We continue our series of podcasts exploring vulnerabilities.  Our vulnerabilities are being exploited by technology, marketing and people who don’t have our best interest in mind. As parents, we want to protect our kids from being exploited which is a good thing.  However, what if we helped them reduce their vulnerability?  Wouldn’t that be a better help?

Last episode (Read/Listen) was all about Loneliness and how that is exploited.

This episode we are going to focus on people pleasing.  One of the difficulties with people pleasing is that it is very socially acceptable to be a people pleaser.  It also isn’t always a problem with the behavior but has much more to do with what is fueling the behavior.  For example, it’s good to do the dishes, volunteer at church, let someone go first.  All of these are great if you are doing them for healthy motivation.  These same things can also be done just to please other people, avoid conflict, or try to prove we are valuable.

My Story

I should make you listen () but I admit in this episode that I struggle with people pleasing.  I justify my people pleasing saying:

* I’m just being kind

* I’m being politically wise

* I’m being spiritually mature

* I’m being a good son

* I’m being a good friend

* I’m being a good employee (in my case boss)

All these things are “good” but what taints them is that I’m doing them for the wrong reasons for wanting to be accepted or feeling a lack of confidence.

It also is important to note that while the behavior of people pleasing can look very similar, the underlying reasons for being a people pleaser can vary.

For some, it’s looking for acceptance or desperately wanting to fit in.  For others, it’s because of mistreatment.  A child that has had an abusive or erratic parent can struggle with assuming responsibility for the mistreatment or abuse. These kids often think they could prevent drinking or abuse by saying the right thing or just keeping things calm. A child from a home with a parent who rages works hard to eliminate anything that would enrage the parent.  While people pleasing may work in the short term to lessen some mistreatment, it doesn’t last and ends up becoming a problem in other settings.

Finally, people pleasing really is nice for us as parents because those kids tend to be easier to raise (in the short term).  People pleasing kids mostly do what they are told and often can be corrected with just a “look.”  Dr. Meg Meeker in her book, “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” tells the story about a dad that came to see her because his daughter had become very rebellious, her grades were plummeting and she only wanted to be with her boyfriend who wasn’t treating her well.  He couldn’t understand how his daughter changed from a good girl, getting good grades, compliant at home and attending church to this new girl.  Dr. Meeker shared with him that nothing had changed in the girl except her authority.  Dad no longer held that position, the new boyfriend did.  His daughter was a people pleaser which had worked out fine until she was no longer interested in pleasing dad and was more interested in pleasing someone else who didn’t have her best interest in mind.

How do you know if you or your child is a people pleaser?

There are several online “tests” which can help.  Most are a list of questions and if you answer yes to most of them, you probably need to explore more about people pleasing.

Listen to this section: 

Psychology Today – 10 Signs You’re a P...