“I didn’t give an employee feedback for six months because I dreaded having the conversation,” a friend whom I’ll call Denny recently confided to me. 

He told me this after reading my Harvard Business Review article, “Feedback isn’t enough to help your employees grow." 

In that article, a coauthor (whom I’ll call Peter Bregman, because that’s his name) and I argue that feedback doesn’t typically improve performance, and often makes things worse. And we offer an alternative approach that focuses not on feedback, but improved performance — which is the goal anyway.

Denny told me that once he read the article, he had zero hesitation about having that conversation with his employee. And they dealt with stuff that had been bothering both of them for almost a year.

Before I understood this, I would have coached Denny to “feel the fear and do it anyway.”

But sometimes, and definitely in this case, the fear was telling him something worth listening to. 

The Three Fears of Feedback

Why do some of us fear giving feedback? I’ve identified three main predictions of suffering:

1. The other person will feel bad
2. I will feel bad for making the other person feel bad
3. It will make things worse by creating tension in our relationship

Over the past 30 years, we’ve been brainwashed into thinking that feedback is the breakfast of champions: the ill-tasting pill that everyone needs in order to become a high performer.

It’s just not true. 

Here’s the thing: feedback isn’t the point. 

The point is improved performance going forward. 

And giving feedback — the way it’s thought of, taught, and modeled — actually undermines performance rather than promoting it.

So those fears aren’t irrational. I don’t advise blasting through them with grit, willpower, determination, or testosterone shots. 

Instead, let’s do something different — something that allows us to have effective and enjoyable conversations that do what we really want: improve performance. 

The Three Mindset Shifts 

We have to make three basic mindset shifts to move from giving feedback to uplifting others.

1. From past to future 
2. From critic to ally
3. From knowing to wondering

Feedback is about what happened in the past, and how it fell short. Uplift is about the future, and what’s preferable.

Telling some how they didn’t hit the mark makes you a critic. Supporting someone to do better next time makes you an ally.

Explaining what they did wrong makes you a knower. Exploring what’s possible makes you a wonderer.

Those mindset shifts are necessary to start having Uplifting conversations, but they aren’t enough. You also need the steps and skills to initiate them and keep them moving in the right direction.

That’s why I’m pleased to offer:

“Have That Dreaded Conversation Before Christmas”

Next week I’ll share my formula for Uplifting Conversations in a live interactive online masterclass. 

You can register here. 

Date: Tuesday 10 December 2024

Time: 1:30-3:00pm Central European Standard Time (7:30-9:00am US EST)

I’ll teach the formula (and share it in a PDF handout for you to download), and do a demo or two with volunteers. 

Depending on the size of the group, we may practice in breakout groups.

You’ll leave the masterclass ready to start having fun and effective performance enhancement conversations — minus the doubts, dreads, and hesitations that made you put off those conversations so far.

You can register here. 

Three Options

If you’re still procrastinating that dreaded conversation, you have three choices:

1. Keep putting it off
2. Get an infusion of courage to overcome your resistance to a painful experience — you’ll have to go elsewhere for that
3. Make it not scary, so you don’t need courage — gain the skills on 10 December 2024, 1:30pm CEST (7:30am US EST) by registering here