Harmony in the Home

When you’re new to parenting, or even an experienced parent, you may fall into the trap of using other people as your barometer. You may see an experienced parent doing XYZ thing with their kids and feel bad that you’re not doing it the same way. Or perhaps you base your success on how your children act.

As I’ve said many times before on our podcast, you only have control over your side of the street. Unfortunately, people easily forget this. They are quick to jump to worrying and putting pressure on themselves. The problem is that as you put pressure on yourself to perform well, you will begin placing more pressure on your kids — an abnormal amount, different from ordinary stressors like schoolwork or the rigors of extracurricular study in the arts or sports. This pressure isn’t going to create more success. It’s going to make everybody frustrated!

You must always remind yourself that your children, even older kids, teens, and young adults, are experiencing being alive for the first time. They don’t know how to do all the things, so they’re going to mess up a lot. Even if they’ve done something right 1000 times before, they might mess up again! And that’s okay! In addition, they feel the full gamut of emotions, and they haven’t yet learned any strategies for identifying and controlling those emotions. So it’s not realistic or fair to yourself OR to your children to use their behavior as your metric for success.

You want to see more successes? Take the pressure off of yourself, and take the pressure off of your kids. It is a joyous way to live.

Remember: you’ve got this!

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How can you help your kids deal with anger and frustration?

I asked you all on Facebook: what are some of the most difficult emotions for your kids? The results came back overwhelmingly pointing toward anger and frustration. This is totally understandable. Why? Because kids feel the exact same emotions, in the same amounts, that you do! Unfortunately, their circumstances are stacked against them: first, it’s their first time experiencing tricky emotions, so to them it seems worse than it actually is. Second, they don’t yet have the words to express their emotions. Third, they don’t yet have a way to process or cope with their emotions. The first of these issues will get better as they gain life experience, but the second and third require your help!

As a preface to my summary, consider this: your #1 job as the parent is to remain calm, like a flight attendant on a turbulent flight (see episode 107). When they go red, stay green. Their behavior is a reflection of them in the moment, not a reflection of you.

In this episode, I’ll touch on strategies for addressing your children’s anger. These techniques range from agreeing with the emotion (NOT the behavior; again, the emotion) to sharing a gentle lesson by mentioning a time when you were very angry. As you arm yourself and your children with the tools you need to identify and process your emotions in healthy ways, and consistently practice strategies for diffusing (not suppressing) anger and frustration, you and your family will notice the difference.

Remember: you’ve got this!

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Do you ever wonder, “why do I lose it over tiny things my kids do?”

There’s an idiom for this behavior, which is called “kicking the dog.” This expression can be summed up in this way: a person who has stressful circumstances or injustice foisted upon them will, in turn, lash out at people under their care. It can be summed up even more succinctly if we want: hurt people hurt people! Isn’t it ironic, too, that we often yell the most at the people we love the most?

In this episode, I will discuss some of the factors that might lead you to lose your cool with your kids. I will touch on the immediate consequences you probably feel, such as guilt and shame. I will talk about some developmental consequences for your children (the short story is: monkey see, monkey do). And most importantly, I will try to help you recognize some of your triggers and give you strategies to avoid “kicking the dog.”

I’m not just the president of the “harmony in the home” club; I’m a client as well! I guarantee you that if you take upon yourself the commission to rule your own emotions rather than be ruled by them, you will feel better about yourself and your relationship with the people within your four walls. As you consistently apply principles for managing your emotions, you WILL see results.

Remember, you’ve got this!

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Who should I prioritize when deciding where to devote my love and energy?

I can’t remember where I heard this analogy, but it’s good enough to share. Imagine a champagne tower: a pyramid of glasses stacked so that when champagne is poured into a glass, the overflow pours into each row of glasses below it.

Just like placing your relationships on metaphorical rings around Saturn (listen to episode 9!), and just like adults are instructed to put on oxygen before children in airplane cabin pressure emergencies, YOU in your role as a caretaker need to be the first recipient of your own love and energy. Self-sacrificing behavior on behalf of your spouse, children, or literally any other person is too easily warped into a martyr complex (listen to episode 61!) to justify that kind of expenditure of energy.

In this episode, I will discuss the champagne tower analogy of relationships in more detail. I will touch on the many ways in which you can and should put yourself first. And best of all, I will go over the reason this analogy (like Saturn) is so useful: if you are happy and healthy, and if you talk to yourself in a positive way and treat yourself well, all your other relationships will benefit from that abundance of love and compassion. There is no escaping the law of the harvest: plant the seeds of grace and empathy for yourself in your own heart, and let them grow to reap the benefits.

Remember, you’ve got this!

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How do you know when you’re actually doing a good job as a parent?

I was recently at a sporting event with my sister and her husband. David, the kids, and I had seen a professional photographer to get some nice photos done. I got a notification that the pictures were available to view, and right there watching the game, my inner “mean girl” kicked into overdrive. I started picking myself apart, focusing on how bad I thought I looked and ignoring the other three beautiful people in the pictures, and I couldn’t stop! My sister said I might be suffering from some form of body dysmorphia, a mental illness of obsessive focus on perceived flaws in appearance.

Well, I’m working on loving myself as I am, but I use this story to draw an analogy. As a parent, you may tend to have “parenting dysmorphia” and dwell on the “weak” aspects of your parenting ability, or the things you hate about yourself. Now, that’s normal to do, BUT it’s not kind to yourself or healthy for your mind. Just like in the Michael Jordan meme: “Stop it! Get some help.” That help begins with you proactively adjusting the way you talk to yourself.

In the same way that your kids listen to you and the way you talk to them informs the development of their inner voice, you influence your own inner voice with the way you talk to yourself! You have a tremendous opportunity and responsibility to initiate your own growth and change, starting with wherever you are right now. Your children are the exemplars of unconditional love. They give hugs, make drawings and other small gifts, and show love without reservations. Internalize that. Learn (or re-learn) to be kind to yourself, and you will reap the rewards in the way your behavior changes toward everyone around you.

Back in the dark days when I was plagued by “mommy guilt,” I noticed that tiny things that didn’t bother me when my students did them made me livid when my children did them! Be sure to examine your triggers. If something your spouse or kids do sets you off, get curious, not furious. You get the opportunity and responsibility to understand why you feel certain reactions to certain stimuli, and you get to learn how to respond appropriately to triggers. If you can name it, you can tame it.

As you meet each day with an abundance of grace and compassion for yourself, you will feel better about your parenting ability, and you will share that grace and compassion with others. Remember: you’ve got this!

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Have you ever asked yourself, “When should I start addressing problematic behavior I see in myself or others in my home?” I know I have! Here are some thoughts for your consideration.

I love to stop and assess: “is this an event, or is this a pattern?” If you miss a day on your workout regimen, or if your child forgets to attend to a responsibility for one day or once in a long while, I PROMISE it is okay to approach this situation using my two best friends, grace and compassion. Meanwhile, if it seems a pattern of problematic behavior is emerging, it may be time to discuss next steps for improving it. The key element here is that often-heard adage on this podcast: get curious, not furious! Don’t guess that your spouse or child (or your own brain) is willfully out to get you by doing things you dislike. Examine the situation and ask questions!

In this episode, I’ll be discussing a good handful of topics revolving around this central idea of event vs. pattern. I’ll touch on the power of creating temporary boundaries of space to keep yourself in the green zone. I’ll give examples of using positive reinforcement for good behavior. And I’ll talk about applied grace and compassion as you do nice things for other people within your four walls. You may be fine with picking up laundry left in the bathroom after a shower, or you may not. (I’m not, and I love my reasons for enforcing that boundary.) You may be fine with making lunches for your older kids, or you may not. (I still make lunches for Grady in 5th grade, and I love my reasons for doing so.)

Remember that we don’t like to be controlled, nor do other people! Ultimately, the only thing over which you have absolute control is your own behavior. You can’t bend the actions of your spouse, your kids, your mother-in-law, nor anybody else to your will! Take care that you act accordingly.

Remember: you’ve got this!

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How do I get my kids to listen?!

It’s no secret: getting kids to listen the first time is a huge point of interest for parents. It’s the topic that most often brings people to me. Now, while there is no single good answer, there are a lot of things you can and should try, and I’ll be introducing you to some ideas that I hope will help you on your quest for attentive children!

I’ve sourced the title of this week’s episode from Foster Cline and Jim Fay’s book Parenting with Love and Logic, since I’ve found some of their methodology to be useful. As always, I encourage you to read the original material, test and see how you feel about what you’ve learned, and then decide whether you will use it in your own life.

In this episode, I’ll talk about the why and how of offering choices to children whenever possible. I’ll discuss “code words” I use with Lily and Grady to help them be attentive when I need them to do something. I’ll talk about win-win ways to reward your kids for overall good behavior while still retaining leverage to encourage them to listen. Perhaps most importantly, I’ll discuss your children’s greatest need: that you put your phone down and dedicate time to getting on their level, playing with them, and listening to them. Listening is a two-way street!

As you engage with your children on their terms, and as you set healthy mutual expectations for your relationship, I guarantee you will all be more willing and able to listen to each other and have a happy experience within your four walls. You’ve got this!

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Just how do you deal with the incessant, insufferable noise from your inner critic?!

Everybody has a “mean girl” or “mean guy” inside of them. It is often a voice of profound negativity — not of deliberately malicious intent, it just constantly reminds you that you’re Not Good Enough. The voice of the inner critic keeps you operating in your comfort zone and out of what it perceives as dangerous circumstances. But the comfort zone is the last place you should be if you are intent on growing and making changes in your life!

In this episode, I’m giving a shout-out to Melissa Ambrosini’s book Mastering Your Mean Girl, which details her process of coming to terms with her inner “mean girl,” since it has been a valuable tool for me. I’ll be discussing some of the many ways your inner “mean girl” can exercise a chokehold on your life. I’ll summarize Melissa’s four-step CAST process for identifying and engaging with your inner “mean girl.” (I named mine Edith, and you get to name yours as well!) And I’ll be discussing how you can leverage that “mean girl” power for productive, healthy ends.

The best part of learning to deal with your inner “mean girl” or “mean guy” is that as you bring her or him into compliance with the other parts of your inner Self, you will find that you are kinder and more compassionate to other people within your four walls. Isn’t that crazy?! As you love yourself, you will be able to love others better. That’s awesome.

You’ve got this!

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I keep getting into funny title territory! This episode is no different. You may think “well, which sport is it, baseball or basketball?” And my answer to you is … either. Let me explain.

It may be difficult getting your kids to listen. I know I have LOTS of trouble listening to my kids sometimes, and I’m all grown up. But your children need to have real attentive listening modeled for them every day! It could be sports, music, books, animals, it could be ANYTHING.

So here’s an exercise for you. Pretend like you’re on Jeopardy and you need to know all about your child’s interests. Suck up all that information like a sponge. Get to where you could answer “how many yards are in a soccer field?” or “what’s the newest Super Mario Bros. power-up?” if called upon to do so.

Here’s the thing. A lot of times we want our kids to study, to clean their room, to take a shower — we want these good things for them, and we want THEM to want these good things as well. But it’s going to take meeting your children on their terms and entering into their world FIRST in order for them to understand. Learning about their favorite sport or pastime is a golden opportunity for you to model good listening AND manifest your interest in what they have to say, because yes, both of these are essential for their development!

You can make a game out of active listening. Set goals for capturing personal “Kodak moments” and call them something based on your kid’s interests — two-point shots, goals, touchdowns, levels-up — to make it light and fluffy and remove the “routine” feeling. Grady and I are calling it “reverse golf” and trying to make or beat “par” for passing positivity and kindness to each other every day.

As you become present and take a genuine interest in learning about what your child likes, you will connect with them better! It has worked for me, and I promise it will work for you too. Remember: you’ve got this!

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You’re probably thinking, what are you talking about with these random titles? Well, this title is not original. Someone told me this idea when the kids were very little, something that I’ve kind of mentioned in passing, but I decided to dedicate an entire episode to it because this helps me so much to stay present and focused and engage with my kids.

Basically, from birth to age 18, your child will be under your care for about 940 weeks. If we assume the average lifespan of a human being is 100 years, and round this time spent at home up to 20 years (for ease of math), that’s TWENTY PERCENT. These are the formative years that influence your child’s experience for many years afterward.

The days may seem to crawl at a snail’s pace, but the years will fly by. You may be tempted to stretch yourself to meet unrealistic outcomes like “my child has to be happy all the time” or “I have to be happy all the time.” RESIST this temptation and do not dwell on it, because again, it’s a wholly unrealistic outcome. Everybody has their own 50/50 of good and not-so-good.

I’ve set countdown timers on my phone for my children’s “coming of age” 940th-Saturday moments in just a few years. Whatever they choose to do with themselves —whether it’s college, technical school, or leaping straight into a profession — my goal is to make the NOW count in their favor by giving them the tools and strategies they need to be mentally and emotionally healthy adults.

Now, your mileage may vary with the “940 Saturdays” concept. If this helps you be present, use it; and if it doesn’t help, don’t use it. But in any case, make the choice to savor the good times you experience together — and when things get tough, know that it’s NORMAL, and neither you nor your child are broken. Choose to be present. Choose to drop your unmet expectations and your triggered ego. Choose every day to learn together, grow together, and move on together. It is a joyous way to live.

Remember: you’ve got this!

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Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

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