Heartfelt Marriage

“Be honest, brutally honest. That is what’s going to maintain relationships.” This “bad marriage advice” quote is attributed to Lauryn Hill, a singer/songwriter.

I want to ask Ms. Hill a couple of questions: Which do you enjoy the most, Ms. Hill, the brutality or the honesty? Also, Ms. Hill, when you’re on the receiving end of brutal honesty, which draws you closer to your critic, the brutality, their ruthlessness, and harshness, or is it their honesty?

In most marriage relationships, most of the time, brutal honesty is NOT a good idea.

When you are brutal, it means you are cruel, course, and ferocious. Those are the words we use to describe a lion’s attack on a young antelope or an organized dogfight.

People who are brutally honest are out to hurt not heal, to punish not pardon, and to polarize not harmonize. And they practice their art under the guise of being honest.

Listen to Dr. Ross’ insights concerning this bad marriage advice. The podcast is less than 9-minutes long.

A recently divorced husband or wife says, “I don’t know what happened, he (or she) just blew up, screamed like a howling monkey, and stalked out the door. In a few weeks I got a registered letter from an attorney, and a few months later we were in divorce court.” 

One (and maybe both) people in that relationship kept score of all the bad stuff that happened between them. That is the kind of scorekeeping someone means when they advise a married couple, “Don’t keep score.” and of course, they are giving good advice as keeping a record of wrongs deteriorates any relationship.

There is a right way to keep score, and that’s what Dr. Ross wants you to learn to do. He wants you to unlearn the idea of keep score of the bad things that happen and instead learn the optimistic, constructive, and love-lifting way to keep score in your marriage.

Listen to this 10-minute podcast and learn to keep score of what’s good.

There is a never-ending supply of advice for married couples – some of it is very bad.

Here are a few examples:

“If your relationship is in trouble, have a baby. It always makes everyone cheer up and be happy.”

Uhhhh no. A pregnant woman with morning sickness followed by a crying newborn baby with colic does not make either father or mother cheer up and be happy.

This piece of genius advice no doubt came from a man. He said, “Sex should always, 100% of the time, be mind-blowing and transcendent. If it’s not – even once – immediately get a divorce.”

Three responses to that advice: it’s not only physically impossible to achieve, it is offensive and down-right stupid.

For the next few weeks, Dr. Ross deals with commonly given bad marriage advice. You’re not going to want to miss any of them.

Perhaps the most frequently given bad advice is NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY. There are three problems with that advice – that’s the subject of this week’s Podcast!

By 8:00 pm that night the pain around my heart had increased substantially. I figured it was one of those gas bubbles created by the extra-bacon BLT I made myself a few hours earlier.

Problem was, it kept getting worse. I changed sitting positions, swallowed some antacids, took a short walk, drank a couple of glasses of lukewarm water, and more. No relief, so I took a couple of more antacids and drank another glass of water. Put on my PJs and watched some TV.

Problem was, it kept getting worse.

When you’re married, there are a variety of pains you encounter – some are physical and some are emotional. In this podcast, Dr. Ross talks about a recent trip to the ER. He went that night because he thought he was having a heart attack. Hear his story and explanation of how the pain he felt in his chest wasn’t as bad as the pain he still feels in his heart.

My wife, Amy, loved flowers. Every spring she bought a variety of potted plants and decorated our front porch and yard with beautiful blooming flowers. There was something I noticed about this – those flowers were beautiful, but they took a lot of work, a lot of watering and feeding and nurturing.

Your marriage is no different than that porch-full of potted plants – your marriage can be beautiful, but it takes a lot of work, a lot of watering and feeding and nurturing.

In this week’s podcast, Dr. Ross talks about watering, feeding and nurturing your marriage so it will not be a BLAMING OR A BORING MARRIAGE. It is part 3 of his “Three Kinds of Marriage” presentation he made at Southeast Christian Church in Parker, Colorado (www.SoutheastCC.org).

Boredom in marriage can be the most dangerous and insidious problem you face. Boredom can cause your mate to look somewhere else for passion, delight, or excitement, and there is nothing more exhilarating than an illicit extra-marital affair.

Why? Because it is anything but boring. It is passionate and hot-blooded and seductive. The root-word for seductive is "seduce." To seduce means “to lead astray,” “to corrupt.” It is easy to be seduced if you are in a boring marriage.

This podcast is Part 2 of a presentation Dr. Ross made at Southeast Christian Church in Parker, Colorado, titled, “Three Kinds of Marriage.” The podcast is ten minutes long.

NEXT WEEK: Part 3: The BLOOMING Marriage!

“Three Kinds of Marriage” is a presentation Dr. Ross made at Southeast Christian Church in Parker, Colorado. This podcast is part one of that presentation, “a blaming marriage.”

 You will know you have a blaming marriage if most of your disagreements and battles begin or end with, “If only….” 

• Our marriage would be better if only … Finish the sentence.
• Our sex life would be more frequent if only … Finish the sentence.
• Our finances would improve if he would only … Finish the sentence.
• Our kids would get better grades if only the teachers would … Finish the sentence.
• I would have gotten that promotion at work if only my boss … Finish the sentence.

Lots of times these “if onlys” have a measure of truth in them, but most of the time they are excuses for our own missteps, our own bad attitudes, our own blunders.

Blaming marriages are not happy marriages. You want a happy marriage, right? Then listen to this podcast; it is less than ten minutes long.

As a preschooler, I was shocked to discover the world did not revolve around me! It took me awhile, but when I finally learned the rules of relationships my life got a lot better. I was happier, and so was everyone around me!

Is it possible you still have some of that preschooler mentality that YOU are the center of the universe, and all of God’s creation is here to serve you? I have news for you: you’re not, and they’re not.

Every relationship has rules – including marriage relationships, and including YOUR marriage relationship. You can have the happy marriage you long for if you and your mate follow some simple yet profound relationship rules!

In this podcast, Dr. Ross reveals his “The Ten Commandments of Marriage” based on his 52-years and 4-months love affair with his wife. Listen in and let him know what you think about this brief (less than 9 minutes), but helpful podcast.

Email Dr. Ross your responses: [email protected]

Wives, you probably already know this, but men are soooo easy to please it’s almost embarrassing to have a podcast on the subject, right? Well, most husbands most of the time.

Listen to this podcast for proof and some easily employed and low-cost “small moves” that will make that hero you’re married to smile and smile and smile!

Husbands, suggest gently to your princess that you sit down and listen to Dr. Ross to see if he knows what he’s talking about!

Husbands, here’s a secret about women you need to know: they are easier to please than you think.

Listen to this podcast for proof and some easily employed and low-cost “small moves” that will make that princess you’re married to smile and smile and smile!

Wives, tell Bubba to sit down and listen, and you’ll both be happier.

Then tune in next week for part 2 of this “small moves” theme when I talk to the wives.