Hallo sigarets, it's your Dutch sluts. Zayn pushed us into a dresser real good and now we must be in Hell because Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian held hands and are probably doing performative Stanton Island sex RIGHT NOW. Anyway - while we're here roasting in eternal damnation: we provide an update on the Baldwins from a very private location in Vermont, shrug off the Hadids, and do a close reading of Britney's stream-of-consciousness instagram prose. Late stage humanity is a blast. xoxo kusjes!