Good Night

I'm sitting here in my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room, waiting for my Lady Wonder Wench to call and tell me she's ok. Since her accident a few years ago, I get a little worried about her when the damn phone doesn't ring when I expect her call. It almost never rings while I'm sitting here. It always waits for when I'm in the shower.

The first indoor shower was invented in 1850. The telephone wasn't invented till 1875. That means if you were lucky, you could have spent 25 years in the shower without the phone ringing once.

I have the last dumb phone in my zip code. All it does is phone calls...usually while I'm taking a shower. I also have a phone so old that it actually plugs into the wall. Imagine that. No it doesn't have a crank although I've always thought that might be fun.

I saw a sign today that almost dis-connected my batteries. It said, "Senior Living - 55 +". Do they mean in dog years? My pimples were just clearing up when I was 55+. I've seen the sign before, but today for some reason I got this mental picture of a place called Senior Living. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. The guys who live there all have girlfriends who take their breath away...because they're all inflatable. And the candles on the birthday cakes are a serious cause of global warming. I don't know if you remember, but President George Bush the first visited a Senior Living place once. He went to the community room, and he walked up to one lady and introduced himself. He said, "Hello madam. My name is George Bush. Do you know who I am?" And she supposedly said, "No dear, I don't know who you are, but if you ask over there at the desk they'll probably be able to tell you."

It looks like I'm going to have to commit murder. Really. Most of you only know me as a guy who likes to sit here in my big, manly, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room, and talk with you on these podcasts. But I'm from Brooklyn, and I grew up as a pretty tough guy. Brooklyn guys are taught how to make a fist very young. I was 14 till I knew what fingers look like. Actually, I'm not going to kill that big guy myself, my Lady Wonder Wench make me farm the job out. I hired a guy with a flat nose, cauliflower ears, and a chewed off shot gun. When you look deeply into his eyes, you can see the back of his head. He was with the FBI. They caught him in Texas.

I enjoy sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room. Lots of guys get up early in the morning to go for a good brisk run. I like to get up early too...sometimes in the middle of the night...and I go for a good brisk sit.

Now, the smart guys in the white lab coats are telling us that sitting is the new smoking. If you sit down too long, you'll die young. Ha. Too late now. I didn't die young. I always did my pushups, when I was young, and rode my bike and played ball, and did lots of swimming and stuff. Now I like sitting. And eating.

Eating helps the farmers. It's an escape from the pressures of starvation. It wards off dizzy spells. And the best way to enjoy a meal is...sitting down. So I say, sit. Eat. Enjoy.

I'm happy. I guess it's true that things always change, and Big Louie always says that happiness cannot buy you money, but right now I don't care because it feels so good sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room. Happy is good. And I'm a happy guy just sitting here. Of course in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, Big Louie also says "Don't let getting older get you down, because it's too hard to get back up." I can get back up. I'm pretty sure...but why change what feels so good? On the other hand...besides fingers...I've seen as a Louie Louie Generation guy, that the only constant in life is change...except from a soda machine. And it's true. Stuff is always changing.

Simple is good. Big Louie has come up with a simple answer to which side we should back in the middle-east. He says, "We should sell guns, rockets, tanks, jet fighters and nuclear bombs only to factions that promise to use them for peaceful purposes." Big Louie has such a way of explaining life's big questions simply and accurately.

For example, here's Big Louie's Ten Tips for what Eternity feels like:

#10 - Waiting for the stoplight to change when you've spotted a parking spot right across the intersection.

#9- The second hour of a Monopoly game.

#8- House breaking a new puppy.

#7- Looking for a freeway exit when you realize you're going in the wrong direction.

#6 - Keeping a smile on your face waiting for the shutter to click.

#5- Waiting for a tow truck to show up.

#4- Listening for the sound of a key in the lock at 2 AM.

#3- Waiting for the results of a pregnancy test.

#2- 20 minutes of aerobic exercise.

#1- Trying to find a six cents error in your checking account.

All simple insights into how eternity feels courtesy of Big Louie. To find out more of what Big Louie says, check out my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. (available at Amazon.com)

I'm getting comfortable here in my big, black, manly, comfortable poppa chair in my living room, after a short but expensive flight in my little airplane. I had to get some navigation equipment fixed. Having good navigation equipment makes for having a bad checking account. But having bad navigation equipment means your girlfriend probably won't join the mile high club.

For those of you who are not familiar with the complex technicalities of airplanes, the mile high club has to do with sex at 5,200 feet...a mile high. And as Big Louie says in my book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, "Sex is an affordable gift for the man who has everything, even a small airplane. It's a valid way to make the earth move without having to use a shovel. It can turn a bad day into a good night."

Some people think Big Louie his own bad self is old fashioned, just because he likes some of the old ways. He likes to remember fondly when they used to rub mustard plaster on you to stop coughs, and then friends would come over to dip their hot dogs on your chest. It was so friendly. He does like some of the old ways because he understands and respects people who have been around for a while. Those are our folks. The Louie Louie Generation. As he says in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, "Sex at 70 is more beautiful than ever, but it's really better to pull over and park." Lots of folks think it's strange that Louie puts people in their 70s in the same sentence as the word sex. To those people Big Louie takes a big healthy bite out of a raw onion and says, "Ha!"

I just got another email from that guy in Niger who wants to send me the inheritance from my long lost uncle who just died and left him as executor of his will, and all I have to do is send him my bank numbers and social security ID. So I'm sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room trying to figure out how come anybody would trust that guy. And that started me thinking that for a guy from Brooklyn, I'm a fairly trusting guy, and tonight I'm going to explain why I'm kind of a trusting guy. I like Big Louie's viewpoint that's in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. Big Louie always says, "You never can tell when something wonderful is going to happen." Wonderful things I didn't expect have happened to me over and over in my life. I even did a spoken word CD about it called, "Love Comes When You Least Expect It." Those are a couple of shameless plugs, but they're also how I really feel about life.

In a shocking revelation that was just made clear to me by an embarrassingly thin royalty check, there are many people who have not gone to Amazon dot com to acquire a copy of my book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. Subtitled, "We're the brand new Louie Louie Generation." Which is a shameless plug. But it also means some of you may not understand what the Louie Louie Generation is all about. So let me fill in this disastrous gap in your understandings about life.

Unlike "Generation X" or "The Baby Boom Generation", there are no age limits to the Louie Louie Generation. You are a member of the "Louie-Louie" generation if you can pass these two tests: #1 is "Louie-Louie" a song that has been playing somewhere in the back of your head since you first heard it? #2 Is getting stuff done and having some fun more important to you than sticking nails through your tongue like the Pimple People, or sitting in a rocking chair drooling, drinking beer, and watching daytime TV like the Dreary Drones? More about the Pimple People and the Dreary Drones a little later. As Big Louie, his own bad self says in my book, "Most Louie Louie Generation Lads and Ladies don't have rock hard abs and perky breasts any more, but we certainly have no intention of letting ourselves turn into hunks of luke warm meat."