Hearth and Homeschool

The heat is creeping towards 100 degrees today, so ice cream sounds like a good idea.

It could have been a good idea if my toddler had gotten her nap. Instead, we are out and about with my aunt, wandering up and down the blocks of quaint Old Town. She offers us this cool treat, and my daughter’s eyes go big and round when she sees its size.

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This is the story of how potty training my daughter turned out to be a challenging and revealing experience for both of us. I invite you to join me in reflecting on the anxiety and emotions that can arise when we face something new and difficult, and how we can help ourselves and our children cope.

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“Watch me, Mommy!”

This is the single line of the chorus I hear all day long. Whatever task I am occupied by matters little to my daughter who burns to show me her latest accomplishment. From basketfuls of laundry and sinks full of dishes, I avert my gaze to behold new dances, record-breaking leaps, watercolor masterpieces, and puzzles completed. I wrestle with the need to finish what I’m doing and the desire to be present to her.

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“I hate you. I hate you!” my daughter screams from behind her door. Her words cut me, but this is hardly the first tantrum that we’ve weathered. I stand outside, deaf to the sound of kicks and screams. They used to break me inside; familiarity has numbed their sting. 

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"Book!" says my toddler as he hobbles along, dragging a board book behind him. I take it from him and gather him onto what's left of my lap, shrinking away as the new baby grows within it. He smiles and bounces excitedly - his way of letting me know that I'm getting it right. This is how he gets my attention, by pressing himself into my hands. He insists. 

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It’s December 27th and the house is as quiet as the snow that silently blankets everything outside of our windows in the predawn blackness.

The only light in the room glows from our Christmas village where it sits merrily on the mantle, high above greedy fingers whose enthusiasm threatens to crack its delightfully delicate rendition of an idyllic Christmas. The sight the villagers look down upon, however, is another story. 

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I can’t visit her. I’m taking care of two kids and I’m pregnant. It’s too far, I brush the thought away, and she probably wouldn’t want the company anyway. 

But you did. 

You traveled through your morning sickness to Elizabeth’s side. Quickly. Did you visit because it was her time of need, or yours?  

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My first birth tore me open. For a month, I could barely shift positions, let alone walk and care competently for our colicky newborn. I was still taking heavy painkillers to dull the pain, and the weight of failure hung around me. My daughter wouldn’t stop crying and my body was so broken that I could barely hold and walk her through it. That wasn’t the worst part though. 

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My toddler loves dandelions. He wanders to them, one after the next, gathering their wispy heads close to his lips. Sometimes the seeds stick to his wet lips as he tries to scatter them with his breath, to blow and spread their wild beauty on the breeze. He delights in this simple act: gather and spread, gather and spread. 

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My daughter’s skin is all patches of pink. It cracks from dryness, little rivers of red flowing where her fingernails have etched tiny scratches. I feel the pain of her eczema in my own body. I ache to offer her some relief, to apply the salve I know will lessen her discomfort. She cowers behind the toilet in tears, terrified of my touch. To her, it doesn’t mean healing. It’s the unknown. These creams have burned and itched in the past; she isn’t going to trust me now. 

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