Gus Cairns was diagnosed with HIV in 1985 at age 29, having met the love of his life, Paul, who was already positive. An Oxford graduate drifting through London's gay scene, Gus wanted to share Paul's status, believing it meant they could have unprotected sex without consequences. What followed was a devastating education in AIDS as Paul slowly died over four and a half years, succumbing in January 1990 after insisting on showing Princess Diana his Kaposi's sarcoma lesions to reveal "what it was like."

Gus's own journey through near-death experiences, alternative therapies, and the transformative arrival of combination therapy in the mid-1990s illustrates the psychological complexity of surviving when so many friends died. His story captures the "Lazarus effect" - the unexpected challenge of learning to live again after preparing for death - whilst highlighting how trauma can be transformed into purpose.

Now 69 and a respected HIV educator, Gus reflects on 40 years of living with HIV with the wisdom of someone who has witnessed history and emerged determined to teach its lessons, particularly that "you can't moralise your way out of an epidemic."

Timestamped Takeaways

03:01 - Meeting Paul: "The reaction to Paul was summed up... 'why are you going out with that maniac?'"

06:51 - Sexual history: "If you're shagging around on the gay scene in the early 80s... I was quite good looking and I was horny."

08:40 - Seroconversion symptoms: "A clutch of very severe mouth ulcers... a classic, clear seroconversion symptom of HIV."

09:15 - Wanting to be positive: "I was so besotted by him that I actually wanted to be positive, too."

10:04 - Testing refusal: "They wouldn't give me an HIV test because the Ethics committee had decided it was essentially a death sentence."

12:46 - Princess Diana visit: "He said, I want them to see what it was like."

17:00 - Paul's final days: "He said, I want to go to the loo... That was his last moment of consciousness."

19:42 - Death certificate insistence: "Absolutely insisting that AIDS was recorded on his death certificate."

21:04 - AZT trial experience: "I lasted six weeks and then I said, I'm not taking this anymore."

23:08 - Survival mentality: "I was looking for a kind of survivor's mentality... split myself into two systems of belief."

24:12 - 1995 breakthrough: "Reading the report... seeing the virus load disappear in his subjects."

25:13 - Scientific turning point: "Right, I want these drugs."

26:37 - Survivor's depression: "I didn't realise I was terribly depressed... I didn't know how to cope with surviving."

28:37 - Wartime mentality: "People were dying left, right and centre all around you."

29:47 - Sexual behaviour change: "I'd taken an unconscious decision that I did not want to... inject HIV into somebody else."

32:26 - Current global concerns: "Trump cutting... all the assistance to Africa."

35:04 - War and inhibition: "In wartime people lose their inhibitions."

37:38 - Key lesson: "One of those lessons is that you can't moralise your way out of an epidemic."

41:03 - Remembering Paul: "He taught me the power of defiance and the power of absolutely standing up for yourself."

42:58 - Final wisdom: "Survival is the best revenge... don't let the anger and the stress get to you."

Links:

• Other work from Producer Dan Hall.
• Positively UK - A peer-led organisation offering support and advice for people living with HIV, including women, youth, and migrants.
• The Love Tank - An organisation focusing on wellbeing of queer communities, especially Black and brown people, through projects like PrEPster and The Grass Is Always Grindr.
• Positive East - London-based support centre offering HIV testing, counselling, community outreach, and health services.
• PrEPster - Community-led PrEP (HIV prevention pill) education project. Offers clear and inclusive info for diverse audiences across the UK.
• National AIDS Trust - A UK policy and campaigning organisation dedicated to ending HIV stigma and promoting effective HIV policies.
• aidsmap - A trusted source for up-to-date, evidence-based information on HIV. Great for learning about treatment, living with HIV, and current research.
• Terrence Higgins Trust - The UK’s leading HIV and sexual health charity. Offers support, testing info, prevention resources (PrEP), and education materials.
• In the Key of Q - Podcast celebrating Queer musicians and their stories, also produced by Dan Hall.