Here is a truth that is so hard to comprehend and internalize: we are free from the Law, free from the spiritual consequences of sin and free from eternal death. Oh, in our humanness there is a tendency to want to go back to what we have known, even though it is a yoke of slavery, burdensome and exhausting. This is the inevitable debilitating failure of striving through self-effort. We are told to stand firm against that. Jesus wants us to experience and enjoy our freedom in him. This is what he has for us because of what he has lovingly done on our behalf. Nothing we can do beyond accepting his love will cause him to love us more, make us more righteous, bring us closer to him, ensure our eternal life--nothing. He did it all and it is enough.

During my time in my original church I twisted verses and their meanings into verbal and contextual pretzels to make them say what the teaching of the church was. My desire to be intellectually honest chipped away at much of the teachings. Finally, only a very few teaching remained but they were really being held on to for the sake of not completely letting go of the church. Finally, when my struggle of trying to blend the gospel of grace with the remaining law became obviously futile, I had to make the hard decision to leave.

So, when our acquaintance from our former denomination discovered we were no longer part of it, her reaction was very understandable. Paula and I were heavily invested in the church growing up and people could reasonably expect we would never leave, especially for theological reasons. While it may have seemed sudden to some, it was a many years’ long journey. Here’s a sketch of how it happened.

We all have significant questions for which we seek reasonable answers. Is there a God? If so, what is God like? What does God have to do with me? Where/how do we find answers to these and more similar questions?

Getting together around the campfire in the evening was usually a time of singing and listening to someone speak about life and God. Some of these times were good contemplative opportunities to think about who I was and why I was here--the big questions we can’t help but encounter as we’re growing up. Other times were not so peaceful. Like sitting through a miserable talk that was a judgmental, guilt-inducing manipulation of the heart. Looking back, it seemed a bit like spiritual abuse. The idea in both cases was to help us behave like perfect, mistake-free kids who would make our parents, our church and, of course, God very proud.

Sometimes he would reference the OT law to explain what the spirit of the law was. Like in the Sermon on the Mount. That was even harder to hear--it was tough enough to try to keep all of the law perfectly in practice and then Jesus would take it to the intended level--the spirit of the law. The point in all of his teaching was to set up his main message: God has some really good news. Because of his great love, God would extend grace toward his human creation. He was providing a way for them to have an eternal love relationship with him and each other.

Wow. Just wow. What a moment! This is heart-pounding kind of stuff. They had been taught that a Messiah would come. They knew this scripture was a prophecy of that promise. Here he was, right in front of them, claiming it for himself. That takes some on-the-spot heavy-duty processing.

The way the dots of scripture and logic were connected said a lot about the person doing the connecting. Some were like a true journalist who tried to let the evidence take them wherever it would and that conclusion was the truth. Others were more of the agenda journalist variety and seemed to have a desired outcome that shaped their informational journey.

Often the starting premise was faulty. But blindness of it prevailed since it wasn’t even noticed by any of those participating in the discussion. The same assumptions could be naively made by all because, well, we grew up with them and didn’t even realize the assumptions even existed, let alone were faulty.

Growing up in our church we sang a lot of guilt-inducing songs. I especially remember those about work and working. One song was called To the Work. Another was Work For the Night Is Coming. I don’t know the author’s intent in those songs, but I know they were used to shame and guilt us into doing more of whatever the leadership thought was needed. While they referenced evangelism or good deeds, they certainly didn’t convey the New Testament message of resting in the grace and freedom Jesus provides.

But what about the inside--the deepest core of us where our being is most intensely personal? Where we search for significance and meaning to our existence? How do we deal with the negative experiences there? Especially when there is no one else who can duplicate the personal me?

So finally I just had enough and I realized you have to go one way or the other because you're talking about this in your mind and focusing and ruminating on this over and over and over and over. There's nothing new going on here.