Kid A.G. (49¾) and El Pres chug Tri-City brews while mourning the death of Bird scooters and the birth of Kid's half-century crisis. Batting practice left him creaking like a 1976 Big Wheel, so naturally the convo drifts to $4800 faux-motorcycles, adult tricycles, and why pedaling a chopper when the battery dies looks dumber than a drunk toddler on a plasma car.

Then shit gets LEGENDARILY unhinged: Kid drops the Mt. Rushmore of weird vintage porn — John Holmes railing a chick on a Meijer penny horse, Ron Jeremy-era foot-fucks with exploding plaster cock-molds, and two Aqua-Netted babes double-stuffing a pussy with a 14-inch dildo WHILE mixing arts-and-crafts spackle. (Yes, he watched the entire 28-minute director's cut just to see if the mold survived round three. Spoiler: it did not.)

Meanwhile, El Pres confesses he tapes over every webcam before choke-the-chicken time because "Big Brother already has enough photos of my sad post-cup lasagna dick."

Key Quotes:

- "There is no sadder sight than a warrior cock fresh out of a jockstrap — it looks like beaten lasagna that lost a fight with a snowblower."

- "She saw me in work gloves and got wetter than a Bird scooter in the Saginaw River."

- "I could've nutted during the blowjob-plaster-mixing scene, but I had to know if the footjob made the cast explode. Science, bitch."