Welcome to What Would Denise Do (or What Would Hyrox Do, depending on which knee is currently cracking) the podcast where absolutely nothing is planned, everything is chaotic, and two gays try to pretend they have their lives together for 45 minutes.

One of us is living our best life (despite a very sick cat and some severe lack of bodily conditioning), the other is aggressively blocking people on TikTok and both of us are ready to look like Cynthia Erivo sprinting across a finish line in October.

The shit show includes:

• Pride Month Pandering: Corporate America changing logos and a straight pub in Brighton cashing in with a literal Twister mat.

• The "Conditioning" Lie: Convinced that holding onto the towel rail just to sit on the loo is actually a high-level fitness peak.

• Denise's AI Wisdom: Ringing up our resident oracle to solve the mystery of chatterboxes at the spa and boundary-crossing psychics.

• The Bennett Family Tree: An unhinged ancestry deep dive featuring six singing sisters, 31 children, and an aunt who contracted mad cow disease.

• Hemorrhoids & Chitchat: Debating why a stranger's stressful medical history and dry anatomy is actually elite-tier spa entertainment.

• Cher's 80th: Mistaking the pop goddess's birthday for an excuse to sing "Wagon Wheel Watusi" and quoting Victoria Wood in a muddy ditch.

Current status: Completely depleted, tracking Monsieur Babington the Third in the distance, and officially ready to go shirtless in October. Peace out!