I recently received a question via email – [email protected] – and as I was answering it, I though maybe there are other parents who are struggling with the same thing.

A bit of context – I had spent five days in Michigan teaching about Tech Safe Kids.  Day 1 was focused on Raising Life Ready Kids.  The main idea for that section is that our kids need to prepare while home for the most important life skills including meeting new people, negotiation, decisions making, time prioritization and planning.  The question I received is in this context.

Here is a summary of the question.   “My 9 year old daughter tends to get into “impossible solution” scenarios.  It’s been an issue for awhile and we’re not entirely shure how to overcome them.  She gets frustrated with a situation and then shuts down completely.  If we offer her solutions to help overcome the situation then she shoots holes in the suggestions, gets angry but is unwilling to solve things.   She’s quits trying to solve the program and plays the victim”

I answer the question as best I can on this episode of the podcast but I’ve also included my notes for those that prefer to read rather than listen.

The Big Picture

Be careful not to make this about you.  It will feel like a personal attack but she is actually reacting to something else and taking it out on you.  She is feeling week and wanting to feel better.  She is most likely feeling confused and scared and you happen to be the easiest target.  Many families have a person who is the scapegoat and easily blamed for problems.  For many families it is the mom.  Just because it’s normal doesn’t make it right or good.

We also are a generation of arm chair quarterbacks and coaches.  We question other peoples decisions and actions all the while insulated from the actual actions.  We say what we would have done, should have done . . . yet we haven’t moved or even dared to place ourselves in that vulnerable position.  A key for us as parents is to be careful not to model this sort of thing.  We need watch our words and attitudes about others who are making decision and seek empathy and compassion rather than judging other people.

There also is a tendency with kids to “Horabalize” things.  Yes, that is a made up word but the idea is valid.  We tend to obsess about all the reasons something won’t work out.  We have found a lot of teens are helped when they realize they are horablizing rather than solving problems.

Getting back to your daughters emotions.  She is feeling week, insecure and inadequate in making a decision which is leading her to disengage quit trying.  The more she thinks about the decision the worse she feels.  At the same time, she feels powerful when tearing down ideas and making others look dumb or foolish.  This combination simultaneously hurts her and her relationships.

What I like seeing in this question is that mom is doing the right thing but allowing her daughter to struggle with decision making.  It would be easier to avoid all this chaos but not allowing her to make decisions but that would result in dependence rather than independence.

What our kids need

Decision making is not an innate skill . . . that means none of us are born with it. We have to learn it.  Kids who never are thought to make decision tend to become easily overwhelmed, impulsive, selfish or turn to victim thinking.

I wrote a blog called, “Decisive without being impulsive” based on book by Chip and Dan Heath called Decisive.  They list four aspects that influence poor decisions making