Good Night

I am sitting here in utter confusion. Actually, I'm sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather pappa chair in my living room...but I can't figure this out. I call this podcast Goodnight, because I thought some folks might like a few comfortable stories and a little fun just before they go to sleep.

Confusion not only reigns, it pours. Because I just looked at the computer counter for this Goodnight podcast, and what time do you think most people listen to this podcast? Right. 8 AM. How did you figure that out? Maybe you're one of the people who does that. Is it because from the perspective of midnight, 8AM is very late... and you just like to stay up very, very late?

You've got to work with what you've got. So when you hear my Lady Wonder Wench's new TV commercial, remember that's only her, "What-is-the-matter-with-you" voice when she's saying, "Is there anybody there ?" That one voice does not describe what type of woman she is. She is not a type. She is a person.

She has lots of other voices. Her "mommy" voice, her "Honey do" voice, her "Dealing with the telemarketer" voice. And of course her "I'm your girlfriend voice." BUT...unfortunately for you, although I am not the jealous husband, killer, stomp on you type...because I am also a person...not a type...but sorry folks...you're going to have to work with what you've got. And you are not going to hear her "I am your girlfriend" voice. Because, that's what I've got to work with.

Big Louie, his own bad self, The Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation, always says, "You're never too old to make out as long as you have any moving parts left." The Pimple People don't understand that. They would pop their piercings if they had any idea how nicely Louie-Louie Generation Lads and Ladies can still move our remaining movable parts. They also don't understand aural sex. Words.Warm, wonderful, words.

So what do you think. Should I go boldly bald like an eagle, or just get another $20 haircut? If I went shiny top, I could draw a little smiley face on the back of my head, and every time I tipped my hat, people would laugh behind my back. And think of the expanded zone for backrubs. Let me know what you think.

Winter is God's way of saying, "Up yours." The sun didn't come out all day today. Can't blame it. It was way too cold. I walked outside to get the mail a little while ago, with my cup in my hand, and by the time I got back inside, I was enjoying a chunk of coffee.

You could freeze an egg on the sidewalk. That might be why hens were seen laying eggs from a standing position today. People with high fevers were renting themselves out as car seat warmers. Instead of saying "Have a nice day," courteous supermarket checkouts were saying, "I hope you go to hell." Flashers were just describing themselves. Priests all over the arch diocese couldn't get their cars started, because darn and drat weren't powerful enough encouragement words.

A little while ago, while I was putting a log on the fire, I noticed a little tiny frozen brown spot. The fire hit it just now and it went pop...and for just a moment, it stank something awful. It was probably a little tiny frozen squirrel fart. I'm sorry...flatulence. Can't be too careful...the forces for good in the community will tie a knot in my microphone cord, and I'll never be heard from again.

Toys are more important than you think. They help protect us from the big, bad, boredom bully. A toy is a just for having fun. Having fun is good. And people who have fun, are usually fun to be around. They are never boring, because they never get bored. That's important.

Boredom is a big bully. It beats people up more than YOU can possibly imagine... because the kind of people who listen to this podcast...may have lots of problems...but boredom...probably isn't one of them.

Now there is a clear distinction between a tool and a toy. A tool is something you need. A toy is something you want, so you pretend it's a tool to give you an excuse to get it. A toy is not something you're going to just show off...like a 20 pound gold plated cufflink. That kind of thing is not a toy. I'd call it more of an ego expander.

When Lady Wonder Wench says, "I'm sorry," she means "You're going to be sorry." That's bad enough. When she says, "How much do you love me," I know that means she did something that I'm not going to like. I remember when she said, "This kitchen floor is hard to clean," I realized she meant she wanted a new house. I had a woman once say to me, "Can't we just be friends?" And I knew she meant there was no way she was going to let any part of my body touch any part of her body again. All those things, I could understand, and deal with in my own Louie-Louie Gentlemanly way. But you guys know...when you ask a woman, "What's wrong," and she says..."Nothing"...something is really wrong.

My life has always had an odd shape...like a piece in a jigsaw puzzle. It sometimes takes sudden zig-zag turns when I least expect it. I like it that way. I'm never bored. And every time my life zigs, I can depend that my Lady Wonder Wench will be "The One" to help me make it through the next zag. I'm not a religious guy. But sometimes, when I think about that, I have to take a quick deep breath, and when I exhale, something comes out that sounds a lot like a very quiet..."Thank You."

This podcast has kind of an odd shape too. It's mostly for fun, and to enjoy a conversation with some good people...you few, you mighty, you proud, podcast, participants. It's like I am the mouth, and you are the ear. But sometimes that gets turned around. Sometimes, like tonight, it's you who bring up some industrial strength questions. Like...what happens when you think you've found, "The One," and she or he...walks out of your life. Can you ever get over that? And maybe most important, will you ever be able to trust enough...to take a chance...that someone else might really be..."The One."

Like most Louie-Louie Generation guys, I am somewhat maturity challenged. And like most Louie-Louie Ladies, my Lady Wonder Wench doesn't understand how a grown man can fall on his side on the floor, and kick his legs with milk spurting out of his nose when he hears a wonderful joke. That's when she gives me the Louie-Louie Lady Cower-Power look. This podcast is about developing a Louie-Louie Lad Look, that will even the score.

Happy 2011

A new page. A new calendar. Another time to tackle, "Firsts." How many "Firsts" do you remember ? Your first job? Your first kiss? There are a bunch of firsts that I remember in this podcast. And there's one very special gift to start your new year. If you've been listening to the Good Night podcasts for a while, you'll realize how special that gift is. Happy New Year.