HealingLives with Corey Gilbert

Gilbert, C. (2019). I can't say that: Going beyond the talk: Equipping your children to make choices about gender and sexuality from a biblical sexual ethic. 

In this episode, Dr. Gilbert discusses same-sex attraction. Some research points out that more than twenty-five percent of adolescents will struggle with their sexual identity during their teenage years.  He addresses the common questions: Is attraction to the same sex a sin? Is arousal sin?  How much weight should "attraction" be given in any of our relationships?

For some of us, our children are going to go through this struggle. A word of caution — be careful about how you love and encourage them in this process. They probably already know your thoughts, opinions and judgments regarding homosexuality. They do not need that. They need space, questions, care, touch, and leadership.You will hopefully still have permission to lead them — at least somewhat — so take what you can at this stage. Prayerfully walk with them, offering guidance through these struggles and questions.

I would encourage you to read the thoughtful books written by Dr. Mark Yarhouse and Dr. Preston Sprinkle for a compassionate Christian viewpoint.

Order Dr. Gilbert's book for parents at:

www.drcoreygilbert.com/books 

In this episode, Dr. Gilbert's son Blaize, who is 11, joins the podcast for the first time.  They discuss video games, screen time limits, and the importance of each family intentionally thinking through how they want to handle this in their home.  They also discuss the importance of children developing their own relationship with Christ.

Gilbert, C. (2019). I can't say that: Going beyond the talk: Equipping your children to make choices about gender and sexuality from a biblical sexual ethic. 

Real People We Love

In this episode, Dr. Gilbert discusses the importance of recognizing the foundation for our sexual ethic and honestly evaluating if that ethic is informed by scripture.

God has a perfect design for sex and intercourse, and that is in a heterosexual marriage. Teaching this to our children is critical. Living this out is imperative. We also need to explain to our children why we believe as we do, so that they can, in turn, lead others toward good things, not condemn them. We ought to be full of love, grace, compassion, care — even worry — and then reach out a helping hand and be patient for God to do His work in the lives of those we are serving, in His time, and in His manner. We are just called to be faithful. Your theology matters. Your beliefs about homosexuality matter.

 What does Scripture say about homosexuality?

There are five passages that specifically mention homosexuality, but these Scripture passages are quickly twisted and manipulated to mean something different from a traditional ethic. At this point using these passages for any debate or argument becomes difficult. What I personally choose to do is to stick to a biblical sexual ethic in a more general sense. Scripture clearly limits sexual relationships to one single place — between a man and a woman - within the committed marriage bed. There is no other place for genital sexual expression. This confirms a sexual ethic that answers questions about homosexuality. Genital sexual experiences are never permissible with the same sex.

 A biblical sexual ethic rests in scriptures such as these:

 Naked and Unashamed—Genesis 2:24–25

“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame” (NLT).

 Her Breasts—Proverbs 5:19:

“She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love” (NLT).

 Lust = Adultery—Matthew 5:28:

“But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (NLT).

 Become One Flesh—Matthew 19:4-6:

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (NIV).

 Remain Single—Better to Marry than to Burn — 1 Corinthians 7:8–9:

“Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (NIV).

 Sexual Immorality—Mathew 15:19:

“For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander” (NLT).

 Acts 15:19–20:

“It is my judgment, therefore, that we should not make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God. Instead we should write to them, telling them to abstain from food polluted by idols, from sexual immorality...” (NIV).

 1 Corinthians 6:18–20:

“Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body” (NLT).

 1 Corinthians 7:2–7:

“But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that” (NIV).

 Galatians 5:19–21:

“When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God” (NLT).

 Colossians 3:5:

“So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world” (NLT).

 1 Thessalonians 4:3–5:

“God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor—not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways” (NLT).

 Hebrews 13:4.

“Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery” (NLT).

Order my new book by clicking here: 

www.drcoreygilbert.com 

In this episode, Dr. Gilbert has his son Alex join him again as they continue to discuss the importance of having regular conversations with your children on the issues surrounding sexuality and the importance of being part of a healthy community.

Gilbert, C. (2019). I can't say that: Going beyond the talk: Equipping your children to make choices about gender and sexuality from a biblical sexual ethic. 

In this episode, Dr. Gilbert continues to discuss the importance of a biblical sexual ethic. The desire for love, intimacy, security and to be known are God-given desires, but they must be stewarded.

In years past, the church reacted to sexual choices that were outside of God’s design with criticism and anger, not redemption and compassion. A lot has changed over the years. One of the consequences of the church’s growth in compassion and understanding has been that young adults now increasingly believe that everyone should make up their own mind as to what makes them happy and embrace it — whatever it is.

The goal is that parents will be able to equip their children so that they can address these complicated issues with compassion, biblical truth, and a servant’s heart. My hope is that we will raise a generation that knows that the hope of the gospel is for everyone and the power of the gospel is that it transforms us all to be more like Christ.

 Order my new book by clicking here: 

www.drcoreygilbert.com

In this episode, Dr. Gilbert has his 9 year old daughter Mylie join him.  They discuss her interests and the journal that she has started sharing with her mom where they can ask each other questions and answer them.

Gilbert, C. (2019). I can't say that: Going beyond the talk: Equipping your children to make choices about gender and sexuality from a biblical sexual ethic. 

In this episode, Dr. Gilbert continues to address how we address the issues of femininity and gender. 

How would you define femininity and womanhood? Would your description include their bodies, personalities, actions, or character? Do you think of cooking and cleaning, pornography, empowerment, or something else? Your definition matters.

My goal is to expose some of your ways of thinking as a mom or dad about womanhood and femininity, so that you can lead with intentionality and forethought. Much of what occurs today in conversation about femininity is not well thought through and is reactionary. Some is abusive and offensive. I am saddened as a father and husband by the narrowing definition of identity centered on their body. The church’s definition has not been much better when it limits women with a strict definition linked solely to a woman’s role as wife, mother, and homemaker.

How do we counteract this as parents of daughters and sons who will be marrying one day?

Think about your own story and how the lies you were exposed to and believed impacted how you view God, yourself, sin, marriage, children, emotions, and your circumstances. We want out daughters’ foundational beliefs about themselves and their bodies to be based on TRUTH and not the lies she may be tempted to believe.

We should educate our daughters on the complexity of the endocrine system and that the food she eats, her exposure to toxins, and the fluctuating hormones in her body will affect her mood and outlook on life. She will battle addictions, anxiety, and the comparison trap.

Your daughter’s social connectedness is a powerful tool—and it can be both an asset and a liability. Each of our daughters were uniquely knit in their mother’s womb. Some are impulsive, and others are compulsive. Some lean toward sadness or anxiety. Preparing your daughter to know herself and providing her with the tools she will need is a critical part of raising a young woman into adulthood.

You have approximately ten years to speak into your daughter’s life as her primary influence.After that, life changes drastically. Our daughters are vulnerable and many of us are unwilling to engage in the hard conversations needed before they are twelve or fourteen. By the time they are in their pre-teen years, they are much more interested in what their peers and the media say than what you say.

It is never too late, but your tactics and approach MUST change after they reach the age of eleven, though this varies between children.

Over the years, what you have voiced as beautiful influences what she will see as beautiful. When you complain about your body, its shape, or that of your spouse, your daughter’s opinions are being formed.

This affects what they see as negative, unwanted, or unacceptable. The discussions you have driving around town influence them. Have you ever heard your child making a comment verbally that sounds offensive — even downright mean — yet you immediately realize that they are only repeating something they have heard you say? That’s painful. They are little sponges and mirrors. This is why the micro-conversations we have with them PRIOR to puberty matter more than almost any of the others we will have with them during their teenage years.

I tell my children, even before puberty, that they are their own person, make their own decisions, and, thus, are fully responsible for those decisions. This matters as we prepare them to bear the weight of more difficult decisions and their consequences.

If they forget to take something to school or camp, and you come bail them out, what are they learning? Are they learning responsibility, or that others will cover for them? Do we let small mistakes shape them, so they can avoid the larger ones down the road? 

Prepare a list of the character qualities and skills you want to see in your sons and/or your daughters when they leave your home.

List ideas for how to prepare your child to meet these goals.

Have a conversation with your son or daughter about what qualities they (and you) believe are important in themselves, their friends, and the opposite sex. What boundaries in dating need to be established before their heart is involved?

Order my new book by clicking here: 

www.drcoreygilbert.com

In this episode Dr. Gilbert has his oldest son, Alex, age 13, join him in discussing gender and modeling how to have these difficult conversations.

Gilbert, C. (2019). I can't say that: Going beyond the talk: Equipping your children to make choices about gender and sexuality from a biblical sexual ethic. 

In this episode, Dr. Gilbert addresses the responsibility we have to our children to address the critical issues of gender, homosexuality, and same-sex attraction from a biblical perspective with grace and compassion through micro-conversations.

Do you have a theology and framework — an understanding — that will allow you to share with your children the beauty and intricacies of masculinity, femininity, and gender?

Much of your children’s sexual ethic is established early on through observation of the world around them and personal experience. Be a source of intentional teaching and education for them.

I am not surprised by the gender questions that are filling the airwaves today. When most of us were growing up, some of these same questions were being asked by your peers or family who were beginning to buck traditional gender roles. 

First off, I want to clearly state that the idea of two genders — and only two genders — is not a mistake. It is by God’s design. What you believe about that will shape how you lead your child. We are born male or female. A small number of people are born with ambiguous genitalia and this creates a lot of difficulty for their parents and the young person in knowing who they are. These families need incredible support and biblical counsel. The decisions to be made are also never simple.

Others are clearly born either male or female and this is determined in the womb. How this plays out individually is a different story. How you personally relate to your masculinity or femininity matters. But even more important in our psyche is how we relate to the image of who we think we are supposed to be.

My personal development was filled with angst, confusion, frustration, and questions — with no answers. This led to disturbing self-beliefs and even hatred, and this is not uncommon. No one knew that I was struggling — I told no one. I’ve learned that as parents we need to engage in these conversations with our sons and daughters because they most likely will not bring it up on their own.

Our children need to know it is okay to process ideas they have heard elsewhere. You need to be a safe place for this to occur, or secure a safe place for them to ask these questions in a healthy biblical community, with a Christian counselor, or even a trusted mentor. Don’t do this alone, but remember that you are the one on the front lines with your children.

Where do these conversations start? With you. Do not wait for them to ask. Do not wait for them to bring it up.

Engage daily in micro-conversations that draw them to a healthy self-awareness, identity, and a biblical sexual ethic.

For many, when they think of masculinity, their experience leads them to associate it with negative stereotypes of foolishness or aggression. And it is right to challenge these stereotypes and their damaging expression in our sons.

What are your son and daughter being taught about masculinity in your home?

What can you do to intentionally teach your sons and daughters about masculinity?

The first thing we should do is teach them about pornography — its allure and danger. This is NOT a one-time conversation — rather, it is a thousand micro-conversations that plant the seeds and thoughts of an intentional ETHOS in our sons’ minds. If we do not have these micro-conversations, someone else will, if they are not already.

Limit video game play and encourage and reward real-world engagement.

Make sure they are employed as soon as they are legally able. Teach and model a healthy work ethic.

Encourage dreams, passions, and interests that promote them getting outside of themselves and into the lives of others. Video games are often a selfish escape to avoid relationships with others.

Teach them an ETHOS of time management, relationship engagement, and investment in others.

Dads — we need to be engaged with our children. We are the leaders, whether we want to be or not. Be a positive example in how you talk to and treat your wife. If you are a single mom or a mother parenting with a disengaged husband, you need to intentionally seek out healthy male role models for your son to spend time with.

So much of our children’s future is dependent on our sons having a healthy, biblically sound understanding of masculinity. It is NOT aggressive, but can be assertive when it needs to be. It is NEVER domineering, but is a servant leader.

Spend some time in prayer and studying Scripture for yourself to see the characteristics of a man that the Lord boasts of and teach and model these characteristics to your children.

Have micro-conversationsoften about the sort of man you hope he will be, or the sort of man you would want your daughter to partner with for life.

Order my new book by clicking here:

www.drcoreygilbert.com

Gilbert, C. (2019). I can't say that: Going beyond the talk: Equipping your children to make choices about gender and sexuality from a biblical sexual ethic. 

In this episode, Dr. Gilbert discusses how to talk with your teenagers about sex and sexuality.  He also discusses the crucial role of independence in your teenager's life.

If the teen years are entered into with complete freedom and no boundaries, there is a tremendous consequence to that child, their future, and society at large. If this stage of life and development is entered  into without the freedom to experiment and grow, they will also suffer consequences which, ironically, are often the same as the young person who had no boundaries.

Problems arise when parents fail to recognize and adjust for how their relationship with their child needs to change. They must be allowed more freedom and space to make choices. Every child is different and their unique needs and brain development will play into when this hits for your family, but be warned that it will come.

Adolescence does not have to be a nightmare. Paul David Tripp calls this life stage an “age of opportunity.” If this is true, why don't see those fruits? There are two key reasons that this might be the case: 

1. We continue parenting our teenager like we did when they were a nine-year-old.

2. We did not prepare them well. The truth is that in the pre-teen and teen years we are beginning to see the fruits of the kind of person who developed under our care.

By age eleven, most of our programming and beliefs are already set in place in our hearts. 

Puberty hits soon. Are they prepared for the changes? Help them enter that stage without fear and with anticipation, ready to be a young man or woman that will steward their bodies, sexuality, and gender well.

Through micro-conversations and the confidence they gain, your teen can become a leader among their peer group. It is natural at this stage of life for our children to begin pulling way away from us.  

Dating standards, rules, and a biblical sexual ethic must already be in place by this age.Your child should know what you believe and expect, but also have been allowed to express and test their own ideas.

What kind of husband or wife do they desire one day? This sounds like a crazy question, but remember, parenting as you did when they were younger is over; and we must change our approach with them and even our ways of leading, conversing, and guiding them.

The truth is that for most of our children, their peers and media will have a stronger influence on them than we will from this day forward. Does this scare you? It should. This is why all the previous conversations matter more than ever. Ironically, this is the age that most parents are beginning these conversations - “the talk” - and it is already too late.

Your son’s masculinity matters. How he expresses his masculinity, however, is as different and unique as he is. Stand ready to offer advice, perspective and encouragement for the man God created him to be when his masculinity is challenged by peers or society.

Your daughter’s femininity matters. How she uses, expresses, and lives out her femininity matters. She is unique. She needs permission to feel in her own way, express herself, find herself, and become the woman God created her to be.

Our sons and daughters need clear expressions and boundaries when it comes to gender, its expression and limits. They also need to know we love and care for others that are different than we are — male or female.  

All that happens now in your child’s life is an expression of all that you have invested in them up until now. If you have been intentional in their early years, then this stage of their life can be an amazing time of growth and maturity.

I am often asked, “How do we handle social media and technology with our children?”It is a quickly changing field and parents are being left behind in the dust. We have a responsibility though to prepare our children to steward this tool well. I have found that if I think of a smartphone (for example) as a tool and not a toy, it helps me to put it in its rightful place.

Today, the new sign of being grown-up is to have a smartphone. And just like a driver’s license put us behind the wheel of a powerful machine, the smartphone puts the world — the good and the bad — at our fingertips. Researchers are now reporting more and more ways that smartphones and other forms of technology are detrimental for our brains.

We need to model integrity for our children. Online tools have minimum ages and we should heed that at minimum. Many Christian families lie about their children’s birth year to give them access to tools they are not ready to have.

Purposefully decide what your child needs access to — and when they should have that access. Be able to articulate “why” to your teenager. I have known many adolescents who were forbidden access and kept completely away from all forms of technology and this strategy tends to NOT play out well.

What you watch, whether streaming or a movie, are key opportunities — tools for these micro-conversations. Dive in. Use pivotal, awkward scenes as the springboard for deeper micro-conversations. Discuss what happened between the characters. Ask if they have ever experienced something similar. Continue to prepare and build into the young adult in your home so that they can make decisions for themselves, and learn boundaries with movies and what they consume.

The key word for success is “stewardship.” We are responsible for our children, but the responsibility begins to shift to our teen as they prepare to leave the nest.

Our role is to provide guardrails that keep them on the road.

Remember the goal of parenting is NOT just protection, it is about preparation, and your child’s heart. 

Order my new book by clicking here:

www.drcoreygilbert.com