Grits to Glitz

PAR-TAY!!!! Right? Well, right? Like, y'know, like people do in, like, Las Vegas? Where Amy lives? But this time, the lights are going to go out where Bay lives, the band of totality of the Great American Eclipse on August 21st! But Amy's still gonna party. With friends. Who drop by Las Vegas. Because it's a vacation destination. (Dammit!) We're fine, Amy's fine, Bruce is fine, and we love looking up old baby items because our mommy tried to kill us with the 1960's versions of "car seats," dammit! Speaking of Mommy Dearest - did we ever tell you how we shielded each other from her wrath? No? Well, then this episode is the one for you! Call us! 44-222-96269! - Eclipse maps! - Genetic testing! - Key Largo resort! - Tenn Tech! - Chandelier Bar! - Stuff we sorta remember from our infant years!

Time for a Grits to Glitz trip report! Bay went to the mountains and stayed in Amy's cabin, and she has a lot to say about it. Wilderness! Wild animals! Stupid people! Tubing! Nice people! People with sticks! Torrential rain doesn't mix with onion rings! And for heaven's sake, if you say the car is unlocked, MAKE SURE THE DAMN CAR IS UNLOCKED!!! Other than that, we've got mini health reports (we're fine!) and we love The New Yorker's punctuation sexiness. Write to us! [email protected]!

• Caffeine!
• Communion!
• Cubs!
• Tubes! (Couldn't come up with a C-word for tubing, sorry.)
• Commas!

Cars, cancer, kidney stones, cats, cosmetics, a cacaphony of cookery criticism, and tubing. One of these things is not like the others! Sigh. Such a typical Grits to Glitz kind of Independence Day! Call us -- 44-222-96269!

• Amy's Lincoln is so polite!
• Bay lusts for a totally different kind of car!
• It's not the c word; it's atypical ductal hyperplasia!
• Kidney stones can make you feel like you need to go!
• Lips By Amy!
• Cracker Barrel on steroids (especially the prices)!
• Whist, Stove & Spirits seems awfully nice!
• Toodle on a tube in Townsend, TN!

Yes! Bay and Amy are back, and all they can talk about is fostering stuff. (Although, really, they should concentrate on fomenting change.) Amy's got a strange dog in the house! Welcome, Bruce! Bay's buying what Amy's selling: Lipsense lipstick! Write to us at [email protected]!

• French Bulldog Rescue Network
• Petfinder's Before You Foster
• Buy lipstick from Amy!

It's kind of a sad show, folks, because we had to say goodbye to Amy's French bulldog Lana. But it's also kind of a fun show, because then we talked about how Woodrow went to Las Vegas and Amy painted a picture and Bay remembered the recipe for Harvey Wallbangers. Grab a bottle of Galliano and join us! Leave us voice mail at 44-222-96269!

• DO NOT look at the adorable dogs who need homes from the French Bulldog Rescue Network!
• DO NOT buy retro liqueurs from tiny tots! Get real Galliano from real grown-ups.
• DO NOT skip Paint Nite if it means getting to drink'n'paint with Amy!
• DO NOT go to the Eiffel Tower Restaurant without Bay... EVER AGAIN!

How much worse is it that Bay *should* have had this thought for Episode 316?! This is an overdue episode and a weird one, since Amy's had wonderful Satyrsphere company, and Bay went to a commencement ceremony for a community college in a community that is, shall we say, somewhat Trumpy in flavor? And Amy has some sad news, but we're staying upbeat and hopeful! Then Bay gets all judgmental in the name of Vocabulary Vixen (but seriously, she will smack you), and Amy totally flirted with that cute tasteful guy at the David Sedaris concert. Write to us at [email protected]!!!! LInky party:

• Listen to the Satyrsphere!
• Learn at UNLV!
• Warble "Blue Moon of Kentucky"!
• Wish Lana luck and longevity!
• What hockeys in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas!

What's wrong with this ice bucket?

Nothing! Nothing is wrong with Amy's ice bucket!!! But, my goodness, it took a while to get to that point. Do you love your refrigerator? Amy might need some recommendations... someday... Anyway! Bay's cat is still an attention whore, and the French Bulldog Rescue Network surely has devoted volunteers! Bay, despite being 17 years old, just celebrated a major anniversary. Amy's car needs washing almost as much as Bay's does, and we're obsessed with the S-town podcast. How 'bout you? Call us! 44-222-96269!

• How to fix an ice bucket!
• Emilia rustic Italian restaurant!
• Help the Frenchies by bidding on stuff!
• Pooch-friendly Crowne Plaza Knoxville!
• Wash your car!
• S-town podcast!

Amy and Bay are together in tiny Townsend, Tennessee, and It's A Real HOOT!!! Get it? Hoot? We heard hootie owls? GET IT? OK, yes, we may have been drinking at the time. We pulled a Harper Valley PTA at an HOA meeting, and then we went shopping for shoes, and we got pedicures, and we had lunch, and we rode an alpine coaster, and it was the best best-friends-and-booze bonanza in the boonies we could have ever asked for! If you go to Cades Cove, you must dine at the Burger Master. No excuses! Write to us and tell us your best hootie owl story. [email protected] or [email protected] or [email protected]!!!

• Crocs sandals aren't as ugly as the Crocs clogs!
• Seriously, China Glaze should give us free stuff as much as we shill for 'em: In Awe of Amber is gorgeous!
• Little cabin in the woods! (Amy's cabin is for rent, y'all!)
• Delicious drive-in dining at the Burger Master (meister burger...)
• Smoky Mountain Alpine Coaster is totally worth the time!
• Is this microblading thing a scary eyebrow grooming procedure, or is it cool?
• Barred owls are so cool, they showed up to our private party. (Scroll down for sound links!)

Sugar, would you like some coffee?

This week's show is super Southern, thanks to an email from a dear listener! Do you subscribe to any magazines? Let us know at 44-222-96269! Someone tell the Satyr that Bay needs remedial lessons, too, OK?

• Southern Living has a style section, y'all!
• Tell Trump to take a hike - subscribe to Vanity Fair!
• The B52's are awesome!
• World's first ATM!
• Cheetos tongue-coloring cheez balls from 2009! (Even they were orange, though!)

Oh, if only we could read calendars! Well, we're podcasters, not weathermen. The Vocabulary Vixen is back, and we like movies and protesting and voice mail and all kinds of stuff. Listen to podcasts! Write to us at [email protected]!!!

• The Allusionist podcast makes the Vocabulary Vixen very happy!
• "La La Land" had nifty dance homages!
• The Big Listen is a podcast about podcasts!
• Visit Anaheim like Amy!
• Join an Indivisible group and protest like Bay!