Healthy Married Life

We are on Part II of our series surrounding Seeking Wise Counsel to build a Healthy Marriage. In this episode we explore 3 kinds of counsel you should avoid, 4 kinds of counsel you should consider having, and 5 things to remember when choosing wise counsel for your healthy marriage. Remember, we are focused here just on Wise Counsel as it relates to your relationship with your Spouse.

The 3 types of counsel you should avoid (details on why explained in the episode):

1)  A person of the opposite sex, with the exception of a professional relationship – i.e. counselor, psychologist, lawyer, and clergy

2) Those going through a divorce

3) Family Members (there can be exceptions to this).

The 4 types of wise counsel to consider include:

1)  Wise counsel does not have to be comprised of people right in front of you.  It can start with books or podcasts – so if you are listening to this podcast, you are already on the right path.

2)  Professionals – Lawyers, doctors, psychologists, counselors, clergy

3) Positive role models – Get to know those couples that have been married for a long time and observe what they do right.  The Positive Role Model can also include an individual.  You want someone who has a good balance between faith, family and work

4)  Marriage groups and seminars.

Top 5 Things to consider when looking for wise counsel:

1. Ask someone outside of the situation.

2. Choose someone who has nothing to lose by telling you the truth.

3. Choose someone who is where you want to be in life.

4. Ask more than one person.

5. When you do meet with your wise counsel, ask direct questions:

– What is the wise things for me to do?

– What would you do if you were me?

– Do you know anyone else I could talk to about this situation?

– Can you recommend any books for me to read that may help me understand and deal with my situation.

I usually like to give the background of a podcast to put the message in some form of context. There were two things that inspired this series. One of our listeners had mentioned that she was on her third and her new husband on his second marriage and they had wanted to make their marriage work. She mentioned that she would like to get her husband listening to the podcast, but was not sure how. This got us thinking on this subject, but we did not have the time to really dig into it at the time she asked it.

Then, Andy Stanley’s recent series, Ask It, brought up an interesting point when it came to seeking the counsel of others. One of the thrusts of his message was don’t let your pride prevent you from listening to wise counsel.

At the end of the message, Tim (from my men’s group was sitting behind me) had commented that I probably see pride impacting people every day in my divorce practice, but oddly enough, I was not thinking about that. I was thinking about how I can apply the wisdom of the message to myself to make sure that I did not let pride bring me down. I was thinking about triggers to put in place to prevent pride from seeping in and blocking the wise counsel of others.

Tim’s comment, however, did bring back a flood of memories about former clients that have argued with me about the legal system and how their case is going to turn out, even though they have never been through a divorce themselves. Meanwhile, I, as a divorce lawyer, have been through thousands of divorces. They will often discount my advice because their emotions or their pride gets in the way. When pride gets in the way, they think that they had nothing to do with the demise of their marriage.

So, we began to think, what would be good advice to those who wish to improve their lives and marriages by seeking the wise counsel of others. We started to think about the why’s, when’s, what’s, and how’s associated with seeking out the advice of others to help grow your marriage or deal with a difficult situation in your marriage. With those thoughts, this Four Part Series was born.

Why four parts?

Seeking the counsel of others can be as harmful as it is helpful. We did not want to pack a ton of information into a single hour and not explore each aspect deep enough. We also don’t want people making the wrong decisions when it comes to seeking the advice of others. In my divorce practice, I have seen people clearly ignore problems, not seek the wise counsel of others, and then end up in my office. Then, there are others who have sought “counsel,” but the wrong kind. They either seek the counsel of a co-worker (and that “counsel” ultimately leads to an adulterous relationships), or they seek the counsel of people who are not in a good place to give wise counsel. In all these situations, the ultimate result is a divorce.

Part 1 – Why should you seek out the wise advice of others?

We are going to address this from two angles – the wisdom of the Ages and what modern science has shown us that actually supports the wisdom of the Ages.

Wisdom of the Ages

If you go back almost 3000 years ago, you will find King Solomon, who ruled over Israel from about 970 to 931 BC. He is widely considered one of, if not, the wisest man that ever lived. Kings from around the known world send emissaries with tremendous amounts of wealth to pay King Solomon for his wisdom. In many respects, he built an incredible amount of wealth from his wisdom. He wrote down some of his wisdom and shared it with us in Proverbs. Despite his incredible wisdom, he believed that seeking out the wise counsel of others was critical for the wise man. He wrote a number of passages in Proverbs on this very issue. Below is what he shared in Proverbs.

Proverbs 12:15 – The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But a wise man is he who listens to counsel.
Proverbs 11:14 – Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory.
Proverbs 13:10 – Through insolence comes nothing but strife, But wisdom is with those who receive counsel.
Proverbs 19:20 – Listen to counsel and accept discipline, That you may be wise the rest of your days.
Proverbs 24:6 – For by wise guidance you will wage war, And in abundance of counselors there is victory.
Proverbs 27:9 – Oil and perfume make the heart glad, So a man’s counsel is sweet to his friend.
Proverbs 15:31-33 – He whose ear listens to the life-giving reproof Will dwell among the wise. He who neglects discipline despises himself, But he who listens to reproof acquires understanding. The fear of the LORD is the instruction for wisdom, And before honor comes humility.

The irony of the above is that at one point in his life his Pride began to take over, and he stopped taking his own advice. His pride prevented him from seeking out the wise counsel of others, and the nation of Israel suffered as a result. While Israel arguable hit its height of glory during his reign, the end of his reign also began its downfall.

Even if you are not a religious person, you will still find others throughout history giving the same advice. For example:

• “Search well and be wise, nor believe that self-willed pride will ever be better than good counsel.” Aeschylus – Greek playwright and deep religious thinker from before 500BC –
• “Consult your friend on all things, especially on those which respect yourself. His counsel may then be useful where your own self-love might impair your judgment.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca – 4 BC – AD 65. He was a Roman Stoic philosopher, statesman, dramatist, and in one work humorist, of the Silver Age of Latin literature.
• “There is as much difference between the counsel that a friend giveth, and that a man giveth himself, as there is between the counsel of a friend and of a flatterer. For there is no such flatterer as is a man’s self.” Lord Francis Bacon – January 1561 – 9 April 1626, He was an English philosopher, statesman, scientist, jurist, orator, essayist, and author. He served both as Attorney General and Lord Chancellor of England. After his death, he remained extremely influential through his works, especially as philosophical advocate and practitioner of the scientific method during the scientific revolution.

I could go on with more examples from famous leaders in the past 300 years, but I think you get the point.

Modern Science

Flash-forward to today – Modern science has revealed many things that only support the wisdom of King Solomon some 3000 years ago.

In a recent episode of the show “Brain Games,” they gave real life examples (through games) of how our bodies handle stressful situations through bio-chemical reactions. In stressful situations, our brain can cause the release of cortisol and adrenaline which shuts off learning and short term memory sections of the brain. Under many circumstances, our brain cannot distinguish between someone yelling at us and a lion roaring at us. The bodies’ response to the stress of the situation is the same. As a result, the reasoning section of our brain can temporarily shut down. What this means is that if you are dealing with a stressful situation, you brain may be generating hormones that are limiting your ability to make a wise decision.

I recently read an interesting article called “What is Neuro-Literacy and Why Should You Care?” published in Family Lawyer Magazine and written by Pauline H. Tesler. The subtitle to her article was New brain science, positive psychology and neuroeconomics can transform your work in conflict resolution. To summarize the lengthy article, she said that there is a growing body of evidence that carried potentially revolutionary implications for our day to day work as lawyers, depicting a brain that is driven not by reason, but by emotion. Again, I am sure that everyone reading this can reflect back on a time when they made a rash ‘emotional and impulsive’ decision that they wish they had not. If they had decided to step back from the situation, they would have made a wiser choice.

One last example comes from Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. During his course, we learned that scientists have been studying the brain’s responses to certain purchases using an MRI. When people purchased items with a credit card, the pleasure centers of the brain actually registered. When people purchased items with cash, the pain centers of the brain actually registered in the thought process. What does this show us? Emotion influences our buying decisions possibly more than rational thought.

What does all this mean?

Ok, so some of you might be saying, “I understand that a bunch of dead, very wise men are telling me to seek wise counsel and modern science is telling me that my decisions are often controlled or influenced by ancient, bio-chemical responses, so what does that mean for me and my marriage. Are you saying that I should seek out wise counsel just because a bunch of wise, dead people told me to?”

Not exactly. Let me summarize with leaving you three simple reasons why you should seek wise counsel to help build a healthy marriage:

1. Wise Counsel is not blinded by your Pride.
Pride blinds us. All too often, pride can put us in a position that we are blinded by what is really happening around us. We tell ourselves that “I know what I am doing and I don’t need anyone else to tell me something that I don’t already know,” or “I am not doing anything wrong. This situation is all because my Wife will not (fill in blank). . . or my Husband refuses to (fill in blank) . . . “ Pride prevents you from self-examining your life and your marriage. Wise counsel can shine a light on that pride and open your eyes to potential problems you may be having in your relationship with your spouse. Your counsel will not be blinded by your pride.

2. Wise counsel does not get clouded by your emotions.
a. Emotion clouds our thinking.
b. Sorrow, depression, hate, anger will cloud your thinking. Those emotions can be caused by any number of things either in the marriage or outside the marriage, but they all will negatively impact your marriage.
c. Wise counsel is like a Lighthouse in the fog of emotion that makes it difficult to think.

3. Wise counsel is not overcome by your stress
a. Stress can prevent us from thinking or self-evaluating
b. That stress can come from inside the relationship or outside the relationship. Let’s say you are going through a rough time at work, and you bring that home to the children and your spouse. Your Wife points it out and you just ignore her or lash out at her. For whatever reason, you have a tough time accepting what is obvious to those around you.
c. Wise counsel can help you cope with the stress so it does not impact your relationship with your spouse.

Most have heard about how practicing gratitude can help change our outlook on a difficult situation. In this show, Leh and Stephanie talk about how that might look in a marriage and what it can do for your relationship.  

In this episode we want you to ask yourself (and your spouse) Are You a Safe Spouse?

In our last episode (Five Healthy Ways to Plan for the Busy Holiday Season) we discussed making sure that you left breathing room in your schedule to have what we call Couch time.  This is the time where you just sit on the Couch and talk with your spouse.  Ideally it would be something that is spontaneous and not something that is forced.

The subject came up because we had previously found couch time in the day and realized that it had been months since our last chance to have couch time.  During the episode, we asked the question of why we don’t do it more.  What is holding us back?    In trying to answer this question over the course of the past couple weeks, we realized that for some couples, it might be that one or both do not feel “safe” talking to their spouse, so they hesitate to have couch time.

That was part of the reason we decided to ask the following question in this episode:   Are you a Safe Spouse?

WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT?

Having the ability to freely share emotions in a vital part of a healthy marriage.  If you are afraid to tell your husband that something he said hurt your feelings because it will just set him off, that is unhealthy and will only lead you to visiting Leh’s office one day.  And for you first time listeners out there, in case you did not know, Leh is a divorce lawyer, who, by the way, hates divorce.  If you are afraid to tell your wife your hopes and dreams because you think she will laugh at you, that is likewise unhealthy and could lead him to telling his hopes and dreams to another woman.

Without safety, you will remain emotionally disconnected, which is never healthy.  It interferes with intimacy, it interferes with growing in a relationship (if you are not growing, you are dying), and it interferes with your ability to develop effective conflict resolution.  You want to be able to be completely honest about your fears, joy, pain, dreams, hopes for the future, etc.  You need to tell your spouse when they have said something that hurts their feelings, otherwise it will be like an open wound that you do not treat.  Open wounds usually become infected and can cause someone to die, just like your marriage can die.  

Much of the following information is directly from the Thrive, Building Stronger Marriages . . . Together by North Point Ministries, Inc. (http://marriedlifeonline.com/thrive/) Unfortunately, this material is not yet ready for sale or distribution to individuals or other churches.  But, North Point Ministries is in the process of making it available to others.

WHAT DOES A SAFE SPOUSE LOOK LIKE?

A Safe Spouse:

1)     Stays engaged and connected during conversations;

2)     Is patient with their spouse rather than prone to angry outbursts, fiery emotions, or defensiveness;

3)     Does not shut down, respond passively, or draw away from conversations;

4)     Does not interrupt, argue, or respond with contempt or sarcasm;

5)     Does not criticize another’s feelings, but is empathetic;

6)     Refuses to judge the motives of others and tries to give the benefit of the doubt;

7)     Makes the other person fell honored, valued, and understood; and

8)     Can be trusted to maintain confidentiality.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF TO HELP DETERMINE IF YOU ARE PROJECTING ‘SAFE SPOUSE’

Trust – Are you Trustworthy and do what you say you will?  Do you have 100% of your spouse’s best interests at heart, really?

Compassion – Do you make a concerted effort to understand your spouse?  Are you sensitive and respectful of their vulnerability?

Presence – Does your spouse have your undivided attention when you are talking?  Are you emotionally available when your spouse needs you?

In this episode we talked about 5 Healthy Ways to Plan for the Holiday Season.  But, the Healthy Tips we are giving do not necessarily have to do with eating healthy.

Before we get into the 5 tips, we need to give you some background as to why we are talking about this in September.

So at the time of recording this episode, it is  September.  Halloween is nearly six weeks away, Thanksgiving and Christmas 2 and a half  and 3 and  half months away respectively.  Why are we talking about the holiday season now? Because this is the season when we have the most going on.  In order to get accomplished what we want to get accomplished, we have to start now.

– In September, Cub Scouts is really starting to get into full swing, which means camping once a month, so there goes at least one weekend a month until December.

– We have volunteered to be a part of a marriage group called Thrive at our Church that will meet at our house every Sunday afternoon.  This Starts in September and runs until December.

– In October, we have Halloween, which Leh goes crazy for, and he has to plan out the Cubmobile event.  It is during this time that I start putting up my Christmas lights during this time as well.

– In November, we have Thanksgiving, and Leh has created a goal of having Stephanie’s Walnut Dining Room table ready to eat on by Thanksgiving.  During this entire month, we are trying to also set up the yard for the Christmas decorations so that we can turn on all the outside lights right after Thanksgiving (which we have never been able to do before).  While Leh works outside, Stephanie puts up most of the decorations inside the house.  We are trying to have our annual Christmas party much earlier.

– During Christmas, in addition to working on the Christmas lights, Leh is usually turning a number of pens and bottle stoppers for Christmas gifts.

– Leh is a partner in one of the largest family law firms in Georgia.  His December becomes busy at the end of the year because many Judges are trying to clear their docket of cases and many couples want their divorce finished by the end of the year.   To the extent it sounds like we are trying to brag, we apologize.  The message we are trying to convey is that we get very busy during the months of September, October, November, and December.  The only way it gets accomplished with through planning and cooperation between the two of us.  And, during this entire time, we never get mad or upset with each other.  Rather, we have a great time during this season.

– Oh yea, we also forgot about this podcast as well.  These

– Oh yea, I also forgot about this podcast as well.  These episodes take time to put together as well.

Is this too much to be involved in?  Maybe.  Could so many to do items on our list create a scenario that would be unhealthy in a marriage?  Absolutely.  I have seen couple’s marriages fall apart with far less on their plate.  That is why we were going to talk about this subject now, before everyone gets into full swing for the holidays.

We have come up with 5 tips to implement now.  For more information on what these tips mean, definitely listen to the podcast.

1) If you have not already, implement a calendaring system now.  Make sure that at least you and your spouse can both see the calendar.  We love a blend of digital and paper calendars.  Using the same iPhone account allows us to use the same calendar on the phone and know what the other is doing.

2) Put everything you can think of on the calendar.  Extracurricular activities. Family Traditions.  Plans to start new traditions.

3) Do your budget for the rest of the year, including Christmas/Hanuka gifts.  If you plan a trip, make sure you have budgeted for it.  If you plan something special, see if you can cut back expenses in October so you can pay cash for that special item rather than incurring debt that will only lead to stress in the new year.

4) After putting everything the calendar, sit back and look at it.  Decide if there is something that maybe you should eliminate from the calendar to create a little breathing room.  The breathing room gives you those moments where you can have a little ‘couch’ time.  That time to just sit on the couch and talk to your spouse about any ol’ thing.  It is not something that you necessarily want to schedule, because then it seems a little to regimented.  Leave room to really just enjoy sitting around a fire with the family talking about ‘old’ times.  Or talking about item number 5.

5) Now that you have created some room.  See if you can create a little more to think about how you could do the following three important things between Christmas and Thanksgiving:

a) Extend goodwill – Try to bring a little joy to those around you (Leh does this with his Christmas lights)

b) Give to Charity or Serve in some charitable fashion.  Serving to those in your community is so powerful and gives you an amazing feeling.  It helps you to be grateful for what you have and generates amazing “good” feeling that you are your spouse (not to mention the children) can share together.

c) Extend grace to someone that you have had issues with in the past.  It does not matter if they return the Grace.

In this Episode, Leh and Stephanie explore laughter in a healthy marriage.  What are seven simple things you can do to keep laughter in a your healthy marriage and what are the six times you should avoid humor in your relationship.

In the first episode, Stephanie and Leh introduce themselves and discuss why they have chosen to start this podcast.