This week, Jiayang had to get a lot off his chest. His transfer in Solanke accumulated a grand total of 0.11 xGI in a four-goal demolition of West Ham, Calvert-Lewin and Eze continued to contend for the coveted title of Biggest Twat in his team, and his captain Haaland decided to do his best Colorado River impression by extending his dry run for yet another gameweek. Dilemma Deliberations-wise, we begin by focusing on Arsenal’s and Aston Villa’s poor upcoming fixtures (“well-endowed on the y-axis and challenged on the x-axis,” as one might say). Then, we turn our attention towards the bigger-picture question of whether or not we ought to listen to our guts—though perhaps the answer depends on whether or not our gut microbiomes are healthy and well-balanced. And finally, despite Haaland’s three successive blanks, it seems like he simply MUST be our captain for GW 9—but what if our guts are leading us towards Mbeumo against Ipswich at home? These are the questions…

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