Harmony in the Home

This week, I’ll be drawing on the lesson that changed the trajectory of my life.

Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s book The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children is a must-read for a parent attempting to make the journey into a conscious, healthy parenting style. Several years ago I was doing my workout and listening to the audiobook, and this quote hit me so hard that I almost dropped my dumbells!

Dr. Tsabary says: “When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a “mini me,” but a spirit throbbing with its own signature. For this reason, it’s important to separate who you are from who each of your children is.” DROP. THE. MIC. What a powerful sentiment, and what incredible wisdom!

This was the light switch that had to flip in my mind for me to “get” why I was butting heads with my kids, especially my daughter. My relationship with my daughter was, and is, nothing like my relationship with my mother. And it’s not supposed to be either! You’re not raising a clone, you’re raising a child — and your child is going to be different from you in an uncountable number of ways.

Rising to the challenge of accepting life as-is will reward you in ways you can scarcely imagine. The sooner you can accept the reality that your child is not (and is not meant to be) a clone of you, the sooner you can STOP trying, whether consciously or unconsciously, to recreate the parent-child dynamic you experienced as a child — AND the sooner you can move forward to a healthy relationship with your child. And that is worth all the time and effort you invest to achieve it. You’ve got this!

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

A tantrum can look a lot of different ways, but it’s a global word to describe a child having a hard time. Here’s a secret: toddlers aren’t the only people who have tantrums. Older kids have them. Teenagers have them. ADULTS have them!

If you feel exhausted at the end of the day, like you’ve been riding a roller-coaster, it’s likely that you’ve been having tantrums right along with your kids. I know because I used to do that, and I STILL do it sometimes. But guess what? You gotta chill, girlfriend!

Remember: your child is having a hard time, not giving you a hard time. It’s hard to remember that when the ego (see episode 82) tends to personalize and internalize anything your child does. This is why you might have a meltdown when your child does, but not when somebody else’s child does. There may be some martyrdom tendencies at work here (see episodes 61-62) that are draining you as well!

In this episode I’ll talk about how to stop riding the not-so-fun emotional roller-coaster with your kids. I’ll be drawing on the help of my friend Crystal’s AWESOME Instagram reel — https://www.instagram.com/reel/CP6k5WFH8do/ — and reading a few choice quotes.

The goal with this episode in particular is to remind you that you are in control of yourself. That is the part of your situation that needs the most oversight and moderation. As you embody the calm, assertive pack leader energy we’ve talked about before, you will be ready to keep your cool through any tantrum. You’ve got this!

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

This episode deals with a lot of subjects, but I’ll be focusing on a specific tool that you can use: the expression “asked and answered,” which is short form for “you’ve asked, and I’ve given my answer.” Now for an example:

Suppose you’re in the checkout line at the store and your child wants a lollipop. They ask, you say no — but they keep asking and they keep whining and maybe even throw a tantrum, and then you’re embarrassed. And then you break. You say, “okay, fine. You can have a lollipop.” And what that child learns is: “all I need to do is create such a scene that Mom or Dad will finally give in.”

When this happens, it doesn't mean your child is bad, manipulative, or sneaky. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with your child either! It means your child is smart, utilizing problem-solving skills in order to achieve a sweet objective: candy. We the parents are in our 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s, and WE like to get our own way in much bigger matters … so surely we can understand where they’re coming from.

So, back to the checkout line: they ask for the lollipop, and you say no. They ask why, and you could justify your answer (but you don’t have to, and in this case it’s actually best that you don’t). OR you could respond, using your calm, assertive pack leader energy: “asked and answered.” As you practice this technique, you will achieve success in derailing many of your children’s petty demands through consistent application of calm, assertive pack leader energy. Tone is everything here. Don’t whine, don’t yell, be calm. You’re the one with the developed prefrontal cortex.

Now, your child will often not be reasonable. They will still throw tantrums, and it may be over bigger things like extra screen time or staying out later with friends or borrowing the car. Do not throw a tantrum with them. Remember, when they’re feeling a really big emotion and going into the red, it’s the first time they’ve felt it strongly enough to lose control, possibly in conjunction with external negative stimuli like being hungry or tired. They are not giving you a hard time; they are having a hard time!

As always, your job is to be the flight attendant keeping your first-time flyer on Big Emotion Airlines calm, and helping your children process their big emotions in a healthy way will prepare them for life. You’ve got this!

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

I’m always trying to think of things that worked in my classroom with 20 kids so they’ll scale down and work in your four walls. One thing that helped my 1st-graders was teaching them tangible words to stand up for themselves and be assertive. At the beginning of the year, we’d teach them to counter teasing, bullying, etc. with a polite but assertive “please stop, I don’t like that.”

Why this phrase? First, this phrase is a valuable tool for small children who are just beginning to get a grasp of verbalizing their feelings. Teaching them “please stop, I don’t like that” will prevent a good number of peer disputes and tantrums before they even start.

Second, a healthy society is founded on personal autonomy and mutually-respected boundaries. By teaching kids early on to voice a concern when something is causing them distress, we prepare them for grown-up life. We empower them to stand up for themselves at work, in public, in relationships, and in a multitude of other scenarios that (God forbid) can become abusive or toxic if all parties involved do not respect boundaries. We also teach them empathy for others, so when they get told “please stop, I don’t like that,” they’ll comply.

The goal is helping all students be assertive with a Goldilocks balance; not too hot (no SCREAMING, no tantrums) and not too cold (no whining, no enabling the person doing the teasing). Just like we want to embody “calm, assertive pack leader energy,” we want our children to develop that energy early on.

By empowering your children to turn their feelings into words and communicate with other people, you are giving them the tools they need to be successful throughout their lives. It is an incredible gift to give. You’ve got this!

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

What if I told you there was a real unicorn in Paris you could visit? Well, hold your horses, because there isn’t really a unicorn in Paris! But for children, and not just young children, that might be totally believable. Why is that?

A child’s mind is full of imagination and floats along to the whimsical tune of adventuring through a totally unexplored (to them) world, and it really seems magical to them. Their minds are impressionable and vulnerable, and can be easily made to believe in things grownups don’t believe in. This is a double-edged sword, because the mind that’s experiencing life for the first time, and all its wonderful magical sensations, is also experiencing tricky emotions for the first time.

The “unicorn in Paris” bit is a reminder that when you are trying to help a child navigate their emotions, you are helping to mentor someone with an undeveloped, impressionable mind — and it’s not their fault, as it’s literally how they’re born and it won’t be developed until … it is. Reach into emotional adulthood. If you did not have help learning to navigate your own tricky emotions as a child, learn how to do it now so that you can be the person your child needs. You’ve got this!

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

Imagine you’re on a flight and the plane starts experiencing serious turbulence. How do you react? If the flight attendants are freaking out, you might also freak out — maybe even start calling people to say your last goodbyes! But if the flight attendants are calmly carrying out their tasks, you may be more inclined to be calm as well.

Children are the same way around their parents and leaders. They need to be exposed to calm, assertive leadership methods so that they don’t freak out and go into the red zone (see episode 89). In my process of becoming a conscious parent, I had to learn to be calm, even when I felt like the situation was spiraling out of control, because my responses to any tiny problem that came up were the equivalent of POURING GAS on a FIRE for my kids’ emotional and psychological health. When I freaked out about little things, that made the little things into big things!!

I’m in my forties and I STILL have a hard time with difficult emotions sometimes! It is TOTALLY NORMAL for a child to have a hard time, because it is their FIRST time! Conscious parenting techniques — practicing mind management, being conscious of your thoughts, accepting the as-is, not assuming malicious intent or irresponsibility when your child does something you do not like, and more — are going to be the key to staying calm and helping your children to stay calm during the “turbulence” you will experience.

I encourage you to step up, accept the challenge to parent consciously, and be the flight attendant your child needs. You’ll help them, and you’ll help yourself as well! You’ve got this!

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

This week I thought I’d touch on a serious life hack that I use ALL the time. I’m amazed that we’re so far in and I haven’t shared this trick with you!

Mel Robbins, who has a formidable skill set as a lawyer, journalist, and keynote speaker, gave a talk at the 2011 TEDx San Francisco called “How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over” . The last couple minutes of her address deal with what she calls the “five-second rule” for self-motivation. Basically, it boils down to this:

Every day we have strong impulses in our heart and soul to take action that disrupts our complacent misery and improves our lives — it could be getting out of bed right when the alarm rings for a workout, raising our hand to make an important suggestion in a business meeting, or just talking to somebody interesting at a party. When those impulses occur, we have about five seconds before the primitive brain engages safety measures and suppresses the thought. (Remember, the unconscious mind likes to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and maximize its efficiency at doing both).

So how do you get out of the funk?! The key is to steel yourself to action by counting down, sort of like a rocket ship. You count: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 … and then you DO the thing that you should do, even if you don’t want to.

I’m not gonna lie: it’s really hard to do this. The unconscious brain doesn’t want to work. It wants to keep you safe and comfortable. Once the unconscious mind is accustomed to its sad, boring routine, you’ll have to drag it kicking and screaming into the light by action, and the five-second rule is one such way to disrupt unhealthy patterns. But with time and practice, you can look ahead to the reward you will feel for making good on your impulse to action.

As you apply the five-second rule, you’ll be able to loosen your unconscious mind’s grip on your life. You can remind yourself how good it will feel once you do The Thing your unconscious doesn’t want to do, and you will be accustomed to action. As you take steps to take control, the payout will be WELL worth it!

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

If you know me, you know I’m obsessed with ChapStick. It’s my FAVORITE lip balm. My dad used it all the time, I use it all the time, it’s great. (I promise there’s a point to this.) I recently discovered Graham Cracker flavor, which is my new favorite — but my family doesn’t get my obsession with ChapStick, and in fact, Grady is grossed out by the smell of Graham Cracker. But that doesn’t change how much I love it. They just don’t understand!

Now, I want you to think of someone that you love and admire, whether it’s a friend, a family member, a spouse — and then I want you to think about someone outside of your close circle NOT liking that same person. If some person told me they didn’t like my sister or my dad or David or my kids, I’d be confused, and I’d have to say “you don’t know them like I do. You just don’t understand!”

Now (okay, here’s the point) imagine that someone who has no tangible stake AT ALL in your life is angry with you or dislikes you. Should you feel something in terms of a reaction? And if so, how should you feel? When you cultivate self-love and practice a mindset that offers empathy, grace, and compassion, you’ll be the friend that you need — you can safely ignore opinions from people who don’t live within your walls and don’t know you like you know yourself. They just don’t understand!

It’s hard work, but everything gets better with practice. So let’s practice together!

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

Do you ever start doing something different because there’s a possibility you’re being watched? I know I have.

Recently I was thinking about an event early on in my conscious parenting journey. I was at a restaurant with my family and I saw an acquaintance (let’s call her Margaret). I impulsively began to play with Lily’s hair. Why did I do it? Was it to show off how connected I was to my daughter? And why did I care so much about the opinion of this woman who barely knew me? It’s interesting to note the ways in which our behavior can change based on who’s around to see it.

Now, the road toward becoming a conscious parent is a long road! Following in this path requires that we all become acutely aware of our behaviors and the motivating factors behind them, and sometimes the Margarets in our lives, both real and imagined, can help with this. Early on in my conscious parenting journey, I developed a sort of life hack where I pretended I was on a reality TV series with cameras all over pointed at me. Is it weird? Maybe a little. But it also helped me pay attention to my behaviors, specifically in parenting.

I constantly ask myself: what are my motivations for doing whatever I’m doing? This is not to say that you should be overly concerned with what other people think about your parenting style or your relationship with your children. In fact, as a general rule, you shouldn’t care! (See episodes 96 and 97 for more on this topic.) HOWEVER, the reality TV technique can jumpstart your mental focus, forcing you to get curious about your own behaviors and their motivations and be aware of what you must modify within yourself to become a better parent.

As you develop confidence in your ability to be the mentor, the rational mind, and all the other things children need from adults, you can go from the reality TV mindset of “parent like everyone is watching” to “parent like no-one is watching.” You’ve got this!

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

You may be thinking, what’s with this title? I know “boomerang judgement” may sound weird to you, but hear me out! This is an important principle.

Within Byron Katie’s coaching and healing regimen, which she calls The Work, she has a worksheet called “Judge Your Neighbor” where the coachee would describe a bothersome, annoying, or otherwise disturbing aspect of a close associate. For example, a coachee might write “Paul never listens” on their worksheet. (Paul may be their colleague, their student, their own child, or their spouse; everyone has a Paul in their life.) Afterward, the exercise asks for the coachee to write introspective inversions of the judgement. One might follow up the statement “Paul never listens” with “I never listen,” “I never listen to Paul,” “Paul DOES listen,” or “HOW does Paul listen?”, et cetera.

A brain going about its normal business (seek pleasure, avoid pain, and maximize efficiency in doing both) without conscious guidance is unwilling to approach difficult emotions with nuance, and so these inverted statements may all be true but lie suffocated beneath the weight of “Paul never listens.” If we throw out a judgement, we must accept the possibility of a return, just like a boomerang returning after being thrown.

Honest introspection is painful for the ego; we tend to find that if someone else’s actions bother us, it’s because we see similar behavior within ourselves. Fortunately, if I stop to think and honestly ask myself whether I’m also guilty of the thing I dislike in another person, then sometimes I learn that I am! It’s both humbling and empowering.

Knowing that I’m both flawed and awesome (as is everyone) is an important lesson; it helps me extend grace and compassion to other people when they do things I don’t like, and it helps me have empathy for myself as I try to improve myself every day.

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!