Presented by DTB Clothing (until FanDuel finally answers our DMs). Last week’s parlay? Yeah… we’re pretending that never happened. New week, fresh lies confidence.

South Carolina +9.5 (Turtle’s buying it to +10 because he’s rich and scared)

Colorado −13.5 vs. Wyoming (Coach Prime, new QB, still vibes)

Bowling Green–Louisville OVER 51.5 (points are cheaper than rent)

Oklahoma −6.5 vs. Auburn (Boomer Sooner, sorry War Eagle/Tiger/IdentityCrisis)

💰 Approx odds: ~13:1. Hammer responsibly. Or irresponsibly. Your call.

Chiefs −5.5 (0–3? Not on our watch.)

Mahomes OVER 232.5 pass yds (carving pumpkins and the Giants)

Steelers–Patriots UNDER 44.5 (two great defenses, two sad offenses)

Cowboys +1.5 vs. Bears (Brandon Aubrey = America’s Kicker)

💰 Approx odds: ~10:1. If this hits, we’re buying matching chain wallets and a fog machine.

Ohio State (unanimous)

Oregon

Miami

LSU

Penn State

Georgia (yeah, we said it)

Oklahoma

Florida State

Illinois

Texas A&M

The Wizard heating up.

Turtle knows ball.

Nick’s Wheel: 3–12 (legally a hate crime against parlays).

Damien: 6–9… nice.

Tommy: 5–5 but still somehow last because math is a social construct.

The boys roast last week’s tickets, overreact to two games, and proclaim “This is the week” at least six times.

Live debate: is buying a half-point a power move or fear tax?

Side quests: polygamy jokes for Utah picks, Burrow’s health, and why Brandon Aubrey should get MVP votes.

Tap in, tail or fade, and post your tickets. If we hit, we’re insufferable. If we miss… the Wheel made us do it.