He Blamed It On Me

For the longest time, I was trying to get my husband to stop abusing me by proving I was worthy enough for him to change. It never worked, because I was pouring my energy into the one thing I couldn't control. That realization became part of my chapter in a new book, Lead Like a Woman: Fearless. In this episode I talk about what it was like to write that chapter, why it scared me, and the four pillars I believe you move through on any fearless journey. Fearless doesn't mean without fear. It means being scared and doing it anyway.

For months, I held everything together. I protected my husband, I managed our home, and I told almost no one what was really happening, because I'm the problem solver, and I didn't want to be a bother. Then he started to get better. And that's exactly when I fell apart.

In this chapter, I talk about the isolation I chose without realizing it, the flood of emotions that hit once I finally had room to feel them, being quietly blamed for my husband's breakdown by someone I trusted, and the break that turned into tears.

If you've ever been the strong one who couldn't ask for help, you'll recognize yourself here.

They say the most dangerous time for an abuse victim is after they leave. For me, that turned out to be true.

In this episode, I tell the story of the night I sat at my own kitchen table and genuinely wondered if I would still be alive when the police arrived. My ex never once laid a hand on me in our marriage. There was never any physical abuse. And still, there was a night I was certain he could kill me.

This one is about why leaving is so dangerous, the impossible math of trying to stay safe, and how the same table that held my worst night also became a place of healing.

If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse, you don't have to figure it out alone. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential, and available 24/7. Call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat online at thehotline.org. They can also help you think through a safety plan. If you're in immediate danger, call 911.

This is the chapter I almost didn't record. It's something I have never told anyone, not even my therapist.

In the late summer of 2022, the weight of my marriage got so heavy that my mind went to a dark place I'm still ashamed of.

In this chapter, I talk honestly about the thoughts that overwhelm can put in your head, the guilt that comes with them, and the moment everything shifted when I realized how much I stood to lose.

If you've ever carried a thought you couldn't say out loud, you are not alone, and you are not a monster.

This chapter deals with the weight of abuse, dark intrusive thoughts, and a partner's suicidality. If you or someone you love is in crisis, there is help. If there is immediate danger, call 911. In the US, you can call or text 988 anytime to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. If there is immediate danger, call 911.

You're exhausted. Everything lands on your plate. You've got a hundred tabs open in your brain and nobody to hand a single one to. You feel like a single parent, except you're married.

In this episode, I talk about over-functioning. What it is, how it quietly becomes your whole life, and the loop that lets one partner step back while the other carries everything. I get honest about the difference between a marriage you can rebalance and a marriage that only works when you disappear.

Doing it all is not a badge of honor. You were never meant to carry a two-person life by yourself.

https://kaylliancollective.com

This episode touches on emotional abuse. If your relationship only feels manageable when you carry everything and go silent, that's worth talking through with someone you trust. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. If there is immediate danger, call 911

I am a planner. Give me a passing mention of a vacation, and I'll have a list of hotels and things to do by the next morning.

But in the summer and fall of 2022, I stopped.

No trips, no plans, nothing to look forward to.

I told myself I was just busy. The truth was that the future had gotten too painful to imagine. In this chapter, I share the small, quiet moment that finally showed me how bad things had really gotten.

This chapter touches on emotional abuse and a fear of losing someone to suicide. If you or someone you love needs support, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. In the US, you can also call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If there is immediate danger, call 911.

How do you support someone who is struggling when that same person is your abuser? The honest, heavy truth about where love ends and abuse begins.

For a long time, I told myself that if I just poured enough into my husband, he would get better, and I would finally get what I needed back. What I didn't see was how much it was costing me.

In this episode, I talk about what it really means to support a partner through mental health challenges, including when things turn to suicide, and the hard truth I had to learn about where support ends and abuse begins.

Whether you're the one carrying that weight right now or trying to understand someone who is, this one comes from the deepest part of my story. Because a reason for someone's behavior is not the same as an excuse for it, and loving them was never supposed to mean losing myself.

Content warning: this episode talks openly about suicide, suicidal thoughts, and moments of emotional and physical aggression. Please take care of yourself while you listen. If you are struggling, you are not alone, and there are people ready to help. S

If any part of this episode hit close to home, please know you don't have to carry it alone. In the US, you can call or text 988 anytime to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or chat online at 988lifeline.org. It is free, confidential, and available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and you can reach out whether you are worried about yourself or about someone you love. You do not need to be in immediate danger to talk to someone.

If you are outside the US, you can find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.

And if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number right away.

Content warning: this episode talks openly about suicide, suicidal thoughts, and moments of emotional and physical aggression. Please take care of yourself while you listen. If you are struggling, you are not alone, and there are people ready to help.

This is one of the hardest chapters of my story to tell. As that fall went on, my husband's episodes lasted longer and hit harder, and his sleepless nights turned into something I didn't know how to carry. He started telling me about the suicidal thoughts that kept him awake. Somehow I was both the source of his pain and the reason he said he wanted to get better, and the weight of holding both is hard to put into words.

In this episode, I walk through the night an almost perfect day shattered on a fifteen-minute walk home, a fight that stretched on for hours, the first time his anger crossed into something physical, and the day I called him selfish with no idea he had just spent it on the phone with a suicide hotline.

It's about what it does to you to love someone in crisis, to be blamed for that crisis, and to carry a fear you can't say out loud. It ends with the ultimatum I never thought I would have to give the man I loved.

KayllianCollective.com

If any part of this episode hit close to home, please know you don't have to carry it alone.

In the US, you can call or text 988 anytime to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or chat online at 988lifeline.org. It is free, confidential, and available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and you can reach out whether you are worried about yourself or about someone you love. You do not need to be in immediate danger to talk to someone.

If you are outside the US, you can find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.

And if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number right away.

Why didn't you just leave? It's the question almost every abuse victim gets, and it's one I've had to sit with myself.

In this episode, I get honest about why I stayed in a marriage that turned abusive: the fifteen good years I wasn't ready to throw away, the gaslighting that had me doubting my own reality, and the people around me who quietly made it my job to fix him instead of save myself. I also talk about two stories in the news that cracked me open this week, and why staying never actually meant I was safe.

If you've ever judged someone for staying, or judged yourself for it, this one is for you. Because nobody wants to stay in an abusive relationship. We just believe, for far too long, that if we try hard enough, the abuse will stop.

This is the chapter where I started changing my behavior, not because I did anything wrong, but because I was exhausted from the consequences of living my normal life.

I evaluated every invitation. I memorized every guest list. I prepared for the interrogation before I walked back through my own front door.

I knew it wasn't right. But I also knew I loved him, and I believed that love was enough to fix it.