What Would Denise Do?

DARLINGS. Gather round the chaise longue because we have ASCENDED this week. We are spiritual now. We are at one with the earth, the moon, the Gregorian monks! — sounds DIVINE, doesn't it? 🕯️🌙✨

This week on the chaise: the sacred art of drunk-texting your ex - a two-part symphony, no notes, an entire seminar on names the people simply refuse to pronounce correctly, and Nigella getting the reverence she was BORN for on Bake Off. Theatrical. Unwell. Correct.

And if Prince Harry walked up to GayLinda RIGHT NOW and said "let's make a thing of this" — darling, he would ascend to a higher plane of existence on the spot. Ginger. Losing his hair. Doesn't matter. He is GONE.

Season 7, Episode 3 of What Would Denise Do has landed like a meteor, hun. Zero filter, full unravelling, because the universe demanded it. 🎙️🔮💅

Gay-Linda and Davina are back, although getting them both audible at the same time takes two hours, a dodgy microphone, a suspected feline sabotage and the emergency purchase of some new equipment.

Once the technical crisis is finally over, things improve considerably. By which we mean they get worse.

This week, Dom discovers the perils of letting your cat near expensive electronics, David discovers he can apparently carry an entire podcast while everyone else drinks, and both of them take an unnecessary trip through the television of their childhoods. There’s Crystal Maze, Art Attack, He-Man, Joan Collins, Robot Wars, Spanish Fame and several theme tunes nobody asked to hear.

Elsewhere, Dom joins an app that wants to know if he’s dry, David becomes fascinated by the possible resemblance between ice cubes and anal beads, a birthday dinner is planned with suspicious levels of wardrobe supervision, and the pair prepare for Poland while attempting to remember what day anything is happening.

There’s also an alarming amount of discussion about gonorrhoea for two men who started the evening trying to record a perfectly respectable podcast.

Featuring Alexa being told to know her place, the return of “you are live on Channel 4”, an educational investigation into why gonorrhoea is called “the clap”, and the important life advice nobody requested: live your life as if Beyoncé was watching.

Another polished and informative episode of What Would Denise Do? with Gay-Linda and Davina.

Obviously.

Darlings, the wait is OVER. Gay Linda and Davina are back on the mic after the longest summer hiatus in podcast herstory, dripping in glitter, gossip and zero filter. This episode serves it all: a GYMRACE confession with a twist, GayLinda's shock announcement of TWO marathons six days apart, a full masterclass in throwing an unforgettable hen do without remortgaging your house, and the Celebrity Traitors lineup getting the roasting it deserves. Add Alexa going rogue and a Prosecco upgrade fit for royalty, and you've got an hour of pure, sequin-coated chaos. Pull up a chair, pour something sparkly, and let the gays take you away.

⚠️ Loud, glam, and gloriously sweary throughout — this one's for the grown-ups, hun.

Welcome to What Would Denise Do — aka two gays, six seasons' worth of absolute chaos packed into one hour, and the executive decision to rebrand the entire podcast around "Gay Linda" and a severe vocabulary deficit.

One of us is so smashed by 9:00 PM that a French man named Clementine caused an immediate ADHD spiral, the other is coping with a hangover so violent that looking at a laptop screen is considered a workplace hazard, and Shakira is somewhere out there doing her Waka Waka again like nobody told her the World Cup is in America...

The shit show includes:

• Screaming "Salutations you motherfuckers!" at a table that is moving entirely too close

• Realizing that if you reduce Kerry Katona's Karaoke down to its initials, you're in a bit of a public relations crisis

• Watching Jane McDonald sing Cake by the Ocean at Mighty Hoopla while entering total homosexual nirvana

• Thinking your electrician is arriving on a Monday morning only to realize your flat is spotless for absolutely no reason

• Reforming 90s pop bands based entirely on their historical levels of festival homophobia

• Mistaking a digital handbag for a "digital ham and egg" because we are both starving and slightly orange

• A deep, existential panic about dying at age 72, which is practically next Tuesday

Current status: Highly uneducated, aggressively Northern, spiritually sponsored by "Gay Linda" and a 2-pint glass of gin and tonic.

Right, gather round babes because I need to talk to you about the most chaotic, unhinged, ICONIC podcast on the internet and I will not be taking questions.

We've got Gay Linda — yes, GAY LINDA, because somebody named her wrong and she has FORGIVEN but she has NOT forgotten — and her co-host Devina. Or Devine. Whatever darling, they're still working it out mid-episode.

These two sit down every week and cover the things that MATTER. Would you eat a perfectly formed takeaway dinner you found on the STREET? Is there active chlamydia on the tube escalator handles? What DO you do when you release the cannon from hell of a fart in a completely silent yoga class? These are the questions, babes. THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS.

There's Sainsbury's fights. There's pizza thrown into a bush at midnight in Epping. There's birthday cakes being SPAT on and people still eating them. There's men coming out of gyms so beautiful that someone is genuinely considering joining a CHURCH.

It goes everywhere, it resolves nothing, and somehow by the end you're booking a spontaneous train to Bournemouth at 11pm.

Absolutely no notes. Total disaster. Cannot stop listening.

This is What Would Denise Do — and the answer is always, always more chaotic than you expected.

Welcome to What Would Denise Do (or What Would Hyrox Do, depending on which knee is currently cracking) the podcast where absolutely nothing is planned, everything is chaotic, and two gays try to pretend they have their lives together for 45 minutes.

One of us is living our best life (despite a very sick cat and some severe lack of bodily conditioning), the other is aggressively blocking people on TikTok and both of us are ready to look like Cynthia Erivo sprinting across a finish line in October.

The shit show includes:

• Pride Month Pandering: Corporate America changing logos and a straight pub in Brighton cashing in with a literal Twister mat.

• The "Conditioning" Lie: Convinced that holding onto the towel rail just to sit on the loo is actually a high-level fitness peak.

• Denise's AI Wisdom: Ringing up our resident oracle to solve the mystery of chatterboxes at the spa and boundary-crossing psychics.

• The Bennett Family Tree: An unhinged ancestry deep dive featuring six singing sisters, 31 children, and an aunt who contracted mad cow disease.

• Hemorrhoids & Chitchat: Debating why a stranger's stressful medical history and dry anatomy is actually elite-tier spa entertainment.

• Cher's 80th: Mistaking the pop goddess's birthday for an excuse to sing "Wagon Wheel Watusi" and quoting Victoria Wood in a muddy ditch.

Current status: Completely depleted, tracking Monsieur Babington the Third in the distance, and officially ready to go shirtless in October. Peace out!

This week on What Would Denise Do: two emotionally unstable gays spiral through marathon trauma, accidental Instagram stalking, pub toilet chaos, and the life-changing decision to sign up for a Tough Mudder while half-cut on prosecco.

Gay Linda is out here running marathons fueled by spite and loudspeaker announcements, while Davina’s one accidental like away from entering witness protection. Add in rogue voice notes, pom-pom-wielding supporters, social anxiety, oversharing, and the kind of pub stories that should probably stay off the internet… and you’ve got absolute carnage.

Expect:
• accidental social media crimes
• marathon delusion
• public humiliation
• chaotic fitness journeys
• stories that get worse every five minutes
• and at least one moment that could’ve ended in arrest

It’s messy. It’s loud. It’s deeply unnecessary.
And honestly? Some of the best stories start with “this is a terrible idea.”

If you’ve ever sent a cringe text, survived a night out, stalked an ex at 2am, or made life choices based purely on vibes — this episode is for you.

Welcome to the Double D’s journey to filth x

Welcome to What Would Denise Do — aka two gays, a bag of pretzels for tea, and the executive decision to book an entire hat-trick of fitness nightmares—including a Tough Mudder in THREE WEEKS—despite collectively having the lung capacity of a Victorian ghost.

One of us is already entirely plastered on pre-show gin, the other is trying to maintain a “butch” Morrison’s car park aura while acting like Alan Carr on crack, and somewhere out there, a client has stress-shaved exactly one eyebrow off.

The shit show includes:

• Accidental marathons and screaming at a microphone like a football commentator

• Convincing yourself you are the literal reincarnation of Beyoncé

• Getting life-altering career advice from a psychic who probably just noticed a PureGym uniform

• Swapping airline nuts for a severe case of domestic passive-aggression

• Debating whether "FM" stands for a typo or an arrestable offence

• An unhinged obsession with Four in a Bed used as clinical anxiety medication

• “Double D’s: Journey to Gdansk” officially up for negotiation

Current status: Drunk since 5:30 PM, accidentally, spiritually sponsored by Aperol Spritz, and ready to accidentally end up in a muddy ditch.

Welcome to What Would Denise Do — aka two gays, one cat chewing through microphone wires, and the sudden decision to sign up for a Tough Mudder in SIX WEEKS despite collectively going to the gym about four times this year.

One of us is recording from what appears to be the 47th room of a haunted mansion, the other’s aggressively self-employed, and the cat has committed several acts of domestic terrorism before falling asleep like he pays rent.

The shit show includes:
• accidentally booking a 15K obstacle course while tipsy
• discussing miniature giraffes for ass-scratching purposes
• arguing with Google Gemini like it’s an ex-boyfriend
• Hilary Duff somehow becoming responsible for all bad decisions
• a stripper competition on a Wednesday
• emotional breakdowns over Moira Rose
• “Double D’s: Journey to Filth” officially underway

Current status:
terrified, overcommitted, slightly drunk, spiritually sponsored by Prosecco and delusion.

Welcome to another chaotic installment of What Would Denise Do?, the only podcast where a 2-hour pre-show drinking session results in zero recording and a 100-pound entry fee for a fitness race in Poland.

This week, Davina (the one who still looks 32, allegedly) and Gaylinda (the artist formerly known as Deyoncé/Tanya Baps/Dom) are falling to pieces—literally. Between Davina’s cracking knees and Gaylinda’s "international" flight to Gdansk (not Gabon, though we're still checking the equator), the vibes are high and the grip strength is questionable.

Inside the shit show this week:

• The Gaylinda Debut: Why Gaylinda is the new Glinda, and why Jack the DJ is responsible for this rebranding.

• Marathon Madness: Davina is prepping for 26.2 miles of "Rainbow Miles" and teenage cancer fundraising, while Gaylinda is prepping for the pub at Mile 16.

• The Bus Chronicles: Why you should never leave your phone unlocked on a "peasant wagon" and which apps Gaylinda is raiding first (spoiler: it’s your Nando’s points).

• The Eiffel Tower: A geometry lesson involving steeples, people, and clasping hands that you definitely didn't learn in school.

Whether you're carbing up on pretzels and corned beef or avoiding eye contact with the "fitness people" on Apple Fitness+, grab a gin and join the car crash.