Healing occurs when we make the shift from thinking about our issue to feeling our feelings. The shift from thinking to feeling happens when we pay attention to the feelings themselves. This means actually entering them, not thinking about the problem or even about the feeling. So it is actually about feeling the grief, anger, sadness or fear or whatever, and following what happens.

It is your birthright to experience true love and intimacy. Feeling our feelings was set up to end suffering in relationships. Having a sense of safety within our relationships, and the environment in which we live, is essential for our physical health and wellbeing. We use the wisdom of own feelings, emotions, our intuition, to have healthier relationships and to make decisions that are in alignment with who we truly are. It starts with the healing relationship we have with ourselves. 

Moving on from a relationship is one of the most difficult transitions in a person’s life. And while each of us moves on in our own way and on our own time, one truth is almost universal: we all face this challenge at some point in our lives. One thing that we are not is alone in our suffering. Recently, it was discovered that, on average, people spend about 18 months of their lives getting over breakups. The good news is that, although it takes time, people are able to move on. And when they do, they leave behind lessons, actual, tangible, lived experience ways to heal. Because, eventually, we do heal. 

I often get asked, “Should I leave this relationship or continue to try to make it work?” It is very difficult to decide if and when it is time to leave. Some people are afraid of commitment, getting hurt, or risking being vulnerable. As a result, they are often quick to leave a relationship in order to protect themselves. Others stay too long, hoping things will change. Here are some questions to ask yourself to help assess if you are getting what you need from the relationship you’re in.

1- Do I feel I am my best self when I am with my partner?

2- Do I hide any part of myself to make things work, or to avoid conflict?

3- Do I feel valued and validated?

4- Can I see myself living this way long term?

5- Do I feel truly accepted by my partner?

6- Do I accept my partner fully?

7- Are there any deal breakers I’m choosing to ignore?

8- Am I ignoring any core values or beliefs that are important to me, in order to stay in this relationship?

9- How do we better each other’s lives?

10- Can we grow together, or do we impede each other’s growth?

We can love someone and they can love us, but we may not be right for each other. It is important to be in a grounded, and clear space when you make this decision. You don’t want to be reactive, or come from a place of anger. If you’ve asked yourself all these questions and are still struggling, you may need some support to navigate your way through this. If your friends and family are not enough, or are complicating matters with their opinions, therapy may be a helpful alternative. An objective perspective that helps you look at life differently, may be exactly what you need.

Remember, you are the most important person. Take care of you and honor you, and so will everyone else. We teach people how to treat us, by example.

Setting boundaries is a way to create a peaceful life. Our boundaries are a way we honor our own needs, goals, feelings, and values. Think of boundaries as guidelines to live by that only you can define. As we grow and change, our boundaries will too. Boundaries are meant to keep us safe and feel respected.
 

Every person has the right to change their own boundaries at any time. This includes yourself, your parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins and even your romantic or sexual partner(s). Boundaries play a very big part in creating healthy relationships with ourselves and others. Healthy boundaries let you be YOU and allow each person to protect their own peace.

Sometimes, people will overstep your personal boundaries intentionally or even try to change your boundaries. This might indicate a toxic relationship – when someone is trying to control or hurt you.

When someone oversteps your boundaries, it’s ok to tell that person what they are doing and tell them to stop. If you feel safe enough and that person is important to you, you can show them how to respect your personal boundary.

Keep in mind though that some people will refuse to respect your boundaries. In this case, it is your responsibility to protect your peace. Not everyone is meant to walk with us on our life journey. You deserve to surround yourself with loving people who respect your needs, goals, feelings, and values. Remember, you are the expert of your own experience, and only you have the power to create or change your personal boundaries. Trust in yourself! It’s necessar.

Relationships, for most of us, are never simple. Perhaps when we were young things seemed straightforward. It was hard to understand why someone would stay with someone they don’t like being around when we were young, but as we grow older we feel the layers of dynamics in our relationships. So much of who we are ,our pasts, our thoughts, our dreams, our fears, our own families of origin, holds the experience of our adult relationships the way a bag holds a pile of rice. Our minds shape the way we see our relationships, but that doesn’t change the reality of our relationships.

Whether we’re in an unhealthy relationship, healing from an unhealthy relationship, or simply going out on new dates, our minds will always shape our perception of who we’re with. And that’s not wrong or bad; it simply is what it is. When two minds see each other and love the contents of the others’ mind, it can be beautiful, but sometimes we only see what we want to see. So how do we know the difference?

Dealing with reality as it is is the first step in becoming truly present and mentally healthy, both within relationships and independently. Reality isn’t always pleasant, in fact, it’s often unpleasant. But not shying away from the things that cause us discomfort and not over indulging in the things that are comfortable is how we become sustainably happy. Practice taking a deep breath while reminding yourself that you are actively healing one of the most fundamental of skills. Recognize that this is a moment in which you are being cared for, loved, and nurtured. Try not to miss these moments of kindness and care. Learning to be loved is a vital part of your healing.

We must forgive ourselves! Without forgiveness of self it is impossible to forgive anyone else. Without forgiveness of others you stagnate your healing heart. You prolong your healing process. You’re not hurting anyone but yourself. So forgive yourself and let’s heal. It’s so necessary! 

There is an art to figuring out what is true for each of us , and it is equally an art for each of us to live our lives in accordance with that truth. 
 

Unlearning, as the word suggest, requires that we unlearn what we already know, in order to grow by learning new ways of thinking and behaving. While learning builds knowledge, unlearning builds wisdom. We grow and reshape our lives as we unlearn negative beliefs about ourselves and others. 
 

We change as we unlearn how we have always done things and embrace new ways of viewing the world. We become free from our own beliefs, knowledge, and limiting thoughts as we unlearn old negative thinking patterns and create new ones. 
 

We transform as we unlearn, because a conditioned mind cannot comprehend the infinite. 

I think what's amazing about trauma therapy is when we can help educate others about the developing brain. Our stress systems within the body and the way our behavior from birth is a way  of trying to access safety, connection and regulation, even when it doesn't feel like it.

Ok, that feels a little wordy, but what if you knew the way you behaved is merely trying to heal childhood wounds and trying to get your needs met.

What if you knew that one of the keys to move beyond trauma into empowerment is to not burden yourself with the heaviness of shame anymore because none of it was your fault and this shame isn't yours to carry.

What if you knew  that there is a very clear path to reclaiming yourself.

Trauma works from the bottom up brain approach to bring the you to a safe and regulated state before working on processing the trauma, because in order to talk about what's happened to you, you need to first feel a sense of safety and regulation as you move toward healing.

Our dedication to self awareness, healing, and discovery fully correlates with our ability to be there in a positive way for another. If we don't take the time and effort to dig deep inside ourselves, and notice some of the patterns behind our actions, we run the risk inadvertently hurting others, even if we have the best intentions!

Often times as we've been hurt, our adaptions speak in the world from that hurt because it was the only way we functioned or thought we could gain, love, connection, or validation.

Unfortunately without taking the time to look, some of these "adaptations" may not be as objectively helpful as we might think.

In fact, and we will NEVER see this without the perspective of inner work and self awareness they maybe just as hurtful as that original hurt placed upon us...

It is time to dig deep in your self and relational awareness so that your empowerment leads to more healing and connection and less hurt and disconnection. Both within yourself and your relationships with others.

Be prepared to take the time to self analyze! It's necessary.