Happy Polydays

Marjani Lane (@marjanilane) is one of the most well-known Black polyamorous educators and is a hugely important voice in the community when it comes to pro-Black polyamorous activism. To round off this season, we discuss Marjani’s life as a queer, disabled polyamorist, as well as several controversial, hard-hitting issues in the Black polyamorous and polygamous communities:

- why Marjani believes that people can be polyamorous cheaters, and that solo polyamory is a life philosophy rather than a specific lifestyle

- how Marjani’s physical disabilities and diagnoses of ASPD and OCPD affect how they practice polyamory

- The distinction between fluid bonding and fluid exchange, and how some Black polyamorists do not feel that mainstream polyamory terms were made for them or with them in mind

- How the Black community’s idea of polygyny and the goal of “building an empire” to “save” the Black community ultimately tie back to white supremacy, misogynoir and a struggle with identity and acceptance

- Queerphobia and ableism in the polyamorous community, and how the idea of “usefulness” serves a pro-capitalist, pro-natalist agenda that comes at the expense of the marginalised

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

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Leanne (@polyphiliablog): Instagram | Facebook | Tiktok | Twitter | Youtube | Patreon | Website | Shop

Marjani (@marjanilane): Instagram | Clubhouse | Tiktok | Facebook | Website

CW: emotional abuse, eating disorders

In this harrowing, vulnerable episode, Morgan of @chillpolyamory shares her experiences in a cult from the age of 15-21, how she left and unpacked all the internalised shame and guilt around her sexuality, and went on to embrace an open, polyamorous life. We discuss:

 - the parallels between high-control groups and certain oppressive religions, and the harm that causes to one's psyche

 - how content creation has enabled Morgan to deal with her trigger around public humiliation head-on

 - how kink has been a healing way for Morgan to safely and temporarily give up control (and why a 24/7 dynamic is not for her!)

 - a surprisingly positive parallel between cults and the polyamorous community?

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

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Leanne (@polyphiliablog): Instagram | Facebook | Tiktok | Twitter | Youtube | Patreon | Website | Shop

Morgan (@chillpolyamory): Instagram | Patreon | Website

Abuse happens in all kinds of relationships, and non-monogamous people are no different. Claire from @polypages and I discuss:

- The Duluth Model of the power and control wheel as applied to abusive polyamorous dynamics

- Whether the book More Than Two by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux should still be recommended as a polyamory introductory text

- Why toxic positivity culture is harmful and does a disservice to the polyamorous community

- Why non-monogamous people are more susceptible to abusive dynamics due to the lack of societal support available and toxic behaviours being brushed under the carpet as "jealousy issues to work through"

- How Claire arrived at solo polyamory as the best fit for her life

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

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Leanne (@polyphiliablog): Instagram | Facebook | Tiktok | Twitter | Youtube | Patreon | Website | Shop

Claire (@polypages): Instagram | Tiktok | Twitter | Website | Polyamory Day Event

Michelle Hy's polyamory advocacy work (@polyamorouswhileasian) on the political intersection between relationships and race, sex positivity, and body neutrality is well known to many. In this episode we discuss:

- Michelle's very sudden introduction to polyamory at 18 years old

- Misconceptions in mainstream polyamorous narratives

- Handling boundaries and expectations with Asian parents

- Why my mother is less accepting of my bisexuality than my cousin's lesbianism

- Handling fetishisation of Asianness in dating, and where we draw the line between attraction and exoticisation

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

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Leanne (@polyphiliablog): Instagram | Facebook | Tiktok | Twitter | Youtube | Patreon | Website | Shop

Michelle (@polyamorouswhileasian): Instagram | Website

What do purity culture and mononormativity have in common? I speak with @puritytopolyamory as she shares her fascinating story of moving from the oppressive Evangelical Christian religion to solo polyamory. We discuss:

- How purity culture is rape culture, and why it is particularly damaging to people socialised as women

- Why the many changes that occur in the opening up process lead to so many previously monogamous relationships failing at no fault of their own

- How Christianity and polyamory can be reconciled, but not purity culture and polyamory

- Why both of us no longer identify as demisexual

and much more.

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Leanne (@polyphiliablog): Instagram | Facebook | Tiktok | Twitter | Youtube | Patreon | Website | Shop

PTP (@puritytopolyamory): Instagram | Twitter | Podcast

How is polyamory influencing current and future generations under late-stage capitalism? Join myself and Nayeli (@antimononormative), who are both Gen Z, and younger millennial Sky (@femmmeow) as we talk about how modern monogamy is influenced by the commodification of intimacy under capitalism, colonialism and heteropatriarchical forces. We discuss:

- Sky's upbringing in the Scientology cult and how her embracing her queerness led her to question monogamy and relationships

- Nayeli's radical abolitionist stances on basically everything, and her coining and explaining the terms "late-stage mononormativity" and "mononormativity reformist"

- How the rise of non-monogamy was directly caused by the COVID-19 pandemic, and was not a coincidence!

- How we are all absolute stans of Esther Perel and her work

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

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Leanne (@polyphiliablog): Instagram | Facebook | Tiktok | Twitter | Youtube | Patreon | Website | Shop

Nayeli (@antimononormative): Instagram | Tiktok | Twitter

Skylar (@femmmeow): Instagram | Twitter | Tiktok | Website

How do polyamorous, neurodivergent people flirt? Albert from @polymananswers and I discuss the difference between (and success rates of) consent-based, directly communicated flirting methods and those utilised by "pickup artists" in mainstream media (which are often built on a foundation of deception and manipulation). We also discuss:

- Albert's experiences growing up in a polygamous Hmong household with 2 mothers and a father

- How neurotypical people can support their neurodivergent partners from a trauma-informed perspective

- I read out some chats with my matches on my favourite dating app, Feeld!

- How to manage dopamine-chasing impulses with ADHD and managing the high of New Relationship Energy

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

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Leanne (@polyphiliablog): Instagram | Facebook | Tiktok | Twitter | Youtube | Patreon | Website | Shop

Albert (@polymananswers): Instagram

Compersion, the feeling of joy/happiness at seeing your partner with other people, is often touted as the Holy Grail of polyamory: a milestone you reach once you have achieved complete security within yourself, fully embracing the abundance mindset, and having a complete lack of jealousy. In reality, it's a lot more complicated than that. In this episode, Flo (@lifewflo), Alexa (@polyamoryinpractice) and I discuss:

- deconstructing the binary of compersion/jealousy

- queering the timeline from high jealousy to high compersion on one's polyamorous journey

- our different experiences of compersion and how it is a mixed bag of feelings rather than a sensation of pure joy

- how to navigate different experiences of compersion and jealousy with partners and metamours

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

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Leanne (@polyphiliablog): Instagram | Facebook | Tiktok | Twitter | Youtube | Patreon | Website | Shop

Alexa (@polyamoryinpractice): Instagram

Flo (@lifewflo): Instagram | Facebook | Tiktok

Polyamory challenges traditional love and many societal norms, but one aspect that is not often talked about is how it can be a tool for anti-capitalist revolutionary change. Roy (@openrelating) is a polyamorous personal coach who specialises in helping people of all relationship orientations discover and design their own unique, authentic, conscious and intentional relationships. Together we discuss:

- Roy's journey to polyamory and, in particular, his story as a victim of abuse by a female partner in his first non-monogamous relationship

- How polyamorous people face unique challenges when they are in toxic non-monogamous dynamics when it comes to seeking support or recognising the red flags in the first place

- How polyamory challenged Roy's toxic masculine beliefs as a man who grew up in militarised Israel

- How polyamory can be used as a tool for building community, challenging the nuclear family, combating materialism, competitiveness and scarcity that is taught by capitalism

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

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Leanne (@polyphiliablog): Instagram | Facebook | Tiktok | Twitter | Youtube | Patreon | Website | Shop

Roy (@openrelating): Instagram | Twitter | Website

A big part of polyamory is challenging one's core beliefs and insecurities, and one big thing polyamorous men struggle with is toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity is a specific set of expectations and attitudes associated with men that have a negative impact on men's psyche as well as society as a whole, such as aggressive competitiveness and machismo, entitlement to and ownership of women's bodies, tying one's self-worth as a man to sexual performance, and so on. Today I speak with Chad (@polyamfam) about his unique experience and early struggles as a polyamorous man, and we hope that his story will help other men (and the people who date men) on their polyamorous journeys. We discuss:

- How to deal with competitiveness with other men, feeling like you "own" your girlfriend/wife, and tying one's self-worth to sex

- Dating struggles unique to polyamorous men and women, how to avoid comparisons with your female partner(s) on your respective dating lives, and possible reasons why women don't respond on dating apps

- How to introduce two male partners to each other in the least awkward way possible

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

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Leanne (@polyphiliablog): Instagram | Facebook | Tiktok | Twitter | Youtube | Patreon | Website | Shop

Chad (@polyamfam): Instagram | Facebook | TikTok | Twitter | YouTube | Website