Hey. We're coming at you this week from way atop our high horse. We may or may not have predicted/manifested some stories in the news lately. Ezra is escalating. Elon continues to spawn and Nick Cannon noticed. Megan Fox is glamorizing the infantilization of men and must be stopped. (april's okay with woody allen if it's just soon-yi) Machine Gun Kelly is a part of this whole thing somewhere and WE HAVE GOOD THINGS TO SAY OKAY?? PUT THE GUN DOWN COLSON WE LIKE THE MOVIE

Greetings, enemies. We've been busy fighting dark NRG, tf you up to? There will come a time when you realize you no longer have power over us - a time when you will know us only by the trail of chaos in our wake. Endowed with the energy of The Flash (the ring is very important), we dart from topic to topic: Elon Musk keeps making children because his old ones hate him; Lizzo invented a new slur; Ezra Miller is giving #cultleader and if someone dies - we called it. Remember Rob Schneider?

yeah okay we talk about the fucking interview IM SORRY its audacious what are we supposed to do

xx

Well Cigs, the Hearpp trial is over. Non-horny ladies around the globe are grieving the end of women's rights (to defame). After an immersive two months, we're just grateful to change our shit-stained sheets and imbibe some lighter fare. Per usual, we need to talk about Kevin and his alleged LSD/non-binary grooming of Standing Rock Reservation child activist, Tokata Iron Eyes. Then we need to talk about Nick Cannon and his godly poly journey to populate the Earth with Z-named children. Why does he wear a turban? Great question. We round out the episode with a celebration of Bertney's nuptials and First Husband™ Jason Alexander's attempt to crash the wedding 6 hours before it actually started. Peace, Love, and Light to Elaine Bredehoft.

Greetings to all our right wing extremists, "Men's Rights Activists", and ladies that discovered clit to Edward Scissorhands. Unfortunately for everyone, here's another bloated episode dedicated to AH's performance of a lifetime. Keen eyes saw no tears, officers saw no injuries, and Elaine can't see her mic. Now listen, I know it seems like we have some sort of implicit bias against Ms. Heard, but we implore you - ignore everything you've heard over the course of six weeks because we have literally no incentive to lie and we humbly ask you give us just $350,000 in punitive damages so we can retire after this nightmare.

Hello #truthers, VapeGods™, and dookie detectives - Welcome to Part 2 of our series detailing the Hearpp pandemic. In this episode, we're covering highlights from the first half of the trial. We're talking Milani, Starbucks, the lazy LAPD, metadata - and that's just the opening statements. We'll be reviewing key witness testimony, the court of law vs the court of public opinion, and the media's disparate analysis of the viral #teamJohnny "movement" online. Who saw Johnny's penis? Who bought the muffins? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FINGIE? **pulls up in a Mustang convertible** "Get in loser, we're going to Coachella." xx

Hellllllooo poppet. Could you be a doll and pass the Adderall? We're gonna need it to get through this *literal* shit show. Man, we were really overdue for another lawsuit between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, and Johnny - the Southern gentleman, he is - much obliged. In preparation for the next few weeks of Defamation 2: Virginia Edition, allow us to present a thoroughly researched, feverishly assembled, YouTube-radicalized examination of how often that BITCH BE LYYYYYYING DUDE. Find out what Vanity Fair DOESN'T want you to know (flouride). toodoloo luv

Ladies, Gentlemen, Ukrainian Refugees™ - Welcome to Big Cigarette. We will be your vessels of love this evening. Leah has returned from Australia and literally didn't see a single fucking continental creature besides something called a "bin chicken." In her absence, our tarot reading unleashed a series of chaotic events - Hilaria convinced Alec to deposit more cash into her vending machine of joy. Ezra Miller disrespected Lady Gaga and the couple he was unicorning in Hawaii. The slaaaaap. We missed you so much. xoxo kings

Hey. Leah abandoned us to go get an eyebrow piercing in Australia so I've been softly weeping and hiding behind a shower curtain and spending hours a day doing Gua Sha and YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ITS LIKE AND I KNOW YOU'RE JUDGING ME WHEN I DID NOTHING WRONG AND IM THE HAPPIEST AND MOST LYMPHATICALLY DRAINED THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE. Anywaaaay..... since Leah's gonna be Down Under (ew) for however long it takes an eyebrow piercing to heal, what do you say we have an extra-long (ew!) episode to keep us company until Mommy gets home (i'm the villian). If you came to the episode summary looking for clarity about what we're talking about this week then I regret to inform you that's not what we do here. xoxo with love and light *April* <3

Well cigs, we're grieving. Art is dead. Love is dead. But our vision is Krystal Klear. We bid farewell to some of our favorite couples this week so please be compassionate while we heal. As the Lord shuts the door on Ye-lia, he opens a window... it's a conference room... a group of marketing executives are huddled *silently* at the head of a white lucite table. Their faces bear varying degrees of desperation and concern, discomfort and wild-eyed resolve, as they regard a neat selection of photographs on the table. The karmic force of L Brands still lingers in the air, invulnerable to the rebranding, restaffing, refurnishing, realignment, Reiki, Rapinoe, REBIRTH of Victoria's Secret, Inc.... at last, one of them is compelled to break reticence:

"Look, I understand this is a sensitive decision. There's a lot of complicated feelings, it's a minefield out there! So I understand the desire to just play it safe, I really do. But I want you folks to take yourselves out of the equation for a moment and I want you to think about the promise we made when we freed ourselves from corporate toxicity, reconnected with our core mission, and became an empowered independent company again. Victoria's Secret is about making women, and erm, female presenting persons feel beautiful! I don't know about you, but I see a beautiful woman in those pictures. I see a woman that deserves to have her dream come true. I don't want to play it safe! Where's the heart? Where's the commitment to What Women Want™? We can't let our own fears get in the way of making that girl's dream come true. What do you say, team?

Let's fucking make history."

Also we talk about Botox and TV and hype India. xoxo

What's up freak bitches, welcome to The Big Cigarette Experience. We took a shit ton of testosterone replacement hormones and high potency edibles and we're ready to spit some hot takes. We start the ep with some fun stuff - Ye told everyone in New York that Pete has AIDS, Pim Kardavidson went on a date with Bezos, RiRi made a bb and we already love it, and, obviously, Nick Cannon. Then we obey God's will and step into the spin zone to discuss Whoopi's "dangerous" rhetoric on The View, and the lamestream's latest attempt to K.O. Joe Ro. *DISCLAIMER - WE ARE NOT JOURNALISTS/DOCTORS/PARENTS PLZ VISIT THE LINK BELOW FOR COVID-19 RESOURCES* xxxooo

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