Welcome to What Would Denise Do — aka two gays, a bag of pretzels for tea, and the executive decision to book an entire hat-trick of fitness nightmares—including a Tough Mudder in THREE WEEKS—despite collectively having the lung capacity of a Victorian ghost.

One of us is already entirely plastered on pre-show gin, the other is trying to maintain a “butch” Morrison’s car park aura while acting like Alan Carr on crack, and somewhere out there, a client has stress-shaved exactly one eyebrow off.

The shit show includes:

• Accidental marathons and screaming at a microphone like a football commentator

• Convincing yourself you are the literal reincarnation of Beyoncé

• Getting life-altering career advice from a psychic who probably just noticed a PureGym uniform

• Swapping airline nuts for a severe case of domestic passive-aggression

• Debating whether "FM" stands for a typo or an arrestable offence

• An unhinged obsession with Four in a Bed used as clinical anxiety medication

• “Double D’s: Journey to Gdansk” officially up for negotiation

Current status: Drunk since 5:30 PM, accidentally, spiritually sponsored by Aperol Spritz, and ready to accidentally end up in a muddy ditch.