Today's Family Experience

Tina Griffin has a ton of energy and is passionate about helping teens.  I met her several years ago at a conference and we chatted long enough to know we needed to talk more.  The only problem was that she kept getting into deep conversations and as soon as she was done, I was involved in conversations.  We exchanged cards and she agreed to record a podcast.

Two years later, we finally had our schedules match and were able to record a podcast.  Months later, I’ve been able to edit and I think you’ll enjoy hearing her perspective on media.

Tina is a former actress.  She left the the midwest and went to Hollywood to make her mark.  Since being a young girl she wanted to build a platform that God could use to reach others.  Little did she know that her experience in Hollywood, while experiencing some success, was really an opportunity for her to discover the stories behind the celebrities and the anti-family and anti-God bias of the media industry.

Over 10 years of living in the midst of Hollywood has given Tina an appreciation for the life she has now with her husband and children as well as a platform to help kids and parents see the dangers in media and more importantly, the blessings God wants to give that media can’t give.

Tina now speaks to teens across the nation about and shares resources on her website.

Ideas that stand out in this interview:

* Many top celebrities are producing content which they do not allow their kids to watch.  They profit from your kids seeing something that they believe would harm their own kids.

* Our media choices affect us and our relationships.

* A key gift we can give our kids is the ability to talk about media choices and create discussion around values.

Resources:

* Website:  CounterCulterMom.org

* FaceBook:  Counter Culture Mom

 

My guest for this episode is Daniel Harkavy, founder, CEO and executive Coach at Building Champions.  Daniel has authored several books including his most recent, “Living Forward: A Proven Plan to Stop Drifting and Get the Life You Want” which he co-wrote with Michael Hyatt.

As you listen to this episode, it will become clear why I was so thrilled to have him as a guest.  He has a message that is especially relevant for parents that want to help our kids develop into purposeful, amazing adults.  Life planing is a very personal thing for Daniel. This is a personal practice that he now teaches through the team at Building Champions. You’ll hear him say loud and clear…

“Self leadership always proceeds team and family leadership.”

The process of living forward is to help us live our lives with intention while not neglecting the things that matter the most.

Daniel shares a concept of “drift” in which we are neglecting on things that matter most while we hyper focus on things that don’t matter as much. This doesn’t mean we are drifting toward negative or bad things.  Many times we react to all good activities rather than proactively and intentionally getting after the things that matter most.  We drift until something breaks, then stop but often too late and damage has already been done.

Michael shares that it isn’t just about avoiding drift, a key concept is . . . you have to have a target.  There are personal targets but he also believes we need to have a unique target for each of our kids based on 3-5 years out.

* What is your target for your kids?  Not focus on what they are doing but who they are.

* What intentional steps am I dong to take to help them reach the target.

Your kids are not your report card.  How they perform does not directly reflect back on you as a parent.

This intentional process is like creating a GPS for your life rather than drifting – living proactively and intentional.  Three coaching questions:

* Waking up – Where are you at?

* What would I like to see?  The best is yet to come.

* Gap – What change of behavior will help me bridge between what could be and what is?

Daniel helped me understand that life planning is for adults who know what they want rather than a tool to force on our kids.  He encouraged me to worry about how I’m living and leading and what my life is showing them through my actions, not my words.

A key for our kids is for them to know beyond a shadow of doubt, they know they are loved and safe.

A powerful parent trusts that kids will pick up our behavior from how we consistently act.

Resources mentioned in the interview:

Website for Living Forward Book: livingforwardbook.com

Assessment for Living Forward Book: livingforwardassesment.com

Building Champions, Daniels Coaching Company:  Buildingchampions.com

Furniture Company of Daniel’s boys: harkavyfurniture.com

Photography Company of Daniel’s Daughter: allieraephoto.com

Upcoming Speaking Engagements:

This is the second part of an interview of Matt Dobshuetz, coach and podcaster of the very popular and impactful podcast pornfreeradio.com

In the last episode Matt shared his story and what was really clear as he shared is that freedom is possible and worth it.  It’s clear that he knows what he’s talking about.  You can listen to that episode and read the show notes by going here.

If you missed that episode just follow this link and then come back.

The part of the interview begins to focus on tactical things that parents can do to help at both the heart level as well as ways to increase accountability and reduce access to pornography.

A key question is “why should parents be concerned about today’s pornography?”  He shares that because of low “friction” kids have access to more types of pornography.  A key for parents is to find out what exactly kids are looking at.  Find out what they actually are consuming.  Just assuming it is “Playboy” type content may leave a parent aware of the risk of what kids actually may be viewing.

*  Increasingly hardcore content

* Unrealistic images of sex

* Violence/Agression

* Fetishes

* Not regulated

Matt shares that a huge motivator for helping people come out of pornography is when they become too tired of living with addiction because:

* Lack of confidence

* Lack of focus, not being present to the family

* Hypocrisy

* Fear of what would happen if kids use their computer of phone and find something.

For parents that are also struggling with pornography, Matt has several resources availble:

* Porn Free Radio – Podcast – pornfreeradio.com

* Get it on iTunes (Get started with episode “Go Porn Free in 2016“)

* “Your Porn Free Playbook” – 5 day course – Available from recoveredman.com

* One-on-one coaching

Matt also suggests that parents focus on the following keys in helping their kids:

*  Talk about pornography

* Talking won’t introduce new ideas to them

* Awkward conversations are better than no conversations

* Age appropriate conversations starting young and keep expanding with time

* Boundaries

* With Devices (They don’t go everywhere)

* Time limits

* Controls on TV, Internet all devices

* Tracking

* Accountable2you.com (activity, not just websites)

* Filtering

* openDNS – Way to filter entire network (Doesn’t work with all cable providers)

* Circle Router with Disney – Tracking and filtered internet

Project Patch is a affiliate of Covenant Eyes which has some great filtering and tracking software.  Learn more at www.projectpatch.org/covenant

Resources:

* Christen Jensen

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There are few things more lonely than being stuck in a loveless marriage. I meet couples who probably wouldn’t be together if it wasn’t for the kids. Their relationships aren’t abusive and typically both are well meaning wonderful people. Yet, their marriage feels lonely and is a disapointment.

I met Dr. Barry Ham at the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) meetings.  His booth was next to ours on the exhibit floor.  He was also presenting a breakout that I wasn’t registered for but sounded really interesting. During our time together I discovered Barry to not only be a fun person to talk to but a person that could really help me and a lot of the parents I know.  His wife Andee was able to sneak me into their overbooked session in which he shared “Eight Strategies for Getting Unstuck”.

I was thrilled that Barry agreed to record an interview.  We couldn’t find anyplace quiet in our convention center and even the corners of the building had music playing.  Eventually we took some chairs outside and huddled around my digital recorder.

Please take a few minutes and listen to this very important interview and enjoy the sound of planes, people and birds.

Here are some of the key things that I took away during our conversation.

* We marry pursuing the dream.  We want to be fully known (mistakes, blemishes..) and inspire of our our faults to accept and love me.  But then we find there are conditions to that acceptance.  We tend to protect ourselves or present an ideal image of our selves and hide our true selves and eventually will find ourselves very lonely.

* Because we sweep things under the rug and don’t deal with the broken expectations we end up over time waking up to the realization that this isn’t what we signed up for or want.

* Parents hit the “parenting crisis” doing life with the kids as the focus of our attention and couples begin to drift apart.  Since couples may at this point feel let down from blown expectations from one another, they begin to transfer those expectations of being completely loved to their kids.  Kids become the center of the family life for 18-20 years and when kids leave the parents have nothing together.

* There are stages of marriage (newlywed, children, middle years, late legacy years).  People function fairly well during the stages but the transitions between the stages are often their undoing.

* When we get blindsided we typically think it is our spouse who dropped the ball.

* “I’m not good enough” is a great place to begin if we know that God’s power and resources allow me to be a great parent and spouse even when I’m not good enough.  We can do this though God’s strength which allows us to be much more connected spouse and kids.

*  Our assumptions cloud how we respond to things.  If we think our spouse is uncaring, we will interpret things to support that assumption.  It’s a self-fullilling prophecy.

* Couples need to know they have more choices than getting a divorce or being unhappy.  How do I engage and get unstuck and get the marriage to the place I originally dreamed it could be.

* Even if the couple isn’t both working on the marriage there are things that can be done.

*  I’m not going to stand in the corner and wait for the person to love me, I’m going to do what God says and love them.

Resources:

The Webpage :  Livingunstuck.org

Information about his two books:

* God Understand’s Divorce: a biblical message of grace

* Unstuck:Escaping a Lifeless Marriage

Weekly “Relationship Tip Tuesday” – Send an email HERE to and ask to get the tips.

 

This episode of Today’s Family Experience features Michelle Cushatt.  For those not familiar with Michele, I wrote about her in an earlier post in which I reviewed her book, Undone: Making Peace with an Unexpected Life.  I really respect and appreciate Michele and know you will benefit from hearing this episode, reading her book and connecting with her online resources.

Quick bit of context on Michele incase, she is a talented public speaker associated with Women of Faith, Focus on the Family, Provers 31 She Speaks, Companions International.  She is the co-host of This is Your Life with Michael Hyatt a very popular business, life and leadership podcast.

What struck me as I talked to Michele this time was that while her voice was much weaker than before and I know she is still physically weak, she brings a strength and energy to our conversation which really surprised me.  Since we had met last fall, she had undergone a significant surgery and multiple treatment which have affected her speech yet she is continuing to use her voice to help others.

First, you need to listen to the podcast.  I know some of you just aren’t into that “podcast” thing but this conversation is the perfect reason for you to dive into the podcast world.  It isn’t hard, you can listen directly from this post which is easy but not convenient.  You can also download it to your mobile device.  For Apple users, just follow the link to iTunes and it is easy to listen and hopefully subscribe.  It is slightly more complicated with Android devices but the attached link will get you set up.

Subscribe: iTunes/Android/RSS

No more excuses, listen now.

Here are some highlights that I took away from our conversation.  They aren’t exact quotes but are my attempt to capture themes in our conversation.

Michele really helped me uncover why so many of us feel a double hit when things don’t go according to our plan.  First, the negative event brings all sorts of pain on its own.  Second, she shared that as Christians, we assume that everything should go fine if we are faithful Christians.  So when things go bad we also feel pain and fear because it attacks our identity as Christians.

She shares courageously about the challenges associated with divorce, remarriage and raising a blended family.  This section was one of my favorites because it revealed to me the chaos and healing that occurred when rather than trying to fit back into “normal” they moved into a new normal that allowed for a family full of hurt people to live together.

I also thought her saying, “We are imperfect people that ro raise little imperfect people” was a great way to balance the pain we feel when our kids rebellious.  It’s easy to blame ourselves or blame them but this saying really helped me see that both can be true and we can grow as parents and cut ourselves some slack at the same time.

Actions Steps

* Win a copy of Michele’s book “Undone: A Story Of Making Peace With An Unexpected Life”  You just need to fill out a really qui...

Every family is dysfunctional, some families get away with it while others can’t because more is required of them.  Blended families, single parent homes, homes with illness, homes with any kind of job loss or a host of the challenges requires the family to have a higher level of “family skills” than a “normal” family.  It isn’t fair.

Actually, I don’t think there is such a thing as a “normal” family.  At some point every family will experience a season that requires more communication, problem solving and dealing with conflict.

Some families can’t predict when they will be called upon to be less dysfunctional.  However, for blended families, even before the “I do” is said, they know dysfunction is near and have to elevate their game.

This podcast interview is with Gil and Brenda Stuart who’s mission is “Encouragement for remarried couples in a stepfamily.”  They are all about helping step families discover God’s purpose for their newly formed family and the skills to live them out.

Subscribe: iTunes/Android/RSS

About our guests:

I met Gil and Brenda several years ago and my first impression was that I not only liked them, I also felt like I had known them a long time.  They are a couple with a lot going on.  They have seven children between them and now have two daughters-in-law and three grandchildren.  Gil is an insurance broker and Brenda leads a team building organization.  They are popular speakers and lead seminars to help other couples like them who are remained.  They also have developed a seminar called “Rearview Mirror” which helps all couples focus on what matters.

Key Points from Interview:

* Foundation of honesty

* Necessity of forgiveness – especially for yourself

* How your marriage is strengthened through community and information.

* Importance of parents taking time to trust and rely on each other, especially for discipline of kids

* How it is a long term focus rather than need for immediate results

Resources:

Their website:  www.restoredandremaried.com

Their books/materials:  Visit their store

Top 10 Blended Family Points

* There are 67 types of stepfamilies

* 72 differences between first marriages and remarriage

* 40% of all marriages today are creating stepfamilies

* New Stat (6/2014: from The Good News About Marriage by Shaunti Feldhahn)  Remarriage divorce rate is 34% not the 60% previously thought. Some stats state 40-50% of remarriages end in divorce. 80% of those marriages that failed could have been saved with information/education and support small group/fellowship with other stepfamilies.)

* Churches are reluctant to engage in a Stepfamily ministry for fear of condoning divorce

* Many remarried couples do not ask for the help/encouragement they need because of the “shame factor”

* Kid issues: grieving, schedules, POW swap, holidays, jealousy, parenting styles

* The step parent/step child relationship creates more threat to the remarriage than money, sex, work stress or in laws than in first time marriages

* Co-parenting: child support, schedules, two different life styles/values

* Modeling a healthy remarriage can reduce the divorce rate for kids in a stepfamily; which can chang...

Arleen Spencely is an author, speaker and blogger that focuses on encouraging people to practice the virtue of chastity. She rose to national recognition when she wrote an essay six years ago about her decision to remain a virgin until she married.  This first essay began a process that deepened her understanding of what God wanted for her life and sexuality. It also also launched her into creating community, training and support for others around the virtue of chastity.

This Podcast episode of Today’s Family Experience shares her story as well as why she came to the conclusion that chastity is for everyone.

Subscribe:  iTunes/Android/RSS

Here are some things that stood out during our conversation:

* There is community when we transcend our fear

* Living a life of chastity requires community to encourage us

* Practicing chastity in this world is possible

*  A virtue is a decision we make every day to do the right thing.  It isn’t avoiding something bad.

*  Chastity is for everyone

* Whatever you have done, it doesn’t mean that you can’t decide today to do the right thing, that is what chastity is about

* Quote John Paul II “Love is the authentic commitment of the free will of one person as a result of the truth of another person”

* Great dating question – “Do I like this person, actually like this person… and do I care if I have a kid that turns into this person”

* The conversation about chastity must continue beyond the youth room.

* Open parent child discussion are vital.

Resources

* arleenspenceley.com – Website with access to her blog, speaking schedule, and social media links.

* Her book – Chastity Is For Lovers: Single, Happy, and (Still) a Virgin

 

Other Stuff:

Please help get the word out about this podcast.

* Share on Facebook

* Attend a seminar (learn more)

* Leave a review on iTunes

* Email me if you have ideas, questions, suggestions, or want to be on the podcast.  [email protected]

Just as a side note, I ended up creating two featured images for this podcast.  The one I chose is at the top of the page.  The one I originally made is below.  What do you think?  Did I make the right choice for the featured immage?

 

What makes the difference between those that live as victims and those that live powerful lives?  At the end of the day there are a lot of factors and they all are fueled by a deep realization that I am are responsible, not someone or something else.

Few people have worked as hard or as long to share the message of personal accountability and responsibility than John G. Miller.  He fully committed to spreading the message over 20 years ago and hasn’t let up.  His first book was “QBQ! The Question Behind The Question” and since then he’s written, “Outstanding“, “Flipping the Switch” and “Parenting the QBQ Way“.

I asked John to be on this podcast for two reasons.  First, I knew I would personally benefit.  I did.  Second, as I work with teens and parents I meet so many that are overwhelmed by all the things that are out of their control.  They end up giving up or wasting a bunch of energy looking for someone to rescue them.  I knew John could help fuel change and action.

Listen now!

There is so much in the podcast that helped me:

* Idea that parenting never ends, it just changes.  I liked how he helped us move from a building phase to relating phase which requires us to change.  We teach a very similar concept at The Family Experience and it is critical to reaching our goals as parents.

* The power of modeling.

* We have confused firmness with harshness.  As parents we know not to be harsh but we do need to be firm.  Our kids need us to be firm.

* As a parent there is power once we realize our children are a product of our parenting and we ask, “What can I do to learn new skills?“

Resources:

* John’s website:  qbq.com

* All of John’s books as well as a bunch of other great resources

* If you only have time for one book?  Start with “Parenting the QBQ Way”

Could you do us a favor?

* Share on Facebook and other social media (look down a few lines)

* Rate/Review us on iTunes HERE

* Subscribe and share our blog. (Look on the right side of this page)

 

I recently heard an interview on The Dave Ramsey show (March 18 Episode ) of Michel Jr. A comedian who is performs for corporations, comedy clubs and churches.

A couple things surprised me.

First, he has a test for his comedy called “comedy accountability.” Jokes have to be clean enough to for churches and funny enough to get laughs in a comedy club. He tells the same jokes both places and he wants his kids to be able to repeat anything he says.

Second, he shared how easy it is to get a laugh by being vulgar or profane. When the routine isn’t going well, a comedian can say something absurd or vulgar for nearly guaranteed laughs. Instead Michael Jr. has focused not on getting a laugh but to “give them an opportunity to laugh.” This focus has led him to do some amazing work for prisoners and the homeless.

I share this as an intro to this podcast episode because in the same way a comedian can get easy laughs, I can get a lot of “amens”, head nods and attaboys when I rail against Hollywood. Whether I’m giving a sermon, seminar or talk to a service club, I’ve found bashing Hollywood, technology and video games gets good ratings. I’ve also noticed that most people like to hear that this generation is the worst ever but that’s a topic for another podcast.

I share in this episode of the podcast why I work really hard not to spend my time attacking Hollywood and all the other media giants and instead focus on shooting at targets that not only I can reach but will make a great impact on the war over my kids hearts.

It would be easier and I’d be more popular if I took the easy route but I’d rather kids be safe than us adults feel good about ourselves.

Here are two options for listening.

iTunes – This is the easiest place to subscribe and automatically get the next podcast. Click HERE

Android Users – You will need a app like Podcasts Adict (HERE) and then subscribe to our RSS Feed: http://blog.projectpatch.org/feed/podcast

Listen on the blog…

In this episode I mention the following resources:

QBQ! The Question Behind the Question – by John Miller – You can learn more at his website qbq.com.

The three factors required for a QBQ are. Check out the basic overview here.

* Start with “What” or “How”

* Include the personal pronoun “I”

* Focus on action

Contest!

I’d love for you to have a copy of Michele Cushatt’s book Undone: A Story of Making Peace With an Unexpected Life. The publisher sent me two copies to give away. I gave the first to someone who I met after preaching last weekend. Her husband has just been diagnosed with untreatable pancreatic cancer and her life was definitely coming undone.

I know whoever reads this book will benefit and am excited to send a copy. To enter the drawing you simply have to do one (or both) of the following:

Facebook, “Thanks to @projectpatch I’m hitting my target with my kids”

Tweet: Thanks to @projectpatch I’m hitting my target with my kids #parenting

 Seminars:

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