Find the full transcript of this episode at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/2.

As a divorced mom, you certainly have to face some of the most difficult times of your life. Early on, every choice you have to make feels so heavy because you really don’t know what you’re doing. 

If you’re like me, you worry that you haven’t thought of something, or that you missed a salient detail or maybe you even start descending into a rabbit hole of worst case scenarios for all the decisions you do make.

As a newly divorced mom, you need to figure stuff out like where you’re going to live, how much money you need to make, how to protect your kids as best you can, how to divide up assets and how you’re going to co-parent with your ex. You may even be having to deal with mediators and lawyers and court dates – and you’re supposed to do all of this stuff while in this heightened emotional state!

You know that advice we’ve all heard a million times: don’t go to the grocery store when you’re hungry. It makes sense because if you do, your food decisions move away from the healthy produce section and into the indulgent cookie aisle … 

Similarly, making big decisions during your divorce at a time when you’re particularly stressed and anxious is not a good idea. But in a cruel twist of fate, you often don’t have a choice – a lot of these pivotal decisions HAVE to be made shortly after splitting up regardless of whether or not you are in an emotionally stable place.

And the decisions can feel never-ending. Every time you figure something out, five more things pop up. Or maybe, figuring things out takes way longer than it needs to because your ex just won’t agree or keeps moving the goal posts.

So, how do you get through this?

How do you find the energy to get up every day and do it all over again: read more emails, have more negotiations and attend more meetings, all while meeting the emotional and physical needs of your kids?

How do you ground yourself when a life that has some semblance of equilibrium and peace feels entirely out of reach?

During those moments, and there were many, I would say to myself: This too shall pass. 

Now, I know this may sound too simple, so simple it almost makes you go, well of course it will, Sheryl. But, remember that is you cognitively responding to it in this moment as you listen to me. Consider it at the height of emotional charge, moments when you don’t think you can make one more decision, meet with one more lawyer, go to court one more time or view one more possible apartment rental, this mantra can really help.

It honours your difficult feeling in them moment, then offers the comfort of the future when it will have passed.

When you need to get through another day, a day that feels a lot like yesterday did and feels a lot like what tomorrow will be, close your eyes, take a breath and say to yourself: this too shall pass. 

Trust yourself and trust that this season of your divorce will pass. Divorce can bring on so many emotions, particularly pain as we grieve the loss of the life we had and the future we thought would be but remember, as the chaplain said, life will never be the same again, but you won’t always feel like you do right now. 

 Use these words to find comfort and a sense of groundedness and levelheadedness as you wake up once again tomorrow to take on another day, make the best choices you can and be the

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Find the full transcript for this episode at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/1.

Not only do we have to figure out what to say to our kids when they talk about their big goals and dreams that sound impossible to us, we have to do it while running up against outdated beliefs about how to get there. This is particularly true for our daughters.

As moms, we need to resist these outdated beliefs and start talking to our kids early about how THEY are at the helm of their ship. They do not need someone else and being in a relationship is truly a choice, not a necessity.

As their mom, share ideas and tools and strategies – even just them KNOWING that their mom truly believes they can get what they want without the help of a partner will move them in that direction despite other influences they will encounter and that you can’t control.

So, when your kids bring up dreams for their future, embrace it, even if it’s hairbrained. Use it as an opportunity to learn more about them and talk about how they go about achieving it, in an age-appropriate way of course – you can’t talk to your 5-year-old like you talk to your 16-year-old. 

 Ask them questions. Get them to expand and be genuinely curious, even if they idea sounds impossible to you. Make it totally normal to want big, crazy things. Use language like:

• That is really interesting. Tell me more.
• Wow, what an impressive idea. Where did you get the inspiration for that?
• I wonder if the library has any books on that – I’d love to learn more.

 As they get older and are getting closer to making tangible decisions about where to live or careers to have or schools to enroll in or places to travel, dig a little deeper:

•  Who do you know who’s already doing this? 
• I wonder if you could talk to them and see if they have any insights.
• So, what do you think is the next step on making this happen?
• What do you need to know right now to move you towards this?

I have learned that as soon as we, as parents, look down on these types of things, nothing good comes out of it. Children don’t feel heard or supported or can feel dumb for bringing it up or grow up believing they can’t do more. 

Looks for ways to support, like the bumpers on the bowling lane; not a blockade in the middle of it. If the ball veers off track, the bumpers gently guide the ball back to the middle of the lane, often more than once, before it reaches the pins.

Bumpers sound like genuine curiosity. Starting with the words “I wonder…” is a beautiful tool. You can sneak suggestions in this way without sounding like you are telling them what to do – it fosters little redirections or paths to consider, not criticism.

• I wonder how people get started on that career path.
• I wonder who we know that may have travelled there – maybe they know the best places to go.
• I wonder what the best websites are for this stuff.

And maybe your kids go forward and flop anyway. Maybe they don’t knock down any pins when they throw those first few bowling balls downs the lane. That’s ok. It never feels good when your kid fails but it really is ok. The bowling balls always come back and you get another shot. And with every shot, you get better. You hit the bumpers less and eventually, you don’t need the bumpers. You start knocking down pins and maybe even getting strikes. 

But without those bumpers

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Hi, I’m Sheryl and I’m a mom, coach and domestic abuse survivor. 

Let me start by saying – I have been where you are and I get it. But let me back up a little and tell you a bit about how I got here. 

After leaving an abusive marriage in 2016, I thought I would be signing some papers and moving on. What I didn’t know then was with an abusive marriage comes a high-conflict divorce. 

A high-conflict divorce is not just about gathering a few tax returns, figuring out the Christmas rotation and deciding who’s taking the kids to the dentist. There is so much more.

I needed to understand my co-parent’s mindset and why he does what he does.

I had to learn how to talk to legal professionals in a way that explained what I was experiencing without getting triggered. 

I had to look after my health. Every. Single Day. 

I had to change my expectations of what my co-parenting relationship would be like. 

And I had to learn how to sift through the trauma and distractions of the post-separation abuse in order to focus on what mattered most to me, which was my kids.

With my background in health and fitness, having worked in the legal industry for 10 years, my coaching certification and my personal struggle through divorce, this show will have honest conversations about high-conflict divorce, post-separation abuse and co-parenting through it all to raise happy, healthy kids.

Episodes will offer practical tools and mindset shifts so that moms can see clearly what they’re dealing with, understand the family court system and legal side of divorce, prioritize their health and learn how to communicate with their co-parent and so they can focus on what matters most: showing their kids what safe, healthy relationships look and feel like.

So grab a cup of coffee and join me every week while we wade through the murky waters of high-conflict divorce and co-parenting while we prioritize our health because in the end, it’s about what’s best for the kids and healthy moms raise healthy kids.

Welcome to the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast. 

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