We've reached the end of the trail, and I'm realizing I'm never going to find what I'm looking for. 

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Music: "Deuce" by Indian Wells. "Euphoric" by Podington Bear. Narration recorded at Sweet Spot Studio. 

On motivation, self care and personal narrative storytelling. 

I've exhausted every avenue I can think of to get any sort of straight answer — every avenue except one. How do you write a letter to your estranged, dead father's wife?

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Music: "Deuce" by Indian Wells. "Glass Piano" by Podington Bear. Narration recorded at Sweet Spot Studio.

I've reached a point where I don't know where to turn next. What do you do when you realize that the only person who has the answers you’re looking for isn’t around to give them to you? Turns out, one of my close friends is going through the same thing. 

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New episodes released every first Monday of the month.

Music: "Deuce" by Indian Wells. "Quizitive" by Lee Rosevere. Narration recorded at Sweet Spot Studio. 

Grief ebbs and flows. It's not a simple step-system. First, capital-D Denial. Second, capital-A Anger. That's bullshit. You grieve not only the loss of the person, but the loss of the missed opportunities, the loss of resolution and closure. At least, that's what I grieve. My grief isn't conducive to the "Five Steps." 

One week, my half-brothers are learning about my existence and adding me on Facebook. The next week, we're meeting for the first time in a random North Carolina sports bar. Yes, it is the most awkward first date you can imagine. 

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New episodes released every first Monday of the month.

Music: "Deuce" by Indian Wells. "Mosaic" by The Plastic Jazz Orchestra. "Time Waste" by Podington Bear.  Narration recorded at Sweet Spot Studio.

Let's talk about why I didn't push my brothers to be recorded. 

When I left Akwesasne, I knew I needed to confront the one person who I had been avoiding: Mom. 

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New episodes released every first Monday of the month. Episode extras every two weeks.

Music: "Deuce" by Indian Wells. "Enjoyable to Know" by C. Scott. Narration recorded at D.C. Public Library Studio Lab.

Really. Really. Really Tough. 

In my last few days of my stay in Akwesasne, I started to realize that maybe—just maybe—this trip was about way more than just re-connecting with my Native identity.  

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New episodes released every first Monday of the month. Episode extras every two weeks. 

Music: "Deuce" by Indian Wells. "Euphoric" & "Filaments" & "Happytime" & "Light in Branches" & "Proliferate" by Podington Bear. Narration recorded at D.C. Public Library Studio Lab.

Catholicism is an important thread in the Mohawk tradition. Either you are Catholic or you're a traditionalist, or someone who goes to the Longhouse. I attended a Sunday mass while I was in Akwesasne.

In the last episode, I turned to the Akwesasne Cultural Center museum's director Sue Ellen Herne for guidance. In this episode 2 extra, you learn more about Sue Ellen's background and her upbringing in Akwesasne, specifically about her schooling. 

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New episodes released every first Monday of the month. Episode extras every two weeks. 

Music: "In a Moment" by Lee Rosevere

When I arrived in Akwesasne, I didn't know what to expect. I struggled with bouts of depression and hella anxiety— Why do I care so much? What do I do now that I'm here? 

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New episodes released every first Monday of the month. Episode extras every two weeks. 

Music: "Deuce" by Indian Wells. "Glass Piano" by Podington Bear. "Puzzle Pieces" by Lee Rosevere. Narration recorded at D.C. Public Library Studio Lab.

When I traveled to Akwesasne, I didn't have expectations or goals. I blindly went with the hope of learning something, anything. What I got was pretty remarkable. 

Reading about the origins of my Native heritage in my estranged father's obituary gave me a way to confront my relationship with him—or the lack thereof.

Special thanks to my family for letting me record them and my friends for putting up with my anxieties and being my greatest editors, and also thanks to two of my professors from UNC, Stephanie Elizondo Griest and Joy Goodwin, for helping me flesh out this idea.

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Music: "Deuce" by Indian Wells. "Rain on Glass" by Podington Bear. "Roulette" by The Plastic Jazz Orchestra. Narration recorded at Duke University's Center for Documentary Studies.