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We continue our series of podcasts exploring vulnerabilities.  Our vulnerabilities are being exploited by technology, marketing and people who don’t have our best interest in mind. As parents, we want to protect our kids from being exploited which is a good thing.  However, what if we helped them reduce their vulnerability?  Wouldn’t that be a better help?

Last episode (Read/Listen) was all about Loneliness and how that is exploited.

This episode we are going to focus on people pleasing.  One of the difficulties with people pleasing is that it is very socially acceptable to be a people pleaser.  It also isn’t always a problem with the behavior but has much more to do with what is fueling the behavior.  For example, it’s good to do the dishes, volunteer at church, let someone go first.  All of these are great if you are doing them for healthy motivation.  These same things can also be done just to please other people, avoid conflict, or try to prove we are valuable.

My Story

I should make you listen () but I admit in this episode that I struggle with people pleasing.  I justify my people pleasing saying:

* I’m just being kind

* I’m being politically wise

* I’m being spiritually mature

* I’m being a good son

* I’m being a good friend

* I’m being a good employee (in my case boss)

All these things are “good” but what taints them is that I’m doing them for the wrong reasons for wanting to be accepted or feeling a lack of confidence.

It also is important to note that while the behavior of people pleasing can look very similar, the underlying reasons for being a people pleaser can vary.

For some, it’s looking for acceptance or desperately wanting to fit in.  For others, it’s because of mistreatment.  A child that has had an abusive or erratic parent can struggle with assuming responsibility for the mistreatment or abuse. These kids often think they could prevent drinking or abuse by saying the right thing or just keeping things calm. A child from a home with a parent who rages works hard to eliminate anything that would enrage the parent.  While people pleasing may work in the short term to lessen some mistreatment, it doesn’t last and ends up becoming a problem in other settings.

Finally, people pleasing really is nice for us as parents because those kids tend to be easier to raise (in the short term).  People pleasing kids mostly do what they are told and often can be corrected with just a “look.”  Dr. Meg Meeker in her book, “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” tells the story about a dad that came to see her because his daughter had become very rebellious, her grades were plummeting and she only wanted to be with her boyfriend who wasn’t treating her well.  He couldn’t understand how his daughter changed from a good girl, getting good grades, compliant at home and attending church to this new girl.  Dr. Meeker shared with him that nothing had changed in the girl except her authority.  Dad no longer held that position, the new boyfriend did.  His daughter was a people pleaser which had worked out fine until she was no longer interested in pleasing dad and was more interested in pleasing someone else who didn’t have her best interest in mind.

How do you know if you or your child is a people pleaser?

There are several online “tests” which can help.  Most are a list of questions and if you answer yes to most of them, you probably need to explore more about people pleasing.

Listen to this section: 

Psychology Today – 10 Signs You’re a P...

All of us have vulnerabilities.  While some vulnerabilities are common, each of us have unique vulnerabilities which make it harder for us to resist certain things or people.

As I teach parents about things like pornography addiction, I get parents that are focused on filters and at what age to allow kids access to the Internet or a cell phone.  While these are important considerations, I rarely get a question about how to identify and reduce our kid’s vulnerability to things like pornography or damaging relationships.

Even though I’m not asked about vulnerabilities, I’d believe we best help our kids when we help shield their vulnerable areas while simultaneously helping heal their vulnerability so it is now an area of strength.  This is both defense and offense based on our individual child’s needs.

This is the first in a series of podcasts exploring vulnerabilities that our kids and us as adults have that are being exploited.

I use vulnerability with the idea that it is a part of us that  is open to assault and difficult to defend.  The assaults I’m talking to aren’t physical but emotional.

What makes certain areas of our life more vulnerable?

* Some of it we are born with – certain people are more genetically vulnerable.  An example is how genetics affects how the body processes alcohol.

* Some vulnerability is from trauma.  Where we’ve been hurt, if not completely healed becomes a weak spot that can be exploited.  A common wound that ends up getting a lot of people in trouble is a father wound.

* Vulnerability from our appetites – If you’ve never smoked you won’t craving for nicotine

* Vulnerability from unmet needs.

Why I focus on vulnerabilities is that we live in a world where we are constantly being manipulated, some more obviously than others.

* Candy in the checkout line – our vulnerability from self-restrain fatigue

* Autoplay on youtube and netflix exploit our curiosity and self-control

The goal isn’t to simply talk about vulnerability but to instead focus on healing vulnerabilities and building defenses.

This episode focuses on loneliness

* 1 in 5 Americans suffers from persistent loneliness (Fortune)

*  Psychologist at BYU and the University of Utah found that Social isolation (actual and perceived) may be more deadly than obesity – increasing a person’s chance of premature death by 14% – near double the risk of early death from obesity

* Another study found that lacking social connections is a comparable risk factor for early death as smoking 15 cigarettes a day (Campaign to End Loneliness)

First – Loneliness is a feeling… a signal that alerts us of a need.  Learn more about feelings from Marc Schelske.  It doesn’t necessarily signal that we need to be around people. Brenne’ Brown talks about “That lonely feeling” that can easily happen when we are in a large group.  The best response could be a bit of time on our own to recharge. It also could mean that we are seeking deep rather than superficial connection.

If the signal doesn’t get a response – loneliness tends to transition into depression – a place where action is very difficult.

Second – Loneliness is much about perception.  People become more discontent and feel isolated when they perceive that others are more connected or stable.  It’s easy to thin “I’m the only one…”

Finally, loneliness vulnerability to identify because we tend to dismiss it easily looking for another solution.

* How could I feel lonely when I’m with people all ...

My guest today is Barry Ham. We recorded this podcast this past September while attending American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC.net) conference in Nashville. The sound isn’t great but the conversation was fantastic.

Many of you that have listened for a while will know Barry joined us back in October 2015 to record, “Getting Your Marriage Unstuck.”  That interview focused on his last book focused on helping couples.  Proior to that he wrote, “God Understands Divorce.”

You can learn more about his books and counsleling at his website ifitherapy.com

A bit of formal Dr. Ham is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has been working professionally helping individuals and couples for over 35 years. He and his wife Andee make their home in Colorado Springs, CO. His wife Andee is an educational consultant who has spent over 25 years in as a school educator. She has extensive training and experience with Special education.

This conversation with Barry focuses on his new book, “Living on Purpose” which just came out in December. As you’ll hear in the interview, I was able to read a pre-release copy and was thrilled to provide an endorsement for this book.

Here are some highlights from the interview:

Why it took Barry over 30 years to write this book.

Why begining with God is such a key to this book.  

Barry discusses how self-discovery is not limited to the young and infact may be a key to later life impact. 

Second foundation – other people matter.

Chuck detours into a rant about parents teaching kid to find “The One”  

Barry shares the importance of action in determining your purpose.  

What Barry hopes you take away from this book.

How to use this book as a parent and with your kids.  

Best way to purchase book – Livingonpurpose.net (Signed and Discounted)

Relationships Tip Tuesday:  Send Barry and email asking to sign up.  Email

No picture! – I meant to get one of us together but then we started talking again and forgot…

Upcoming Events

* January 18-20 – Billings Montanta – Billings Seventh-day Adventist Church – Long weekend focused on “Raising Tech Safe Kids” – Learn More

* January 26-27 – Hayden, ID – Anthem Church – Friday & Saturday – “Raising Tech Safe Kids” – Learn More

* March 2-3 – Seattle, WA – Refresh Conference – Foster and Adoptive Parent Conference – I’ll be there as a breakout speaker as well as resource.  – Learn More

There comes a point when the emotional tools we have no longer get the job done. Working with at-risk teens we often see kids who survive trauma using coping mechanisms but as they get older, these same things that helped them survive start to turn against them. Kids in alcoholic homes many times learn ways to avoid chaos through lying, manipulation or escapism. These work for a while but become ingrained habbits that used even after the threat is gone. The self-protection now hurts rather than helps.

When I became a parent I needed new tools, not just to survive with less sleep but also to process increasingly emotional situations. Adding more kids into the family required me to become better at conflict management. All the while, I’ve grown in responsibility at work which requires more from me.

What I’ve seen personally and in the work we do at Project Patch is that emotional maturity is one of the most important and difficult tasks in life.  It also is one of the most undervalued and misunderstood.

I’ve known my guest for this episode of the podcast for many years. Marc Schelske and I worked together at summer camp, attended several years of college together and were colleagues when I pastored. Marc made a strong impression on me as someone who is very passionate about Jesus, music, and people.  I’d lost connection with Marc until about four years ago when we met for lunch. Marc shared some projects he was working on including a book. He kept working and on September 1, 2017 you can hold a book which captures this significant journey.

A bit of formal introduction, Marc is a writer, speaker, hobbyist theologian, recovering fundamentalist, tea drinker and motorcycle rider. He is a husband and dad to two kids. He is the teaching elder at Bridge City Community Church in Milwaukie (Portland) Oregon.

His book, “The Wisdom of Your Heart” is coming out September 1, 2017. He sent me a free pre-release copy and I was absolutely hooked from page one to the end. I’ve been on a personal journey about emotion and this book has taken me to a whole new level.

Listen now:

During this episode, we discuss the following topics:

Marc shares about how he ended up in a place in which his emotional tools were no longer sufficient for obstacles he was facing –

We talk about how we outgrow tools that once served us. The idea of how as more is demanded of us, without emotional maturity we end up in place of desperation and separation.  –

How we can be devoted, hard working, well intentioned yet still harm –

Marc shares some of the blocks that kept him from originally gaining emotional understanding. –

* Fear that emotions could sway right thinking

* Fear that emotions could sway commitments

* Trauma – situations that are out of our control can cause us to become more controlling to prevent pain from happening

* Emotions feel out of control

* The message that the more spiritually mature you are, the more rational and reasonable you become

* Emotions aren’t safe or trustworthy so we need to escape from them

Marc shares his thoughts on the rise of depression and anxiety as well as people pleasing and perfectionism –

March teaches on emotion of fear

March shares the need for us to teach kids about emotions –

Truthful conversations about emotions don’t happen because parents really want their kids to be happy and kids really want their parents to be pleased with them –

How Marc came to understand that emotions are a legitimate signal and response that we have in order to serve us-

* Emotions give us a piece of important information

* Emotions provide motivation to make a change

Marc explores emotions in the context of Christian teaching –

I recently received a question via email – [email protected] – and as I was answering it, I though maybe there are other parents who are struggling with the same thing.

A bit of context – I had spent five days in Michigan teaching about Tech Safe Kids.  Day 1 was focused on Raising Life Ready Kids.  The main idea for that section is that our kids need to prepare while home for the most important life skills including meeting new people, negotiation, decisions making, time prioritization and planning.  The question I received is in this context.

Here is a summary of the question.   “My 9 year old daughter tends to get into “impossible solution” scenarios.  It’s been an issue for awhile and we’re not entirely shure how to overcome them.  She gets frustrated with a situation and then shuts down completely.  If we offer her solutions to help overcome the situation then she shoots holes in the suggestions, gets angry but is unwilling to solve things.   She’s quits trying to solve the program and plays the victim”

I answer the question as best I can on this episode of the podcast but I’ve also included my notes for those that prefer to read rather than listen.

The Big Picture

Be careful not to make this about you.  It will feel like a personal attack but she is actually reacting to something else and taking it out on you.  She is feeling week and wanting to feel better.  She is most likely feeling confused and scared and you happen to be the easiest target.  Many families have a person who is the scapegoat and easily blamed for problems.  For many families it is the mom.  Just because it’s normal doesn’t make it right or good.

We also are a generation of arm chair quarterbacks and coaches.  We question other peoples decisions and actions all the while insulated from the actual actions.  We say what we would have done, should have done . . . yet we haven’t moved or even dared to place ourselves in that vulnerable position.  A key for us as parents is to be careful not to model this sort of thing.  We need watch our words and attitudes about others who are making decision and seek empathy and compassion rather than judging other people.

There also is a tendency with kids to “Horabalize” things.  Yes, that is a made up word but the idea is valid.  We tend to obsess about all the reasons something won’t work out.  We have found a lot of teens are helped when they realize they are horablizing rather than solving problems.

Getting back to your daughters emotions.  She is feeling week, insecure and inadequate in making a decision which is leading her to disengage quit trying.  The more she thinks about the decision the worse she feels.  At the same time, she feels powerful when tearing down ideas and making others look dumb or foolish.  This combination simultaneously hurts her and her relationships.

What I like seeing in this question is that mom is doing the right thing but allowing her daughter to struggle with decision making.  It would be easier to avoid all this chaos but not allowing her to make decisions but that would result in dependence rather than independence.

What our kids need

Decision making is not an innate skill . . . that means none of us are born with it. We have to learn it.  Kids who never are thought to make decision tend to become easily overwhelmed, impulsive, selfish or turn to victim thinking.

I wrote a blog called, “Decisive without being impulsive” based on book by Chip and Dan Heath called Decisive.  They list four aspects that influence poor decisions making

I love my job. I get the chance to talk to people and hear their stories. Forest Benedict has a story. His includes many painful moments and some destructive detours.  Yet. . . what I love about his story is that he has broken free from a world of isolation, shame and brokenness. He is passionate about life outside of pornography and helping others discover the freedom, belonging and purpose he enjoys. 

You might be reluctant to listen to this podcast.  I don’t blame you, it’s not an easy topic and you may be used to hearing a bunch of preachy shaming and shouting.  You may be used to being scared and not helped. You may feel you don’t need to learn about this because you aren’t tempted by porn and/or your kids are too young.  Could you listen to the first 10 minutes a try?  My feelings won’t be hurt if you then stop. . . but I’d really like to help get the word out that there are resources for those struggling and there is a so much we can do as parents to help our kids.

About Forest Benedict:

Forest Benedict is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sexual Addiction Treatment Provider (SATP) who serves as the Clinical Director of LifeSTAR of the Central Valley, a sexual addiction treatment program. Forest is the Program Manager of the SATP program at Mid-America Nazarene University, where he trains therapists to do sexual addiction treatment. Forest blogs regularly and has written for XXXChurch and Protect Young Minds. Passionate about protecting children from pornography, Forest speaks publicly on this timely topic. Forest is a husband and father who lives in Fresno, CA.Here are some highlights from our conversation:

False Core Beliefs

* I am bad and unworthy

* I am unlovable

* I cannot depend on others to meet my needs

* My highest need is sex

Advice to parents:

During our interview Forest shares about the power of attachment and your kids seeking relational comfort in people and God rather than pornography or other addicting things.  The role for parents includes building strong bond and ability to talk about difficult things and also paying attention to their kids to discern whether they may be using pornography.  Forrest recommends the following four areas to watch specifically looking for moods, secretive behaviors, tiredness, hiding and lying.

* Pay attention to their access.

* Pay attention to their habits.

* Pay attention to their interests.

* Pay attention to their emotions.

Another highlight for me was the focus on being in recovery but having the overall perspective that it is possible to live with permanent sobriety.  Parents who have a history of struggling with pornography including those that are currently struggling can still help their kids.  The goal is to move forward and not wait to get needed help or to offer help.

During the interview, Forest mentioned a word recording that captures his feelings about porn from his perspective as a father.  I’ve embedded the video below or you can find it on Youtube by clicking here.

Resources:

You can purchase the book at Amazon by clicking here.  Project Patch receives a very small commission from Amazon if you purchase using the link below.

Here are some ways to connect further with Forest and some of the resources he mentioned during the interview.

* LifeAfterLust.com

*

As parents we ask some important question.  A good one is, “Where are my keys?”  We also ask obvious questions like, “Who drank all the milk and put the carton back in the fridge?”  One that I hear from parents is, “What’s going on with my kid?”  We worry because we see changes that we can’t figure out.  We want to know what’s going on inside but most of the time we get grunts and maybe an exaggerated sigh.  There are signs that things aren’t going well: falling grades, concerning smells, absence of friends, withdrawal, sarcasm, avoidant behaviors, dressing differently.

We swing between being worried they are going crazy and searching for a gang to join to the next minute thinking it’s just immaturity, a phase or normal behavior for “kids nowadays.”

The risk in not answering the question, “What’s going on?” is that we either overreact of under respond.  We miss times to teach and end up shaming and confusing our kids.

This episode of the podcast is all about tools and perspective for us as parents so we can understand what’s going on.

Listen Now

Typically, there isn’t just one thing going on. Our kids have complicated lives with multiple sources of challenge.  They can have trauma, immaturity, anger issues, entitlement, laziness and just plain bad days. It’s hard to find one source for their struggle and typically there isn’t one thing that will “cure” them.

A good place to start is by running through a basic evaluation called, H.A.L.T which asks four questions (read more).  These questions were developed for people that are struggling with addiction and in recovery but they are helpful questions for all types of struggles.

* Are they hungry?  Not just for food but also for attention, comfort, and stimulation.

* Are they angry? Anger isn’t bad, they have reasons to be angry.  Our goal is to help them understand their anger and find ways to productively process it.

* Are they lonely?  This is not just the hunger for companionship but is a belief that it would be difficult if not impossible to reach out or connect.

* Are the tired? Many of our kids are sleep deprived. Many also lack white space or buffer in their day and move from one activity to another resulting in being overwhelmed and overstimulated.

I’ve recently taught on helping “Capable” but unmotivated kids.  These are the students that can do the work and often are even doing some of the work and not turning it in.  It seems obvious that they lack motivation  but doing a bit of detective work may show that they have other needs.  Often kids don’t have time, skills, tools or a personal “why”.

Your teen may think they are spending hours writing the paper but the reality is that they are interrupted by their phone a dozen to a hundred times per hour.  They may not want to look at social media or have texts interrupt them but they also don’t want to miss out on anything.  Here are two good tools.

* An application I personally use to reduce my interruptions online is called Freedom.  It’s installed on my work computers, tablet and phone.  I can start a session which will cut out whatever distraction I determine for a certain amount of time.  I typically turn off all social media and Internet.  They are coming out with a new feature which will only allow certain websites during the session which will be very helpful.  I know I’m easily distracted and so this application helps me reduce distraction.

* Another paid service I use to increase my productivity is called “Focus at Will.