.

Connecting Talk is a style of communication that requires vulnerability and leads to a richer, safer relationship. Listen in to learn just how to make that happen for you and the people closest to your heart.

NEXT WEEK: Diving into secure adult relationships, the why and the how of making it happen.

00:00 Introduction: The Unspoken Rule of Not Complaining

00:42 Welcome to Mindful Moments Podcast

01:05 The Art of Communicating for Closeness

04:04 Mastering the Art of Listening

07:59 The Importance of Reflective Listening

10:24 The Art of Complaining: Making It Okay

12:42 Understanding the Difference Between Complaining and Criticism

17:52 The Art of Validation: Acknowledging and Reinforcing Value

21:03 Practical Tips for Connecting Talk

23:52 The Positive Impact of Connecting Talk

31:10 Conclusion: The Power of Vulnerability and Compassionate Listening

Avoid Holiday Dread: Navigating Difficult Family During the Holidays

The holiday season is meant for joy, but family gatherings can sometimes bring stress and tension. Join hosts Dr. Debi Gilmore and Sharilyn Green as they share essential strategies for managing difficult family dynamics this holiday season.

This episode offers actionable advice on how to protect your peace, maintain your boundaries, and genuinely connect with loved ones without sacrificing your well-being.

🔑 A Few Key Takeaways

Set Clear Expectations: Proactively decide what you can and cannot manage before the event.

Establish Healthy Boundaries: Learn how to communicate and maintain your personal limits, especially with challenging relatives.

Take Mini Breaks: Utilize short breaks to step away, reset your emotions, and prevent overwhelm.

Focus on Connection, Not Perfection: Shift your focus from achieving an "ideal" holiday to finding meaningful moments with family.

Model Respect and Kindness: Influence the atmosphere by demonstrating the behavior you wish to see.

Plan Your Emotional Safety Net: Prepare for nurturing, post-gathering activities to recover and restore your energy.

Handling In-Laws: Learn specific strategies for couples to navigate dynamics with in-laws without causing tension.

⏳ Time Stamps

00:00 | Introduction to Mindful Moments Podcast

01:08 | Navigating Holiday Anxiety

03:07 | Setting Clear Expectations

04:28 | Establishing Healthy Boundaries

06:51 | Taking Mini Breaks to Reset

07:57 | Avoiding Conflict Traps and Uncomfortable Conversations

09:56 | Building an Emotional Safety Net (Preparation and Recovery)

11:10 | Focusing on Connection, Not Perfection

11:54 | Planning Nurturing Activities Post-Gathering

12:52 | Couples and In-Laws: Strategies for Harmony

22:05 | Final Thoughts and Takeaways

The Crisis of Faith Part 2: Doubt Can Lead to Deeper Faith

The complex journey of faith and spiritual doubt can feel overwhelming, but What if doubt is a natural part of growth and curiosity? How do you manage a spiritual crisis without eliminating doubt?

Join licensed Marriage and Family Therapists Dr. Debi Gilmore and Sharilyn Green as they explore integrating doubt into one's spiritual journey with empathy and wisdom.

✨ What We Cover in This Episode:

-Integrating Doubt and Faith: View doubt not as an enemy, but as a companion for personal growth, much like pruning a plant.

-Practical Tools for the Journey: Explore the use of meditation, prayer, and journaling to navigate uncertainty.

-The Power of Connection: Discover the importance of compassionate, non-judgmental conversations with trusted individuals and the value of community support.

-Reflecting on Experience: Learn to draw strength from your own lived experiences and past faithfulness.

-A Reciprocal Process: Understand the interplay between faith and doubt, promoting deeper spiritual connections.

🔔 Next Week!

Feeling anxious for the holidays? (and not in a good way?) Thankfully Dr. Gilmore & Green have your back! Next week's episode is all about navigating holidays with difficult families, and how you can find more enjoyment and peace during this season!

Websites: www.drdebigilmore.com, https://linktr.ee/drdebigilmore

Instagram: @the_love.therapist & @sharilyngreen

00:00 Introduction to Mindful Moments Podcast

00:50 Understanding Spiritual Doubt

02:10 Embracing Curiosity and Growth

04:01 Tools for Navigating Doubt

05:26 Connecting with Others and Lived Experiences

08:16 Stages of Faith and Personal Stories

11:28 Approaching Doubt with Faith

18:57 Reflecting on Past Faithfulness

22:14 The Reciprocal Process of Faith and Doubt

24:35 Final Thoughts and Personal Commitments

The Crisis of Faith Part 1: Navigating Faith Divergence in Marriage 

What happens when one spouse's faith changes? This sensitive and deeply personal shift can feel like an earthquake in a marriage, affecting individual identity, couple dynamics, and even your extended family.

Join licensed Marriage and Family Therapists Dr. Debi Gilmore and Sharilyn Green as they tackle this crucial topic with the empathy and wisdom it deserves.

Join us next week as Dr. Gilmore & Green focus on the individual's experience of a personal faith crisis. Subscribe so you don't miss it!

Websites: www.drdebigilmore.com, https://linktr.ee/drdebigilmore 

Instagram: @the_love.therapist & @sharilyngreen

Youtube: @DrDebiGilmore

00:00 Introduction to Faith and Relationships

00:41 The Impact of Faith Changes on Couples

01:46 Therapeutic Approaches to Faith Differences

02:15 Effective Communication Strategies

03:13 Understanding and Respecting Beliefs

05:19 Navigating Shared Values and Big Questions

07:18 Creating Shared Rituals and Boundaries

09:21 Evolving Faith and Seeking Support

12:23 Respect and Curiosity in Faith Discussions

17:55 Practical Steps for Mixed-Faith Couples

21:49 Conclusion and Final Thoughts