Big Cigarette

Hi, it's ciggy. You've probably seen the news, and yes! It's true, we're still high on the, like, pheromone oils exchanged while like literally forming the most organic relationship of our lives. We're totally just getting to know each otherrr and like talking so fast and nooo we're not putting any labels on it except like the truly essential ones like artist, muse, creative collaborator...anyway if you're so interested in us, maybe you should like listen to our podcast, like come to our art show, i dont know like, buy our self-published book of poetry (titled Ruminations Had Smoking Big Cig: i'm a bad girl/that's good 4 u) that reflects on our experience growing up a horny child pick pocket in new york. we're gonna keep doing us either way bitch like we can't help that we're honest. WE'RE DATING JULIYE. WE DID FUCK THE WEEKND. *mwuah mwuah* ciao

Well, hi. We were busy attending the Omarion Variant Tour and lost all sense of time, space, smell, taste, etc. Fortunately, our sense of duty prevailed, our intensive holistic immunization procedures concluded, and our paternity tests have determined ... YOU ARE THE FATHER. Khloé has egg on her face again since news broke that Tristan Thompson preferred the eggs of some other slim/thick/insta/heaux. How many NBA players does it take to fix a Kardashian? In other #girlboss news, we discuss the prison potential for our guilty gals, Ghislane and Liz. missed u <3

ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE JUDGE CIGARETTE. *gavel gavel* Court is now in session. There's a lot of celebs on the naughty list this year: Jussie, TSwift, Holmes, Duggar, Baldwin, and MORE. But we're two very good girls with incredible judgement. We've been chain smoking cigarettes in a tiny office with a dim lamp, we've considered all the mens rea, and we've been found in contempt of court; so allow us to present an extrajudicial Christmas treat - 12 Angry Cigs: The Justice Episode. Cozy up to your Netflix hearth and prepare to be outraged. xoxo court is ADJOURNED.

Ciao ciggies, benvenuti. We've been preparing for months to enjoy House of Gucci and yet... the only thing worth remark was the value of Jared Leto's method acting. After a tepid review, we decided to show Ridley Scott a thing or two about *character development* and tackled a house even greater than Gucci - The House of Carters. Light a cig, huff something potent, and go live on Instagram because that's the only way you guys are gonna understand this. with love & light, BC <3

Hey, Cigs. We took a little holiday break for some uninterrupted gratitude. Now we're back, and feeling *sexually well* -- so well, in fact, we're excited to announce we've teamed up with @bellesaboutique to create a revolutionary pleasure device: The InCIGerator™. Crafted with gender neutral silicone, this non-toxic vibe is perfect for literally anyone. I mean, we're retarded and this is our vibrator. Invigorate yourself with a true-to-scale replica of a Gauloises cigarette that we can legally sell as a sex toy because it vibrates. In other news, Kardavidsian is still happening, Flava Flav was there, and we were all subjected to "Taylor's Version" of last week. yaaaa boiiii kissesesses

Hi Cigs, thanks for having us. We need to set the record straight about a few blatant LIES being spread before the woke mob puts the final nail in our cancel culture casket (cute). First of all, Aaron Rodgers does NOT want to talk about the 500 pages of research he compiled on homeopathic immunization processes. Second of all, Shailene Woodley doesn't know much, but she does know her fiancé when she sees him. And lastly, we think its cute that you guys keep listening to this podcast when you could be using that time to like read or make your own medicine or gather your water from a mountain spring or bare your pussy to the sun or... idk we've literally never listened to a podcast. xo

Hallo sigarets, it's your Dutch sluts. Zayn pushed us into a dresser real good and now we must be in Hell because Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian held hands and are probably doing performative Stanton Island sex RIGHT NOW. Anyway - while we're here roasting in eternal damnation: we provide an update on the Baldwins from a very private location in Vermont, shrug off the Hadids, and do a close reading of Britney's stream-of-consciousness instagram prose. Late stage humanity is a blast. xoxo kusjes!

¡Hola cigarillos! We've been ~ muy mal ~ and took a week off to attend a yoga retreat in our native España. However, when news broke that our dear friend Alec Baldwin was involved in a tragic on-set shooting, we stopped shavasana and jetted straight to Vermont to get the scoop. And Dios mío, scoop we did! In this episode, we allow special investigator Leah to present evidence against the true villain of the story - Hilary Hayward Thomas aka HILARIA BALDWIN. The lies, the tan, the... how do you say in English? Grift. Besos!

We're back, but this time our skin is like silk and our bodies have curves in all the right places and we own the largest collection of Vermeer paintings and we STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BRITTANY MURPHY? However, we did get several answers to questions we did not ask, thanks to this week's expertly coordinated mega dump of Kourtney/Travis/Megan/COLSON(?) emo love foursome content. Travis asked Kourtney to prom. Machine Gun and Megan got a spread in the yearbook. Senior year rocks. Then, love takes a *literally* toxic turn when we review the new documentary "series" about Brittany Murphy's mysterious death at the hands of her porcine Svengali, Simon Monjack (ewww). xoxo

Big Ciggie missed you. Your beloved terrible-looking white bitches have finally been released from the trunk of Dave Chappelle's car...and we have some thoughts. But first, we review a lil investigative journalism we conducted last week in our quest to expose all liars. Then, we share confusion over the Facebook "whistleblower," and thoroughly review Kim Kardashian's SNL appearance. In closing, The Closer. Who let Dave get on the forums? He googled! He said he was "Team TERF." Dad, please come down. You're making a scene.