Hi there,

Children have preferences for some kids over others as early as preschool. It would be nice if they liked and befriended everyone, but they don’t. Neither do we, as adults. Figuring out how to get along with people we don’t particularly like is a life skill!

Let me know what you think! Who is the most difficult person youve had to deal with?

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 138 - When joking is mean, not funny (Seb, Age 11)

Ep. 12 - Kid bullies him at recess (Adrian, Age 8)

Ep. 3 - Kid tries to wreck game (Noelle, Age 10)

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Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Have you ever had to get along with someone you don’t particularly like? How did you handle that?

• How can disliking someone (and telling people you don’t like that person!) hurt your friendships with other kids?

• Dr. Friendtastic said that staying away from a group because you don’t like one person “would be giving this one kid a lot of power to influence who you play with and what you do.” What does this mean?

• Why is trying to kick someone out of a group an unkind thing to do?

• Why might flooding someone you don’t like with kindness be a useful strategy? (Hint: How are they likely to respond?) When would this strategy not be a good idea?

Transcript

There’s a saying that goes “One bad apple can spoil the barrell.” A rotting apple gives off ethylene gas which speeds up the ripening and rotting of nearby fruit. This saying implies that when one person in a group behaves badly, maybe by being negative or unkind, it can rub off on others, bringing out the worst in them, and end up wrecking the group.

It’s true that each person in a group affects the group. It’s also true that a group affects each person in it. No one is perfect, which means no group is perfect. A healthy group can survive or maybe even improve a bit of bad behavior. Take a listen.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Let’s listen to today’s question:

Hi, I’m Joe, and I’m 9 years old. My question is, what should I do if I want to join a group but someone I don’t want to play with is playing?

Hi, Joe. Thanks for sending in your question. This is a tricky one! On the one hand you want to be part of this group, on the other hand, you don’t want to be around one member of the group.

Let’s start by thinking about why you don’t like this one kid. Maybe he was mean to you in the past. Maybe he’s been mean to you recently. Or maybe you just find him annoying because he’s too silly, too loud, or too rough. Maybe he cheats at games or argues about rules.

All of those are understandable reasons to want to stay away from someone! The question is, are they big enough reasons to stay away from the whole group?

The group contains more than this one kid. Does your liking for the other kids or the game they’re playing outweigh your dislike of that one kid?

Only you can decide.

You could look for another group to play with, that doesn’t include this kid. That’s definitely an option, but that would be giving this one kid a lot of power to influence who you play with and what you do. Is he really that important?

Part of you might want to try to get that kid kicked out of the group you want to join. I don’t know that you’d succeed in doing that, and I hope you won’t try because that would be unkind. Being mean to him might also make the other kids in the group think less of you.

In almost every group, there are going to be some people you like better than others. That’s okay. The question is, how can you get along with someone you don’t particularly like?

There are a lot of situations where you’re going to have to do exactly that. In a classroom, a sports team, a group project, or even a work group when you’re a grown-up, you’re going to have to deal with people you didn’t and wouldn’t choose to be with, but there they are.

Plus, even people you generally like are sometimes going to do things that annoy or upset you. Rough spots happen in every relationship.

So, let’s say you decide to join the group even though this kid you don’t like is part of it. How could you deal with him?

The answer depends on what’s happening between the two of you, but you have lots of options.

One option is to be friendly and polite to everyone and just ignore it if he does something you don’t like. Tell yourself it’s not a big deal and stay focused on the game or the other kids.

Another option is to ask for what you want, calmly but loudly enough that other group members hear and could maybe back you up. For instance, you could say, “Please give someone else a turn,” or “I don’t like it when you call me that. Please use my real name” or “That hurt! Please keep your hands to yourself!”

Still another option is to flood him with kindness. In other words, go out of your way to be nice to him. You could greet him with a smile, give him sincere compliments, and generally treat him as if you were already friends. Over time, consistently being kind to him might get him to treat you better. That might not work, but we know for sure that if you’re mean to him, he’ll be mean back, so kindness could be worth a try.

Being kind to everyone in the group, including this kid, could also help you become part of the group.

Your decision to join or not doesn’t have to be permanent. You could try joining the group, see how it goes, and either continue or play with someone else the next day.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.