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Her lies hurt her friendships (Sofia, Age 8)
Hi,
Today’s question is from a brave girl, Sofia, who recognizes that some lies she’s told have hurt her friendships, and wants to know how to repair people’s trust in her. That kind of self-awareness and determination to change is impressive, even in an adult, and she’s only eight!
Parents often feel furious when their kids lie, but it’s actually a sign of cognitive development. In order to lie well, kids have to be able to imagine someone else’s perspective and understand what they do or don’t know. I’ll post an article for parents soon about ways to promote kids’ honesty, but today’s podcast episode focuses on what kids can do to avoid lying.
There’s still time to do the Dr. Friendtastic Back-to-School listening challenge – until Sept. 15. Check it out to help your child start the school year feeling more prepared for the social side of school, in less than half an hour! At zero cost!
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:Ep. 20 Lying friend (Anna, Age 9)
Ep. 70 - Knowing when and how to stop (Owen, Age 8)
Ep. 107 Secrets to self-control in friendship and life (Alex, Age 10)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Send in YOUR kid's question
Think About It Questions to discuss with your childFor a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Why do you think it’s sometimes hard for kids to tell the truth?
How can lying hurt your relationships?
What are some reasons for telling the truth even when it’s hard?
What is the difference between white lies and other lies? Do you think white lies are okay? Why or why not?
Have you ever built a house of cards? To do that, you take two playing cards and prop them together in a T shape or a triangle shape, so they both stand up. Then you add more cards to make the house bigger. You can even put flat cards on top to add a second or third story. But at some point, the cards all fall down.
There’s a saying that goes: To hide one lie, a thousand lies are needed.
In other words, once you’ve told a lie, you often have to tell more and more lies to keep people from uncovering that first lie, and then you have to remember the first lie and all those extra lies… And, like a house of cards, at some point it’s likely to all come falling down. All your lies get exposed, and everyone gets mad at you for trying to trick them. Ugh.
So, telling the truth might be hard in the moment, but it’s much easier in the long run.
But what if you accidentally told a lie? How do you prevent that house of cards from building up and get back to being truthful?
Listen to learn more!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
My name is Sofia. I'm 8 years old. My question is, how do I rebuild trust with a friend or sibling after I lied before to get my way?
Hi, Sofia! Thanks for sending in your question! You’ve already taken a very important step in becoming more truthful: you recognize that lying hurts your relationships because it makes it hard for others to trust you.
Kids lie for a lot of reasons: Usually, it’s because they want to avoid getting in trouble. Sometimes, like in your case, it’s because they want something or want to get their way. Sometimes kids lie to make themselves seem better than they are to impress other kids, and sometimes it’s because they’re embarrassed about something and don’t want others to know.
It’s easy to imagine how all of these might work in the short-term but cause bigger problems later. If you lie to your parents about doing something wrong, you’re going to get in bigger trouble when they find out you lied! If you trick a friend with a lie, they’re going to have a hard time believing you when you tell the truth.
So, what can you do if you make a mistake and tell a lie?
The first thing to do is to tell the truth as quickly as you can! As soon as the lie leaves your lips, you can back up and say, “Actually, that’s not true. What I meant to say is…” Then say whatever is true.
What if it’s been a while since you told the lie? You can still choose to be honest, to get your relationship back on track. You could say, “I need to tell you something: I wasn’t completely honest when I told you [whatever it was]. The truth is…” Then tell them the truth.
If they ask why you lied, just say, “No excuses. I should have been honest right away.” Tell your friend that you know lying was a mistake, that you’re sorry for lying, and that you’re going to try to be honest from now on.
So, that’s the second thing to do: You have to make sure you don’t lie again. At some neutral time, you could write a list for yourself of all the reasons you want to tell the truth. When you’re tempted to lie, try to slow down and think of those reasons. You could even say, “Hmmm… let me think,” to give yourself a couple of seconds to remember why you want to be truthful.
Now, you may be wondering, what about white lies? White lies are untrue statements that people make to try to protect other people’s feelings. For instance, if your aunt gives you an ugly sweater for your birthday, a white lie would be to say, “I love it!” when you don’t. Or if a friend asks if you like her haircut, a white lie would be to say, “It looks great!” when it doesn’t.
Some people think white lies are okay, but I recommend avoiding even white lies, so that telling the truth becomes your habit. That doesn’t mean you should blurt out to your aunt, “This is the ugliest sweater I’ve ever seen!” or tell your friend, “That haircut makes your head look pointed!” That’s not being honest; it’s being hurtful.
Instead, you can say something that’s both true and kind. You could tell your aunt, “This sweater looks very warm. It was kind of you to think of me!” You could tell your friend, “I think I like your old haircut better, but it’s fun to try different styles.”
If you’ve lied in the past, it may take a while for others to learn that they can trust you now. But you can start that journey today by choosing to tell the truth, even when it’s hard.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.
Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
View all episodes
By Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhDHi,
Today’s question is from a brave girl, Sofia, who recognizes that some lies she’s told have hurt her friendships, and wants to know how to repair people’s trust in her. That kind of self-awareness and determination to change is impressive, even in an adult, and she’s only eight!
Parents often feel furious when their kids lie, but it’s actually a sign of cognitive development. In order to lie well, kids have to be able to imagine someone else’s perspective and understand what they do or don’t know. I’ll post an article for parents soon about ways to promote kids’ honesty, but today’s podcast episode focuses on what kids can do to avoid lying.
There’s still time to do the Dr. Friendtastic Back-to-School listening challenge – until Sept. 15. Check it out to help your child start the school year feeling more prepared for the social side of school, in less than half an hour! At zero cost!
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:Ep. 20 Lying friend (Anna, Age 9)
Ep. 70 - Knowing when and how to stop (Owen, Age 8)
Ep. 107 Secrets to self-control in friendship and life (Alex, Age 10)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Send in YOUR kid's question
Think About It Questions to discuss with your childFor a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Why do you think it’s sometimes hard for kids to tell the truth?
How can lying hurt your relationships?
What are some reasons for telling the truth even when it’s hard?
What is the difference between white lies and other lies? Do you think white lies are okay? Why or why not?
Have you ever built a house of cards? To do that, you take two playing cards and prop them together in a T shape or a triangle shape, so they both stand up. Then you add more cards to make the house bigger. You can even put flat cards on top to add a second or third story. But at some point, the cards all fall down.
There’s a saying that goes: To hide one lie, a thousand lies are needed.
In other words, once you’ve told a lie, you often have to tell more and more lies to keep people from uncovering that first lie, and then you have to remember the first lie and all those extra lies… And, like a house of cards, at some point it’s likely to all come falling down. All your lies get exposed, and everyone gets mad at you for trying to trick them. Ugh.
So, telling the truth might be hard in the moment, but it’s much easier in the long run.
But what if you accidentally told a lie? How do you prevent that house of cards from building up and get back to being truthful?
Listen to learn more!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
My name is Sofia. I'm 8 years old. My question is, how do I rebuild trust with a friend or sibling after I lied before to get my way?
Hi, Sofia! Thanks for sending in your question! You’ve already taken a very important step in becoming more truthful: you recognize that lying hurts your relationships because it makes it hard for others to trust you.
Kids lie for a lot of reasons: Usually, it’s because they want to avoid getting in trouble. Sometimes, like in your case, it’s because they want something or want to get their way. Sometimes kids lie to make themselves seem better than they are to impress other kids, and sometimes it’s because they’re embarrassed about something and don’t want others to know.
It’s easy to imagine how all of these might work in the short-term but cause bigger problems later. If you lie to your parents about doing something wrong, you’re going to get in bigger trouble when they find out you lied! If you trick a friend with a lie, they’re going to have a hard time believing you when you tell the truth.
So, what can you do if you make a mistake and tell a lie?
The first thing to do is to tell the truth as quickly as you can! As soon as the lie leaves your lips, you can back up and say, “Actually, that’s not true. What I meant to say is…” Then say whatever is true.
What if it’s been a while since you told the lie? You can still choose to be honest, to get your relationship back on track. You could say, “I need to tell you something: I wasn’t completely honest when I told you [whatever it was]. The truth is…” Then tell them the truth.
If they ask why you lied, just say, “No excuses. I should have been honest right away.” Tell your friend that you know lying was a mistake, that you’re sorry for lying, and that you’re going to try to be honest from now on.
So, that’s the second thing to do: You have to make sure you don’t lie again. At some neutral time, you could write a list for yourself of all the reasons you want to tell the truth. When you’re tempted to lie, try to slow down and think of those reasons. You could even say, “Hmmm… let me think,” to give yourself a couple of seconds to remember why you want to be truthful.
Now, you may be wondering, what about white lies? White lies are untrue statements that people make to try to protect other people’s feelings. For instance, if your aunt gives you an ugly sweater for your birthday, a white lie would be to say, “I love it!” when you don’t. Or if a friend asks if you like her haircut, a white lie would be to say, “It looks great!” when it doesn’t.
Some people think white lies are okay, but I recommend avoiding even white lies, so that telling the truth becomes your habit. That doesn’t mean you should blurt out to your aunt, “This is the ugliest sweater I’ve ever seen!” or tell your friend, “That haircut makes your head look pointed!” That’s not being honest; it’s being hurtful.
Instead, you can say something that’s both true and kind. You could tell your aunt, “This sweater looks very warm. It was kind of you to think of me!” You could tell your friend, “I think I like your old haircut better, but it’s fun to try different styles.”
If you’ve lied in the past, it may take a while for others to learn that they can trust you now. But you can start that journey today by choosing to tell the truth, even when it’s hard.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.
Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.